Quests and Quandries...

Priorities

2007-06-07T06:46:00.000-05:00

I have problems with a society where such large numbers of our minority teenagers struggle to graduate from high school, and then get denied their diploma ceremony because people in the audience cheer at the students' success.

As a former high school teacher, I know the value of supportive families - that principal should seriously think twice about his/her stand on this issue.

* * *

My husband and I are getting involved in the SCA again, as you may have noticed, and I find that I am spending a lot of time working on projects around it. We have a disaster of a house and a serious need to either move or renovate (pop up our second floor into a full second storey). I would also like to actually contribute to society in some meaningful way.

We ARE working on the mess, and we ARE packing up, throwing out or recylcing miscellaneous stuff that we won't be needing again for a while. I AM teaching folks to understand where the products they use came from, and hopefully that is making them have a greater appreciation of how folks in less materialistic cultures live and get by. And, if culture really goes to heck, maybe I'm giving folks some skills and understanding that will tide them over; my own little contribution to making the new Dark Ages a little shorter (or at least brighter) for some.

Which is all nice and all, but people are still starving, being bombed, raped, burned out, and generally suffering. It makes me feel pretty silly to be getting all dressed up in garb based on archaeological finds and going off (guzzling gas along the way - carseats do a number on one's ability to carpool) to play at a santized version of the life so many still lead every day.

I know there are numerous ways artists raise money and awareness about these issues, but how do others, well, *justify* - to themselves - making art when others are making war? I know that my way of psychologically dealing with 9/11 was to go out the next day and buy a guitar; I needed joy and self-expression in so much sadness and insanity.

Is it ok to create/play to get by and stay healthy enough to THEN go do something important? I ask this rhetorically, since I know that we each need our own ways to recharge, express ourselves (and our frustration) and generally stay mentally healthy enough for the other parts of our lives.

I guess I am missing my teaching high school, and not being in a place yet where I can get started on my MSW. Raising my girls is obviously worthwhile, and very rewarding. Giving them the best life, and clearest understanding possible, is a responsibility I take on gladly.

I still feel funny caring about the varied reconstructions of Viking Age apron-dresses...

Busy, busy, busy

2007-06-01T07:51:00.000-05:00

We took the girls camping for the first time this last weekend, and they loved it! We were all at an SCA event, and I spent the whole weekend before making them baby-size medieval garb and reworking my handout for my tapestry class.

This week, I've been flat out preparing the handout for new class I'm teaching this weekend (but I'm leaving Kevin and the girls home for this one) on pre-1300 weave structures. Oi. Author permissions, weaving drafts galore, and many structures worked up on cheapo looms to show folks.

I can't wait for Sunday, and the chance to VEG!

BTW - my bathroom got spotless on my quest to get out of CHAOS, but my current sewing/teaching/camping frenzy has everything pulled out of everywhere. Maybe not so much vegging next week after all...

C.H.A.O.S.

2007-05-11T09:17:00.000-05:00

That is FlyLady's acronym for "can't have anyone over syndrome," and BOY-O do I have it. I'm having sort of a psychological kafluey right now (did YOU know that Seasonal Affective Disorder does wacky stuff to you in the summer too? Crazy, racing thoughts, energy to burn, but somehow never productively, and irritability/weepiness like crazy, in my case. Fun, eh?), and the house is just making me INSANE.

I have SO fallen off the Partners in Clean wagon that it just ain't funny. I actually just sat here and read all of FlyLady's wisdom, and, while I really like some of her ideas, others just won't stick to me (her FLY paper ain't that good), so I'm not going to set myself up for failure by trying to fit myself and mylife into her mold (moisturizer every day? Polishing? Great if that is your life, but it is NOT mine.)

I AM taking her up on somethings though, and crafting them to fit my own style, so I am more likely to work them out. I don't do my surface a day/15 minutes a day because I haven't set myself any systems or routines for actually doing them. Heck, I often don't even manage to pump breast milk until lunchtime, and my little kaflooeys don't help any.

Biggest thing I am noticing though? I don't have a waste basket by my desk. Time to comandeer one...

Also, I can do my 15 minutes (more time delinated than my one surface rule) during morning Sesame Street time, when my girls are fed, clean and not likely to be fighting over anything (don't get me started on the wonders of twins....) Then, if I am *reallly* organized, I can pump during Mr Rogers. (Yes, I am still pumping. Yes, they are almost 13 months old. Yes, they eat 'real' food too. They have had a total of three sniffles between them in their entire lives to date. 'Nuff said.)

One thing that I am being very organized about is getting ready for our first SCA camping event as a four-some. This weekend (K is off!) is our TRY IT OUT weekend - get the back 'lawn' under control enough to pitch our tent on it, and try sleeping out there with the girls, just to get all of us used to it, and our bedtime routines (one place where I actually have some!) down, so, hopefully, we will actually get to camp for all three nights over Memorial Day weekend. I also have to sew (K does the laundry) and pack about a billion little outfits for the girls (K and I have some, obviously) between now and then, and get ready for the classes I am teaching (one on tapestry weaving - don't ask about the mini-warp weighted loom I made this week when I have so much else to do - one on my new A&S challenge, and one on pregancy, nursing, and baby garb).

Good thing I have energy to burn. Now if only I can learn to channel it!

NOT on my butt

2007-05-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

Lest you think I am slacking, gentle reader, I can assure you that I am NOT. I've just gone back in time...

I took the girls to their first SCA (medieval reenactment) event the other day, and had to make them both shifts and tunics last week. (They loved it, btw.) I taught a scribal arts (calligraphy and illumination) roundtable while there, and have been doing more of this kind myself lately.

Here's Dana in her new little shift and tunic, all done up with armpit gores and embroidered reverse facing at the neck. Ain't she sweet? :)

I have also given myself a big, new, SCA style challenge (50 new projects + 50 new pieces of medieval clothing/garb + teaching 50 classes, all in the next eight years as we gear up for the SCA turning 50 in 2015) and started a blog to record that process. Anyone interested can check it out here.

I AM still working on Swoops too, but embroidering tunics took precedence last week.... Cute kids will be my undoing!

2007-04-22T08:58:00.000-05:00

Anyone remember this piece? This is Swoops, aka The Magic Schoolbus. It has been languishing on my design wall (in its intended vertical orientation) since the summer of 2005. Pa The Tic.

Anyway, I have, with the help of Eric Maisel, art coach, come to a major conclusion: Not finishing my crap is *2* strikes against it. If I just finish the ratzenfratzen stuff, I might find that not everyone thinks it is the crap that I think it is. Better yet? Even if it turns out that my stuff really IS headed for tertiary treatment at the local sewage plant, at least it will be DONE AND OFF MY WALL. That, all by itself, would be a huge blessing.

Therefore, my art project of the week: I actually took Swoops down and worked on it, and PLAN to have it FINISHED (or at least ready for backing) by Wednesday noontime (so I can show it to someone that afternoon). My daughter, Dana, happened to be in the studio with me when swoops came off the design wall, and, much to my chagrin, she almost died of shock; I don't think she knew that things weren't up there permanently and COULD come down. This piece hasn't budged since before she was conceived, and here we just bought her first pair of Big Girl shoes for her playdate at the park today. Sigh.

No need to beat myself up for what I haven't gotten done before now though - I have learned those lessons, and punishing myself for not having learned them sooner is pointless. I am NOW working on getting this piece finished, and that feels great.

BTW - I opened Picassa to gather together my photos of finished work for my gallery page. It (depressingly) didn't take long. Some of the pictures are lousy, some pieces I just don't have pictures of, and, well, I just haven't finished that much work, obviously. So - I need to take some new pictures, juggle computers for lack of a connecting cable, and then I'll get back to you.

One year later

2007-04-16T07:58:00.000-05:00

My girls just turned one year old. What a year! They are such big girls now; not really babies anymore. Waah! I am so proud of them though - Dana has become outright generous (even giving her favorite lovey to her sister when Rowyn was sad), and Rowyn has taken to talking on a pretend phone whenever I talk on the real one. Guess I spend too much time on the phone, eh? Sigh... Time to get them into the studio with me so they can see what I REALLY spend my time doing when I am not in the superyard with them!

Check back to this post later, to give me time to unpack the camera and post pics of our birthday trip to the New England Aquarium!

Body of Work

2007-04-01T07:58:00.000-05:00

Funny that this title includes the word 'work,' eh? No one calls it their body of play.

Anyway - I *am* actually working on a gallery site for my work. I'm not sure what I will PUT there yet (lol), but folks *will* actually get to see my work.

Cutting the Crapola

2007-03-31T18:02:00.000-05:00

I have been avoiding fabric. I know, I know - blasphemous. I still like fondling it, but actually making stuff with it? Eh. I have spent the last two months doing medieval-style illuminations; knotwork, miniature portraiture, gold leaf work, etc. And I have been doing a LOT of it. It comes so easily, and I'm not really invested in my results, since I'm just playing.

I just got the book "Coaching the Artist Within" by Eric Maisel, and am here to do the first exercise; a variant on the empty chair technique. Basically, it calls for taking myself to task for my personal crap. Here goes:

S: "I never finish anything, and my work bores me."
Art Coach: "That is two issues, let's do one at a time. I think the second will fall away once the first is dealt with, so let's start with why I never finish anything."

S: "Fine. Actually, I DO finish things, just not my art quilts."
AC: "What things DO I finish?"

S: "I finish simple baby quilts. I finish illumination paintings. I finish fabric painting. I do not finish art quilts and projects that mean something to me."
AC: "Let me get this straight - the stuff that actually MEANS something to me I don't FINISH?"

S: "Yup. On the head. The bigger I make something out to be, the less likely I am to finish it."
AC: "Why do I think that is?"

S: "If something isn't done, I have an excuse for it not being good enough. It isn't that it isn't good enough, it is that it isn't good enough YET. Also, I abandon projects that aren't working."
AC: "It sounds putting some extra time up front in my design process could help with the latter problem (ie see my problems before I get to them), and that in turn might make me happier with my progress, and make it easier for me to finish."

S: "Yeah, but that sounds like boring work. Plus, I'm just not excited about all that upfront stuff, and it is my excitement that carries me through."
AC: "But not all the WAY through, or we wouldn't be having this conversation."

S: "True. But this is really starting to sound like WORK. Yech."
AC: "Only if I actually want to finish work that matters to me. If I'm happy playing around and only finishing sketches, then I'm doing fine the way I am. Doing something more meaningful is going to mean WORKING at it."

S: "Well then, I'm doomed, because I am lazy. I don't LIKE being lazy, but motivation and followthrough have never been my forte."
AC: "What is stopping me from MAKING them my forte?"

S: "When I get something right, I feel that I just lucked out. If I actually work at something and fail, then I feel lousy. I just can't take that, I guess."
AC: "Who is judging whether you fail or not? My seascape quilt was fabulous, and I finished it. Why did that work for me?"

S: "Well, I guess I really did plan out those pieces (quilt and bumper set), with sketches and a cohesive fabric pallette and all. Plus, it was for a baby, so the judgement factor was negligible."
AC: "So I fear judgement by folks I consider to be worthy critics?"

S: "I guess so. I suppose that I don't NEED to show my work to others, but then I don't get GOOD feedback either. Maybe I could only show work I am happy with, rather than just anything I have actually gotten finished, good or bad. I think I have made finishing my work a bigger goal than it actually being any good. Talk about messed up priorities."
AC: "Well, yes and no. Good work that isn't finished isn't really good either, right? Why don't I focus on getting my processes *started* right, and then, hopefully, they will *continue* right, and be easier to FINISH and then SHARE, since I'll be ok with them."

S: "Hm. Ok. I'll try that."

That was interesting. I knew what I wanted to talk to myself about before I started, and I *thought* I knew where this was going (ie about who cares if anyone else likes it as long as I do, etc), but, lo and behold, I actually found something to fix OUTSIDE of my head. Pretty neat. Interestingly enough, I have been doing test pieces of my illumination work, and have been really pleased with the results.

I think that part of my issue stems from the silly idea (ingrained in elementary school) that art is a talent, not a skill. A talent you either have or you don't, but a skill takes honing, and honing means preparation and plain old work. I guess I knew it couldn't be that easy, eh? I see how many hours Mrs Mel and Sonji put into their work, and I see how many hours I put into my work when I am in the flow with it. I guess the hard part is transitioning from planned work to flow work and back again as needed. Obviously something I need to work on...

2007-03-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

I know that folks have wanted a more recent picture of my girls, so here they are, Rowyn and Dana, at 11 months (less than three weeks ago). Dana's hair is still completely out of control, obviously. I keep hoping that it will grow out enough for me to tuck behind her ears, but her curls (not really evident here, as she needed a tubby in a *bad* way) kind of don't really take to 'tucking' very well. We've tried headbands (wound up around her neck - ack!), and barrettes sort of scare me since I got one stuck in my skull back in fourth grade (don't ask), so no go there. Elastics look too cute for words, and NO, I won't show you the pictures (at least not today). Suggestions welcome. Rowyn, true to form, has easy hair, even if it is getting in her eyes now. Go figure.

My letter to my old friend from high school

2007-03-30T18:00:00.000-05:00

(This is the letter I sent to Christine, verbatim. Very brave of me, don't you think? :)

Hi Crisco -

Ok, ok. I'll admit it, you intimidated the HECK out of me, saying "Sounds like we've shared similar paths ... ," then proceeding to talk about your PhD, Harvard/MIT, and your snappy new company. Then you asked to see MY work.

Oi.

So, anyway, I have pretty much put off replying to your email until now; a sunny Friday afternoon, my girls climbing around beside me, Star Trek Voyager playing in the background, and my ego in decent shape after a long nap.

Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty darned good, but I *had* hoped to be both where you were and where you currently are; I loved teaching high school, but would have loved to have gotten my PhD in bio/neuroscience even more, I love puttering around in my studio, but having an actual career in art would be even better. Even getting to have had my children a few years earlier was in the plans, but not in the cards.

Sure, a few things got in my way, but things get in everyone's way. Actually, I'm pretty GLAD that I got seriously ill in the late '90's (HHV6 brain infection), as going through that gave me a perspective on life and living that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise. Getting divorced in 1996 was good for me, as hard and weird as it was. Even trying to get pregnant on my own and then dealing with infertility with my husband gave me more time to prepare for motherhood and the paradigm shift it has brought me.

I hope to start my MSW when the girls are in school (we need to get Kevin his nursing degree first), and I have chosen not to pound my creative spirit into a commercially-appropriate shape (if my stuff eventually gets noticed, great, if not, well, better for my mental health). I have my lovely girls and a great husband. We hope to sell our house here in Burlington, Vermont, this year, and move (in the area if we have our way, to the Boston area if my mother has hers) into a house with all the bedrooms on one floor, so I don't have to deal with stairs (not a really doable thing since my brain infection), or face having the girls share a room with us indefinitely.

I guess what I am saying is that I am really glad that things have gone so well for you. I'm also saying that I am really glad that I have been able to find the silver linings in my life, and grow from them, rather than get lost in the storm clouds themselves. Storms are a part of life, and I suppose that I should be glad that I have the skillset and resilience to weather them.

Lol. Quite the little can of worms you inadvertently knocked over, eh? Introspection is one of the things I have gained, but I usually don't dump it over the head of long lost friends like this; hopefully you don't mind too much! My personal motto is that I think "I should take myself seriously enough, but no more than that." I love my life, but I can look at it critically when confronted with the insecurities that reencountering someone from high school can stir up from the depths. Better yet, I can then laugh at the whole darned mess I've made, and even revel in it.

Speaking of which, you talk on your blog about trying to be cool in high school; about trying not to be too Asian - too smart and sort of conservative (my interpretation). Just for the record, I *always* thought you were cool AND smart. You were poised, self-actualized, and funny as all get-out. And, I might add, you had drive and heart to spare. It really doesn't surprise me at all that you have done so well, and seem so happy with your life.

Also, your request for a place to see my work has spurred me to update my blogsite, for which I thank you. I have yet to get my pictures all up and organized, but I'll let you know when I do; hopefully, soon. I'm not the most organized person on the planet, especially with my studio buried under the living room furniture we had to move to make room for the mondo superyard, but this is something I have been wanting to do for some a while, and you have given me enough of an intimidating boot in the pants to make it actually happen. ;) I'm pretty happy with my work, even if (and perhaps because) I *do* tend to stop working on something just shy of completion so that I can jump into something new and seemingly more exciting. Anyway, I'll see if I can get my stuff together for you to see.

Meanwhile, my daughters are clamoring for my attention since Dada is out teaching Tae Kwon Do at the YMCA, so I need to go.

Best wishes, and hope you don't mind worms too much, since you are now officially swimming in them. I strongly considered not sending you this... well, honest... a response, but what the heck. I've got to get over high school *eventually,* right?

Enjoy -
Susan

Hit or Miss

2007-03-30T08:03:00.000-05:00

I was just starting up a blog for another community I work with (the InReach Pagan Community), and decided to try the "next blog" button at the top of my interface.

I wound up at the blog of a Franciscan monk, named Charles. (Check out his blog at a minor friar.)

According to his blog, he's a big fan of punk rock.

Gotta love the blogosphere...

Anyway, he talks about what a friend of his calls the "survival of defeatist." Basically, that pessimistic people are better prepared to deal with the trials and tribulations of life because they have already envisioned and thought about those possibilities.

I do not consider myself a pessimist. In fact, I am usually (low-self esteem post of the other day notwithstanding) quite an optimistic person. Never the less, I often *plan* on things going badly, figuring that in this way I am prepared for a poor outcome, and will be better able to deal with it. However, I always *hope for* and *work towards* the best outcome. When questioned about this attitude I say that I always prefer being "pleasantly surprised."

I'm not sure if this has impacted my survivability or not, but it certainly has made me more mentally resilient. I get the challenge of problem solving ways out of negative situations, and I get to put my efforts into working towards more positive outcomes, sometimes avoiding pitfalls that might not have been apparent to me without my problem solving.

I find this proactive and useful. I find it better than pure optimism, which I find somewhat naive; bad things happen, and we can be blindsided by them, anticipate them and do nothing, or plan for them, and hope that we can mitigate their worst effects.

Pase 1: Complete!

2007-03-29T08:44:00.000-05:00

Well, what do you think of the new format? The upgraded template interface at Blogger is EASY. I set this up in about 30 minutes, new info included. Now I just need to get my links and stuff together and fill it out some. But first I hereby do the important step of congratulating myself on my progress so far. Yay me!

I'm in a much better headspace today (hurray for therapy!) and we are getting ready to take the girls out to their second movie in the theatre - The Last Mimzy. We have so-called "Mom's matinees" every Thursday, and when Kevin and I took the girls to see Bridge to Terebithia last month, we had the theatre all to ourselves! Rowyn loved it, and Dana slept. We'll have to see how today goes, but hopefully it will be fun for all!

Revamp

2007-03-28T09:13:00.000-05:00

I got back in touch with an old friend from high school recently (Hi Crisco!) and she commented that our lives have been on similar tracks. She has a PhD in music and cognition and used to teach/work at either Harvard or MIT (blame my brain if I'm getting this wrong) before she had her gorgeous daughter. Now she runs a lovely custom stationary company from her home.

Me? Not so much. I have TWO gorgeous daughters, but other than that, I putter in my studio and used to teach high school biology. I have two bachelors degrees, one in Forest Biology and one in Education. I *would* have another in Studio Art if UVM had counted my credits from RISD as anything other than filler towards my BS. I *hope* to get my MSW in the next ten years and work with folks thrown for a loop by illness and disability, as I have been.

Hearing that she thought our lives sounded similar, I quite literally *laughed out loud.* Yeah, I went to school, worked with youth and taught them stuff, have kids and do art. Similarity *over.* Nevertheless, I had a nice ego boost, but of a variety that made me feel, well, lacking.

Then she asked if there I had a website of my artwork she could check out. Needless to say, I have been too intimidated to write back to her and tell her any of this stuff. Maybe I'll just send her a link to this blog and *really* show off my insecurities! Sigh. Did I mention that she was the kind of gal that even oozed self-confidence back in High School, when I couldn't even get it together to *speak* half the time, and felt like I looked at the world from inside my own personal fishbowl, distorted glass and all? Double sigh.

Anyway, I am telling YOU about it, gentle reader, and maybe I'll be brave enough to let her read this too. But not before I *get this blog under control.* My template has been the same since I started the sucker, I haven't posted pictures (even of my gorgeous babes) in MONTHS AND MONTHS, and it is seriously lacking in the add-ons expected in today's modern blogosphere; tag index or even - gasp - links! SO - revamp time. I hope to learn how to fix all this, and even go back and add pictures to my prior posts. All this, just to get some of my art together to show this person in a way that makes me not want to hide under my sewing table.

And yeah, I am having a WAY insecure morning. More dreams about folks from other folks from high school and woke up with a migraine. Joy. What is it about high school that it has the power to make us regress to our most insecure selves **20 years** later? Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist today! Lol.... at least I have learned to LAUGH at my self-deprecation, eh?

Sigh. Off to learn my way around Picassa2 and the 'new' blogger. Wish me luck!

Sonji and Oprah

2007-03-27T08:32:00.000-05:00

I dreamt this morning that I was seated next to Oprah at lunch, and tried to write down Sonji's blog addy so Oprah could go check it out. My writing was illegible and my spelling terrible (important for URLs, go figure). I tried and tried, but couldn't get it right.

I even drew a carpet page from the Book of Kells (medieval manuscript of the Gospels - all Celticy Knotworky), something that I have been studying lately as I've been working on my own illumination paintings and calligraphy work (funny that my writing was illegible, eh?)

Anyway, I just tried to post on Sonji's comments about it, but no go. Ah well. I do think that Oprah would enjoy her blog, IMHO. Her loss.

Happy Birthday to Me...

2007-03-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

My birthday has been grand. My day started off with waking up next to my daughter, Rowyn, and the huge wet spot created by her leaking diaper. Kevin made pancakes for our breakfast, and the girls sat to the big table for the first time (coffee table in the superyard, but with them pulled right up to it, with our traditional family lucky pennies tied to the frame), and used plates and ate pancakes for the first time; all during Little Einsteins. Dana even fed me a non-drooled on bite of hers before she flipped her plate and sent the rest of hers flying. Morning nap time was a hassle, but the girls and I all got under the sheet and I hit it up with my hands, and they loved it.

We were supposed to go to an SCA event today, but the snowstorm put the cabosh on that plan. Our backup was to go to the ECHO aquarium here on Lake Champlain, but lovely long phone calls from Page and Susan (both in Texas, believe it or not) took up most of our time before afternoon nap was supposed to start, but didn't! Kevin eventually loaded the girls in the car for a before-dinner wind-down while I ironed my pants (I'm officially back in a size 14! Hurray!) and frosted my own chocolate cake. Then we were off to Olive Garden, where nine friends awaited us - Tracy, Jim and their twins, Paley and her son Declan, and Maya, Annette and her partner Danny. It was grand, and we had between us the five best behaved toddlers on the planet. Paley drove a total of four hours just to be at dinner with us. I am so blessed.

Rowyn and Dana both even had their first bites of chocolate cake (the first chocolate/junk food we have actually given them); Dana predictably loved it, while Rowyn wanted nothing to do with it, opting instead for more Cherrios. All of the kids were really sweet and good, and Maya even did magic tricks for us between courses. It was great fun, and the same crew will be together for R&D's birthday next month, so even better!

I wore my lotus perfume tonight. Lotus is sacred to Kwan Yin; the Most Merciful, the Hearer of Cries. Talking to her helped me deal with the rollercoaster of trying to get pregnant, and now here I am - bookended by sweet little girls at my 35th birthday dinner. It seemed appropriate, as gratitude always does.

My presents, too, spoke of how blessed I am. Not in the receiving, but in the understanding and love my friends have for me - a candle holder carved from solid salt, a set of multicolored inks for my illumination, the upgrade to EQ6, a book on spiritual travel adventures by a collection of women writers (A Woman's Path), and a bouquet of daffodils, my favorite flower.

And we still get to go to ECHO tomorrow.

I might not like this getting old thing, but if it means knowing myself and being known so well by those I love, then I'll take it.

The Cusp

2007-03-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

I'm about to turn 35. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that '40 is the new 20' and all that jazz, but I feel like I am really leaving my youth behind. Someone asked me if I felt this way because of my kids, and I really don't think that is it; more like I feel like this is my BODY leaving my youth behind - just starting to begin my midlife now instead.

I actually LIKE my white hairs, and the girls are already starting to get me into better shape than I have been in a while, and that is just going to continue as they (and I with them) get more active. My skin hasn't bounced back from my stretch marks like it might have a decade ago, but I am happy to have them since they brought me my girls. So maybe that isn't it...

My lifestyle is pretty juvenile - post-c0llege furniture hodge podge, and no organized way of dealing with the running of our home. I think I am feeling like a) I should be better at this part of my life by now, and b) that I WANT to be better at this part of my life now, so my girls can grow up in a home that doesn't look like the Goodwill exploded in it.

An older friend of mine has a pin that says "if you haven't had to grow up by the time you are 35, you obviously don't have to." Dangling verb aside, I agree. We both have more education to get for impending career changes, but many of our generation do that. I like the time we spend together, and, mostly, how we spend it. Our communication skills and involvement in our communities are good - better than most, actually. I can still play like a kid, and live in my yoga pants, but I CAN do the whole dressed for success thing, and DO so when I am in a professional environment. I feel like we are pretty well adjusted - outside of our property boundary.

Inside? Not so much. Chores happen when our superegos nag us into compliance. In our professional lives we ususally do more than asked, but at home, where it impacts our girls' every waking moment? They are my biggest motivators to change in this department.

I said over a year ago that this is my decade to get organized and start running my home like an adult. My girls are almost one year old, and I am really starting to feel better. I have carved out some time for me to take the girls out, and for me to have time for myself and my creative work. Now it is time for me to get serious about improving my daily life. This kind of chaos is a pattern that I grew up with, and thus repeated. I need to model better for my girls, and I will.

Meanwhile, my disappointment at not having a party apparently made an impression on my husband, and I am actually getting a birthday party. :) Did I mention that I still know how to play like a kid?

Neurodiversity and Silver Linings

2007-03-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

Ever have a *great NEW* idea only to hear that someone has just published a BOOK on it? I'm sure that we have all had that experience at one time or another. I'm tired of trying to keep up with being fresh. In fact, I am feeling downright STALE.

And I'm working on being ok with it. Being out of the loop, and only having ever presumed to hover *near* it to begin with, I can't hope to be cutting edge in my design. In fact, I think that my need to be new - either in relation to the Jones' (or the Johnson's) or to myself and yesterday - is part of my problem, and my success. UFOs, mess, my hummingbird mind, my cobblestone career; all of it. The first two I strive to deal with, the latter two enrich my life in innumerable ways.

I have heretofore called my hummingbird mind my butterfly brain, and the change is due to Susanne Antonetta. In her 2005 book A Mind Apart, she talks about neurodiversity, and the richness it brings to our culture. She feels that the varied ways of thinking and perceiving the world done by those with various neurological states (ie autism and mental illness) should be preserved, even while we are helping those with said conditions to deal with the less desirable aspects of their neurological states.

I would have to add to her list of states those deliberately induced; those created by trancework and meditation, as well as those produced by various pharmacopias, the latter having been studied extensively in the American 1960's. My foray into said is strictly prescription, and even my current work could be said to spring from this neurodiversity; my mind on antidepressants for my post-partum depression. I have also meditated for years, and the state I can bring myself to is a very creative one; I often enter it by doing my artwork itself, in fact.

Her book is very interesting for two reasons; she describes the thought processes and lives of the neurodiverse (her definition, not mine), and also demonstrates it through her own writing as someone with Bipolar I. (Bipolar I is the classic manic-drepressive illness, while Bipolar II is better known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or, insultingly, the Winter Blues.) The writing aptly (and sometimes TOO aptly) shows the 'hummingbird mind' she describes. Chapters (I am only about 1/3 through it) range from the sublimely collected and freshly relevant to the disturbingly disjointed.

I can relate. I have Bipolar II, have been dealing with Post-partum depression for going on a year, and have dealt with other episodes of depression my whole life. I also have Fibromyalgia, CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome), and sequelae from a Herpes VI brain infection in the late 1990's. My brain proves to me every day that I am among the 'neurodiverse'.

Manic-depression has long been known to the artistic community - the moody darks of the depressions, the up all night working in the studio for days on end manias. I didn't even KNOW that Seasonal Affective Disorder HAD a hypomanic component (not as severe as a true manic episode) in the dog days of July and August. I have spent my share of long nights in the studio and around the campfire during that season, but I have also had most of my interpersonal relationships fall apart at that time of year. I've never done anything fully *rash*, but have obviously acted or thought differently enough to enact change in my life (or have it acted upon me) at that time of year on occaision.

And that is a good thing, mostly. Even finally getting diagnosed with SAD back in college helped, as I didn't understand before that why I always got off to such a bad start on second semester, why I lived in bed, or why I craved the sun more than the rest of us here in New England do in winter. Just *knowing* these things helped me. When my now husband and I went medieval camping in August several years ago (to Pennsic, for the SCA initiated out there), an event that no relationship of mine had *ever* survived intact before, we knew better what we were in for. Getting through it, and having fun doing so, was a joyous event for us; we even got handfasted!

Speaking of disjointed, I was reminded today of the tradition of breaking a glass at Jewish weddings, that we should show our acceptance and understanding that joy is always tempered by loss and sorrow. Such is the life of many of the neurodiverse. Those with organic changes to their brains or neurochemistry often know this - the warm love given by those with Down's, the artistic genius and focus often seen in those with Autism Sprectrum Disorders, the new appreciation for life and those we love felt by many who have dealt with spinal cord injuries or traumatic brain injuries. The rush of energy found in mania, the high and/or feeling better of pharmaceuticals, the peace and insight brought about by meditation. These 'upsides' we know, but - wow - we also know the downsides, obviously. No one wants to lose function or family, no one wants to be an addict or a recluse. That said, thank heavens for the silver lining some of us manage to find.

I wish more of us could find it. Many drugs given as 'treatments' for organic conditions leave a plethora of side effects, often leave some of the symptoms of the illness itself unmitigated, and usually steal that silver lining, if any had been found, completely away. Many folks with Bipolar conditions deliberately stop taking their meds so that they may have their manic moments, and the euphoria and perceived productivity that accompany them. (Bipolar II's hypomania can actually become a problem for the first time if antidepressants are continued during the summer months. Speak to your Doctor before changing ANY medications you are currently taking, obviously!) Functionality is certainly the paramount goal of treatment, but I can see where it would sometimes be desirable to trade a small amount of function to be able to enjoy some of the few benefits that living with these conditions can provide. Perhaps, in the future, treatments will be devised that will allow one to keep the positive 'symptoms' while getting rid of the less pleasant ones.

I think this comes back to my feeling stale. My antidepressants are working well on my post-partum depression, even though it is winter here in Vermont, and my SAD should still be in full force. I am feeling more functional than I have since my second trimester, and I am certainly getting more done than I have in months. One thing though, is SHOT. I am managing to do all sorts of mundane tasks; cleaning, finishing UFOs, etc, but one could never call them *creative.* Even my woodblock was an exercise in technique, and I just grabbed a quilt block pattern to have something to carve.

I am (and my house *certainly* is) at a point where mundane task completion is a GOOD thing, but I have to say that I am missing my *spark.* Maybe that is still to come - depression can kill creativity too, and maybe I just need to continue with my treatment more to be able to recover it; motivation THEN function THEN creativity. I certainly hope so, but I wonder if maybe my meds haven't 'treated' my creativity too, as I remember getting through many of my early days as a mother daydreaming when I couldn't move, and I can't seem to do that now, even as I move with relative ease.

So, for the present, part of the silver lining of my mind is seemingly gone, perhaps in favor of the movement of my body. I'm just going to have to work with this, obviously. I've gotten pretty good at just taking the hand that the day has dealt me as a person with Fibromyalgia; I never know what symptoms I'm going to wake up with, especially when I haven't gotten a full and restful night of sleep (ha!)

Thank heavens the sun is shining... and, believe it or not, but thank heavens that I have a messy house and UFOs to put my hands to while my brain continues to heal.

Art at last!

2007-03-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

Not only did I spin up the rest of a rainbow top this weekend (for a present for my girls), but I am almost finished with a multi-year UFO needlepoint (orange trees in blossom, by Candace Berhouth (sp?)).

Yeah, those are more 'craft' than 'art.' But I ALSO made my *first-ever* woodblock carving yesterday! The wood carved WAY easier than I thought it would - hardwood even! - and the blade holder didn't even hurt my hands once I wrapped muslin around the textured part of the handle.

No, I won't show you my work today. It looks crap. I didn't say my carving was GOOD, just easy to do. I made a real mess of it, but loved it anyway, so at least I got the important part right! Hurray!

Next project, after I finish the needlepoint? DH and I are GOING to clean the kitchen today, and I am designing little leather shoes (basically homemade Robee's) for the girls for our upcoming season of medieval reenactments. Hopefully they won't grow out of them as soon as I get them done!

BTW - I WILL give y'all a picture of my girls in their medieval getups once I get them all done. Greenland gowns and Viking aprons (without the brooches) are what I'm thinking. Coifs won't get worn much, but I can try, right? Lol...

Gotta love the creative kick in the butt of jumping back a millenium!

Slight detour, but right general direction

2007-03-03T18:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok. I've only cleaned three surfaces (card table, kitchen counter, and sewing table), but I have a) done a decent quantity of spinning, and b) have gotten out of the house without my husband twice in the last week, once by myself, and once with the girls, to their very first playgroup. (Everyone had to leave after only 20 min since we got there late, but just getting there was a start, esp since I hadn't had both girls out by myself since about SEPTEMBER. Pa the tic.) I even went to the art store afterward for a bench hook for cutting linoleum for block printing, but they didn't have any in stock. Sigh.

I *tried* though, and that counts. Spinning isn't really 'art', but it is handwork, so that is a start. It doesn't do much for my BRAIN though, so I still need to find something else to strike a spark in my gray matter.

Meanwhile? Nachos for dinner! Yum!

Jia - Taming my house and making a home

2007-02-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

In the book "Shelter for the Spirit" by Victoria Moran, she refers to the Chinese word for home and family - Jia. One word, both/same meaning.

My house is a complete STY. Any of my old Partners in Clean out there can just hang their heads in discouragement of my predicament, but, honestly, I'm not all that surprised. Twins and post-partum depression will do that to a girl!

Anyway, here I am. I am seriously in need of not only getting to where I can just keep up with things, but with purging BIGTIME. Why you may ask? Just general clutter? Alas - no. We need to move. (I can't carry kids up the stairs, and that is where the other bedrooms are - all four of us in one room is getting OLD FAST, especially since we only have a queen size bed, otherwise, I'd be all for it.)

So - I need to get moving, and I thought that I'd use this space to motivate myself, and maybe you too! If I can find time with MY energy and kids, you can too! (Stories? Share them if you've got 'em!)

The only way I have *ever* had success with cleaning/organizing? Doing one small space/project at a time, and stopping there, savouring my success. One desktop. One drawer. One cupboard. Whatever I want, but only ONE of them. For crazier projects, like raking or whatever, where there is no point at which one is 'done,' (not that I rake, mind you - in Vermont that is just an exercise in stupidity,) I give myself a set period of time which I feel that I can stomach, and then go for it, no ifs and or buts. By the time I run out my clock, I am usually doing so well that I CHOOSE to do more. Bizarre, eh?

Anyway, I am going to try for one space/timespan per day. I am nervous that I'm not going to find time/energy EVERY day, but I am also aware that the entropy generated by two almost-toddlers and my beloved but organization impaired husband (and me, if I'm honest with myself) would keep my house a complete shambles with anything less than an everyday effort. No point in half-*ssing it and not getting anywhere with my efforts! So - it might be a really really small space each day, but it WILL happen.

Watch this space for how badly I mess this up. Yeah, I'm being a pessimist, and that is a LOUSY way to start a new endeavor, but I am just *sooooo tired* of never getting anywhere with this - dirty dishes and laundry just keep reappearing, and I never get below the surface clutter to the real purging that needs to happen.

I know some of the things that keep me from succeeding, aside from not staying with it - my frugal streak is too wide, for one, and I never *actually* get rid of the stuff that I say I am going to get rid of. My husband and mother have been known to eventually drop my bags of clothes at the Goodwill, but that is about all. (I think I got negative about donations when I took a HUGE bunch of books to my local library, only to be told that they don't take non-fiction. They only take stories. Don't get me started on the rant I gave them about access to information and priorities - I'm sure it would have been the same one you would have delivered!)

My frugal streak means that I hold onto anything a) of monetary value, b) anything of sentimental or inspirational value, or c) anything that might be difficult or expensive to reacquire (ie old movies, music, books, etc). Needless to say, unless something is 6 sizes too small and all my friends of my friends are gargantuan, I never get rid of anything. (I DID get rid of my clothes under size 14 when I got pregnant - I figured that if got down to a size 12 that I *deserved* to go shopping for new clothes, and, miracles never cease - I may actually get down to that this summer, pumping breast milk and running after twins providing!)

So - major space-taking categories that need to be purged include:

Clothes- mine and the girls (stuff that they have grown out of at their completely crazy rate of growth)
Books/magazines/videos/CDs/software - if I haven't looked at it or leant it out in the last three years, and if would cry if the girls couldn't enjoy it someday, out it goes
Fabric, art and craft stuff - easy to get rid of - schools and charities love this stuff - but *getting rid of fabric!?!?!??** Yes, I AM crazy, but I also have some stuff that I am unlikely to use, and which takes up HUGE quantities of space... garb fabric from the SCA and calicoes from when I tried making baby quilts to sell (not so much, but that is another, not *completely* depressing story - ask me another time).
Paper - this one is genetic folks - my Dad makes copies of everything he deems needful, and then 'files' them. More like he 'piles' them - on every flat surface available, including the floor. Sigh. I honestly think that this one will be the easiest to deal with, once I get my filing cabinet up to snuff.

I also need to get some moving and storage boxes so that I pack some stuff as I go - no point moving it twice, eh?

Yikes this is a big project. Breathe, Susan... One space at a time. One space at a time. One space at at time. Do it so my girls don't grow up in the same chaos that *I* did!!!

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

2007-02-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

Hi folks -

The girls are 10 months old now, pulling to standing and cruising around. They aren't sleeping through the night without eating several times, and show no sign of doing so soon, despite our trying to get them to do so.

Still no art, still no time/energy to do anything but sometimes curl up with a book, but at least I am really starting to FEEL BETTER. My post-partum depression started improving in December, and I am finally almost completely off of my painkillers. Hurray! Now if I can just kick the remains of my winter cold!

That being that case, I have high hopes of being really finally over my pregnancy by the time Spring hits here in Vermont - around the girls' birthday in April - and that I'll actually be able to take them to the park, and to playgroups, and all that other fun mom-and-toddler stuff that I didn't get to do back when we were mom-and-babies. Ah well - better late than never, eh?

I hope that you and your families and projects are doing well...

Long time

2006-11-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

and no break in sight.

The girls are 7 months old now, and completely fabulous, but OI are they a handful, and I am TUCKERED OUT. Mom is shipping the girls and I off to her house in Boston for a week until Thanksgiving to 'give me a break,' but since I have the most hands-on hubby EVER, I just figure that I will be doing MORE work, not less.

Ah well, she means well.

Nothing artsy WHATSOEVER. Not even my usual ornament schtick. Sigh. My studio is now the househould junk room, and I really don't see that changing any time soon. Pain is still a constant in my life, and my meds and doctors just aren't helping anymore. Plus, time and energy are just nonexistant, as evidenced by my complete absence from this blog (hey, at least I remembered my account name for once!)

I think that my next project is going to actually be for my very own children, even though I have projects in process for other folk's kids. Those WILL get done eventually, but why should their kids get my limited work output when my own girls have nothing but the sweaters I made them (FINALLY finished them recently - they'll wear them once over this week for a picture, then get packed away, since they will already be too tight on my big 15 pounders!!! Best reason ever to not have something fit, eh?)

I want to applique their names in nice big letters that I made the templates for back when I was pregnant. I originally planned to do them in pastels, but since EVERYTHING I see these days is either a)pastel or b)bright primaries, I thought I might actually use like loden green or eggplant or something, just to give my eyes a break, but I probably won't. Regular colors on pastel grounds is probably going to be the ticket - something that will look nice now when they are babies, and will still look ok when they are preteens, in the not so distant as I like to think future.

Sigh. They are already growing up so fast! It sounds wicked cliched, but when life feels like one never ending day, it seems like they grow an inch a week!

Anyway, happy Turkey day to all. Do something creative for me (and tell me about it) so I can live vicariously. I'll even trade you pictures of my girls in their Halloween costumes for your good stories, ok? I'll check back in early December, so you even have time to DO the creative something before you write about it.

The world might still be spinning in it's appointed orbit, but it is still SPINNING, and my life with it! Whee!!!

Nothing so profound

2006-09-29T21:20:00.000-05:00

No quilts, no politics; not really all that much ME under all of this spit-up. I LOVE being a mother - I've never wanted anything more than I've wanted my girls - but I have to have something that I want to do other than take care of them - I need something for my down time, something for my ME time; something FOR me, something ABOUT me, something ME, not just something MOM.

Fatigue is a very insidious disability. I keep getting just enough sleep to realize how frustrated I am with my situation. The art that I used to create is, again, too physically demanding. I stepped down from weaving to quilting years ago for the same reason, and I don't know where to step now. I dream of making furniture, but that is obviously right out of the question, and even my much lesser dreams of beading and scrapbooking require a stillness of hand and a dedication of time and environment that I just can't offer them. Let alone, a stillness of mind - I have to be able to put something down for an indefinate period of time in the time it takes my girls to go from asleep to inconsolate (about 30 seconds) and I need whatever I'm doing to be inexpensive ($360/month on less-allergenic formula to supplement my breast milk), baby/cat safe/proof, and not particularly flat surface consuming. I still haven't finished knitting the coming-home sweaters for my girls, and they are almost too big for them at near 6 months of age, and I am already spinning wool for blankets that I want to crochet for them that they can't outgrow, but neither "knitter" nor "crocheter" sounds like a description of myself that I could find self-satisfaction in.

If we move to the South Shore of Massachusetts, I can take on textiles and textile equipment curation at the Alden House in Duxbury, but we can't afford living there, and my parents can't afford to help us live there, and when we have said that, we've said it - no amount of *wanting* is going to change the financial facts of the situation, and I really don't want to risk my girls getting to see more of their grandparents just to get to spend most of that time watching them talk money with Mama and Dada. Plus, we can all do without the traffic, even if it does come with a lovely beach and dear, dear friends.

I *WILL* go back and get my MSW at some point, but my husband has his RN to get first, and who knows what life with the girls will be like by then anyway, so it sounds more than a little bit lame to define myself by what I want to do when my girls grow-up! Honestly, I want to spend the bulk of my time being the best Mom and wife that I can be, (as hokie as that sounds,) but I also need something where the free-will of others isn't going to be able to derail my senses of self and accomplishment.

My husband says that I could write, or program a game of my own (his hobby/semi-profession), but something about me just requires handwork, and not of the 'can do it in front of the TV without even watching' variety. Anything that a machine can do isn't likely to make me feel very good about my hard work.

Yes, I am a human BEING, not a human DOING, but I want to be something for and of myself, not defined by my relationship to others for 10 minutes a day (mother to my children, wife to my husband, daughter to my parents).

Suggestions welcome...

Another political quilt RE: Aminedijan

2006-09-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm sure I have misspelled that. ZERO offence intended.

Anyway, I watched his speech to the UN last night, and thought it was great. Aside from his paradigm that everyone needs spirituality, and that said should be monotheistic in nature, he didn't say a darned thing that I disagreed with.

The thought provoking part for me, was looking at where the line, time-wise, should be drawn on who 'belongs' where. I learned recently that Lebanese school children learn geography from a map that simply doesn't include Israel at all. Based on that, I can understand how the one can believe that Israel is an interloper.

I asked my mother, who was alive but a child at the time, how the decision to locate Israel where it is today was made. She said that, to her understanding, Israel was located in it's historic position. It seems odd to me that 2000 years of conflicts had determined who had the right of arms to live in that area (not absulte RIGHT mind you), and that European guilt over WW2 didn't give Europe the right to rewrite the net result of those conflicts and 'give back' land that wasn't theirs to give.

That said, I COMPLETELY support the right of both Israel and Palestine to exist. I'm just questioning the location of said countries. I think Aminidijad (sp) had a point that perhaps Europe should have created a Jewish state there, which to my mind makes sense, since that is where the Jews effected by WW2 actually LIVED at the time (as opposed to where their ancestors lived 2000 years ago.)

Anyway, I have ideas for two quilts, both involving a solid background layer of a geographical and political map with a sheer of a proposed political boundary of an Israeli state on them, one of Europe and one of the Levant. I'd have the sheer hang about 6 inches forward of the solid, and be basted down with VERY long stitches to connect the two, showing the outline of the proposed states on the solid/'given' maps. Basically, revisit the proposal, and see wherelse Israel may have gone...

Just an exploration, not a statement one way or the other. Might doesn't make right - not 2000, 65, 57 (when Israel was founded) years ago, or today. It does make maps though, and I'm not sure that we should go back and try to rewrite them, even if we can.

Thus Spoke Dad...

2006-09-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

... and the really great house got kaboshed. It would have been nice if he had mentioned that it was too expensive (even with his help with the mortgage) BEFORE we drove down to Boston to see it, but oh well. At least my folks got to spend time with the girls, and we all got to talk about the move face to face.

It came to light that one of the best reasons for moving to Boston (and the first that my DH has really considered valid) is that my best childhood friend lives there, and REALLY **WANTS** us to move there, so we can be closer, and so our kids can grow up together like we did. DH Kevin moved about a billion times before college, so he doesn't have *any* childhood friends (other than his sibs, which I don't have), and he (and I, of course) really want them for our girls. Plus, having my best girlfriend just a short 5-10 minute jaunt away (rather than a phone call or the 35 plus minute drive to my other best girlfriend's house) would be amazing. The idea of walking or biking to my friend's house makes me feel like a kid again. Granted, she used to live next door, but we can't afford to live in her current hometown, at least not YET. Give it five years, and Kevin's RN, and maybe we can move even closer.

So, we have found ANOTHER house, $100,000 cheaper, and we want to look at IT next weekend. Kevin had already offered to help my Dad move some stuff then anyway, so it wouldn't be an extra drive. Kevin has even dropped his one on-campus class on the premise that we might move this semester - only online classes until we are done moving is the new rule!

Art this week? Does reading "Real Simple" count? Yeah right. My milk production PLUMMETTED with a new drug I was on (note past tense) and my pump went on the fritz, so my big project for the week (aside from yet more sleep) is getting my milk back up! Kevin plans to paint the beginning of next week, so I'm sure I'll be masking up a storm then, but, in the meantime, my life is getting my milk up for little girls whose vocal cords are making sounds like they are perpetually on idle and need a tune-up! VERY annoying!

Hi ho, hi ho

2006-09-02T19:12:00.000-05:00

... off house-hunting we will go...

Yummy prospect at a very decent price, considering the craziness in the markets lately.

More details to follow, but it will be a few days.

This *could be it* and I am VERY excited!!!

Happy Labor Day weekend all - can't believe the summer is over already!!! Ack!

Politics : Fabric - the minimum wage

2006-08-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

I'm just wondering if you think the two mix. I figure if it worked for Betsy Ross, it ought to still sort of stand for the real day to day life and how it looks at the issues of our day.

Crazy ideas I've had for political art quilts include my latest rant - the minimum wage. I haven't done the math out, but I do know that someone working 40 hours a week at the federal minimum wage still doesn't make enough money to break the federal poverty line. How stupid is THAT? It would seem to me that figuring out what the minimum wage ought to be should be a pretty simple calculation, namely poverty line amount divided by 52 (for the weeks in our vacationless and never sick working joe's year)and then divide your result by 40 for the number of hours in a full working week, American-style. Shouldn't THAT number be the minimum wage, ie the minimum amount someone can make an hour and still NOT fall below the poverty line and be able to get some sleep and have time to eat? (If they can *afford* somewhere to sleep and something to eat on what the federal government thinks they can, ie the poverty line.)

So - how to show this in fabric? I think fabric is actually the PERFECT medium for this subject, (other than dollar bills themselves, which, being printed on cotton rag themselves are pretty much fiber objects to begin with) being about daily life.

Idea #1: Some sort of mosaic-like graph of actual wage vs poverty line wage. Lame, but first anyway.

Idea #2: Seven panels wide - one for each day of the week. Photo transfer image of person at different minimum wage job printed at top of each. Money actually paid (the real US currency, since I mentioned it) glued beneath, then beneath *that*, the money that the person DIDN'T get for each day, dyed red bills, painted red coins, and below *that* an image of what that money would have gone towards in the life of a person actually living at the poverty line, like fresh fruit, bus fare, or even protein other than beans (horrors!) Then quilt the whole sucker with words; words that people use to describe folks who manage to get up and face another day at or below the poverty line. Words that I would never want to be called, and won't repeat here. You get the idea.

I actually really like that image, so I'll stop there. BTW - sorry I'm not actually drawing that for you and posting it as my uber-blogger friends would, but I'm just not feeling that cool today, or ever, really. So - where to show said quilt? I mean I *could* make it and just hang on to it, but a quilt about something this important should be SEEN. Somehow though, I just don't see it going over very well at the Vermont Quilt Show. The prize-winning quilt this year was about a pretty group of Native American women; that is about as much cultural guilt most shows seem to be willing to deal with. And, no offense intended, but many of the small, fringy shows that actually DO show politically progressive work all just preach to the choir when you get right down to it. How frustrating THAT would be.

Anyway, that is what I *would* quilt about right now, babies and all, if I thought it would make any difference what so ever, but it wouldn't and I just don't need that kind of disappointment right now.

People who continue to make and actually show political art must be just as hardworking, dedicated/desperate, and able to deal with frustration as those folks working and living at or below the poverty line are. Then again, many of the folks that I know that fit into either category have problems with alcohol and/or relationships. I guess art DOES imitate life, and when that life is spent working for peanuts it can look pretty dreary. A sort of dreariness that I am glad that I can be unself-absorbed enough to notice, but not enough to make me want to spend a lot of time there... even if that time would be in the studio.

Thanks Diane

2006-08-31T15:21:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let my readership know that the moderator of the Art Quilt ring, Diane, kindly read my post about being bumped from the list, and wrote to me about it. She filled me in on my criteria for reinstatement, and I wrote back that I wasn't sure that I was going to qualify any time soon.

Not that I can't post twice a week - easy, even now, with 4.5 month old twins. I'm just not sure that I want to limit my creative work to art quilting right now, especially since that is just so multitasking heavy, and the last thing my sleep-deprived down-time needs to be is *demanding*!

So, I may be back in a month or two, or it might be longer. I WILL get back to art quilting, but I think that I am going to enjoy my foray into other forms for a while first. I have all those projects listed below to be working on, and other ideas too - rustic furniture making (probably dreams only), *actually* getting my house and yard ready for sale (Partners in Clean, where are you!?!?), finding a new home to move into and helping my parents get a potential new property up to snuff (which might be all the same thing!), and, obviously, taking care of my girls and taking care of myself. Fitting myself back into the AQ box seems counterproductive, not to mention overly difficult right now, so I'm not going to do it. Period. What you see is what you get! Right now though, what I've got is a little girl asleep against my rhymically typing left arm. I should get her off to her crib...

shows what I know and block printing

2006-08-26T10:44:00.000-05:00

I guess I do have readers - they just can't all post comments to my blog. I don't know why, and I'll try to figure that out when I've had a little bit more sleep.

Right now though, I am contemplating the uses of block printing in art quilts. I have an itch to try carving some, and want to put them to use asap, so...

I thought about making a sort of diaper pattern (all-over texture, not the nappy sort), or doing a large piece and make it a whole cloth quilt. I have even thought of printing part of the design on one side, and a complementary part on the other side of the quilt sandwich, and then quilting both designs, so that the pattern becomes complete only though the quilting stitches themselves. Then that begs for a translucent batting so that the whole pattern can be viewed at one time, and...

Well, you can see the sorts of things my brain dreams up during the 4 AM feeding!

Anyone have any brilliant ideas on what I can do, art-quilt-wise, with three rolls of tin foil?

Things I'm working on

2006-08-23T11:10:00.000-05:00

Shoulds: (self-imposed, so they are ok)

* finish baby quilt for Erica's son, Jacob Jules
* sew labels on back of Jesse's and Genna's quilts so I can get them delivered
* finish Tra's girls' quilts (one in progress, other unstarted! Yikes!)
* CLEAN OUT MY STUDIO!!!
* finish postcards for year-old exchange (better late than never, I hope)
* send thank-you's for all the lovely things my girls have been given
* finish quilting the Magic Bus quilt from the Straight and Narrow challenge (languishing on the design wall at present)
* line up contractors for garden recovery and ceiling repairs
* get out invites to girls' baptism

Want to's:

* try block printing
* dyeing/painting some yardage
* order print paste from Pro-Chem
* order RTD clothes from Dharma
* play with batik more
* find some fun FICTION to read before the summer vanishes
* play the Civ 4 warlords expansion DH got me, and Sim City 4 that cousin George lent me

Have done recently's:

* screen-printed hand and footprint Father's Day shirts for my husband and Dad
* pastel drawing for card for my Aunt for her birthday
* continuing to document babies on digital camera
* enjoyed stargazing and other simple pleasures in Heath, Mass with family
* sewed boutique overalls for friend Barbara's daughter Ellie (princesses galore!)

___________________________________

Not too bad, and not so good, but doable. Get cracking, and have fun!
Life is what I make it!!!!

Frustration and Paradigm Shift

2006-08-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

I know that I haven't been posting much. Twins and Fibromyalgia are most of the reason, but lack of readership is another. It is very depressing to spend lots of time posting things, knowing that no one will be reading it! Why won't anyone be reading it? Because I was bumped from the list for not posting in over a month back in June. I wrote to the moderator of the ring and requested that I be placed back on the ring, but never got a response. Having just checked the ring, I see that several folks were added to the ring July 8, and another on July 30, so obviously the mod is looking at blogs and mine just didn't stack up. No wonder, since I haven't been posting into the void!

So I am in need of a paradigm shift: I WAS posting becuase I liked being part of the ring community. I miss that aspect of blogging *very* much, especially since it got me both into the studio and through my pregnancy; the support therein was amazing. Now though, I am out here on my own, hoping to meet the mod's standards so I can be allowed back into the group, and I don't like the feeling this evokes in me.

Therefore, although I would love to be allowed back into the group, I need to blog for a different reason in order to actually ENJOY my blogging - I need to make blogging for my audience of one an OK thing. I need to make it fun for ME.

So - I'm going to worry less about what others think about what I am posting - less about general interest, and more about my life and art. I *am* working on art around taking care of my girls (4 months old now) and feeling wretched, and I'm going to write - to MYSELF - about all of it. I learned years ago that I only journal when my relationship with my partner is bad. As a result, I have not journalled since my husband and I got together just over two years ago. So, while keeping the private details private in this online world, I am going to attempt to at least document my artistic life here, and try to do so in a way that fosters personal reflection on my work and my quandries about it.

Sound good? I hope so! Besides, it only needs to sound good to me. Any readers that eventually find their ways here can like it or lump it! Bon voyage, Susan!

VT Quilt Fest - Best in Show

2006-07-14T17:06:00.000-05:00

"Maidens in Full Bloom" by Denise Tallon Havlan of Palos Hills, Illinois. She says that this is "... one quilt in a continuing series of quilts celebrating the Native American." You can't see it well in this photo unfortunately, but the quilting work on this is *definately* one instance of where the quilting really makes the quilt, not that the graphic nature of the piece is slacking, because obbviously it is not.

I love that a non-traditional piece won. :)

Anyway, I will try to play with this in photoshop so I can get you a detail shot of the quilting work. Also, now that my husband is no longer keeping these images hostage on his hidden hardcard, I am going to TRY to show you one a day, ok? I apologize in advance for those images I guess at the artist of because I chopped out the ID numbers with my digital camera. Said camera is now in the shop as my karmic payment for such said error-of-ways. Mea Culpa. I will do the best I can to give correct attributions of work, and will happily take corrections, ok?

Vermont Quilt Festival 2006

2006-07-02T12:15:00.000-05:00

This year was the 30th Anniversary of the Quilt Festival, and they ran a special exhibit to celebrate it - "Historymakers" - it showcased championship quilts from the last 30 years! They also had their usual contest quilts, and those made by kids and by their judges and teachers.

Honestly, I wasn't feeling very well, so I buzzed through the quilts with my 8 megapixel camera and took photos to be studied at length later. Not so good for me, but great for you, eh? I'll get them uploaded and annotated over this coming week so I can post them here.

Shopping can only happen in person though, so I *did!* Mostly gadgets, but also some real indigo fabric (I love the smell!), some fabric from Lunn with the ASL alphabet on it, and, finally, "Color by Design" and "Color by Accident" both by Ann Johnston. If I'd been smart (and frugal!) I would have read the supplies lists while I was at the ProChem booth, and would have gotten what I needed there. Now I'll have to pick stuff up locally or have it shipped, both of which will mean waiting and more money! Rats!

In other news, my girls are growing leaps and bounds, so friends are handing over more and more handmedowns for them, including dozens of *plain white onesies.* Sigh - a fabric painters HEAVEN! I am also placing an order with Dharma for some cute little outfits for the girls, so I ought to be well set for 'canvases' for a while! And I'll have lots of time to work too, since my teaching gig gfot kaboshed -again - for lack of students. Not that plenty of kids aren't still failing biology, but that fewer parents have the money or clout or sense of responsibility to send their kids to summer school. The upshot for me? Less money, but more time - perfect for playing with paint in the sun in between diaper changes!

Scraps!

2006-06-10T11:51:00.000-05:00

I need to know:

What the heck does everyone do with their SCRAPS?!?!?!

I am far too thrify a girl to just throw them away, and so I horde them. I have both a drawer and a special rice basket full of them, and I even sort them into different color groups and give them their own ziplock bags.

But what do I DO with them? I rarely (but sometimes) dig in them to find just the piece I want, and sometimes I actually DO use bits of a fabric that I don't want to cut up muy larger chunks for, but not much more than that - my stash of scraps is growing.

Crazy quilting would be a natural, but is just not for me. Pieces are mostly calicoes, 1" x 2" and up. Suggestions or offers to take them off my hands welcome.

Thought for the day, to be perused while I keep purging the studio: what can I do with CHALK?

Partners in Clean - I need YOU!

2006-06-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

I have used my studio as a refuge - for my sanity and my junk - during my pregnancy, and now it REALLY needs a good cleanout. I've done quite a bit already, but you would never know it to look at it. So... I'll take a picture now, and then post it and a new shot when you can actually see progress. Please don't let me off the hook on this, ladies - I need my studio too much right now to let this slide.

BTW - both of my girls have smiled at me for the first time in the last two days. They are growing so fast! I need to order some blank clothes from Dharma Trading to paint/stamp/print/dye up for a summer of growth for all of us!!!

Dana Cordelia

2006-06-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

DSCN0715
Originally uploaded by Bingham-McLaughlin.

Dana's nickname is Monkey, and boy o boy, has she earned it. It started out because she looked like a baby monkey when she was born and made really cute monkey noises, but now it is because she is full of mischief (don't let those baby blues fool you!)

She is an UBER drama queen, and makes a ruckus over darned near anything. A little smaller than her sister, she eats like a horse, trying to catch up. BTW - that is breast milk in the bottle - neither girl nurses very well, and we just haven't had the energy to work on it, so I am still pumping breast milk for them to take in bottles. At least this way Dad Kevin can feed them (like in the picture) and I can *sleep*!

Dana has a toy hippo, lots of dark hair, and a mighty fine set of lungs. Don't ask me how I know.... just trust me and everyone who lives within a 3-mile radius of our house.

Rowyn Eliza

2006-06-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

DSCN0684
Originally uploaded by Bingham-McLaughlin.

This is one of our pair of much favored Pooh Suits. We .LIKE Pooh Suits, but we do NOT like Poo Pants. Understand?

Rowyn's nickname is Little Lady Love. She finds that many things offend her delicate sensibilities, including her own sneezes. She makes the most lovely moue of distate, sighs in exasperation, and even has her very own demure cry of outrage. Since she is such a Princess and the Pea type (although very easy going, in general) she got Froggy for a friend (Frog Prince, ok? Not much sleep, ok????)

Forggy is about 4 inches long, if you want scale. This picture was taken when she was about 4-5 weeks old, but she looks just the same, just bigger - about 10 lbs now!

Pictures of Babies, as promised

2006-06-08T12:45:00.000-05:00

DSCN0518
Originally uploaded by Bingham-McLaughlin.

Me, April 13, 2006. Huge, as you can see. I went in for a regular OB appointment only to find out that -wham- I had developed preeclampsia, and needed to have a C-section that very day. The girls were delivered at 11 PM that night.

The blue belt shows the contraction monitor, and pink belts show the girls's heart rates - Beck/Rowyn on the bottom, and Call/Dana on the top.

See the stretch marks? Tip of the iceberg!

Ack!

2006-06-08T11:56:00.000-05:00

A) Please don't bump me! I'm blogging, I'm blogging! Having this void to fill urges me into the studio and keeps my brain thinking ART and not just BABIES 24/7.

B) How the heck do I post pictures again!?!?! I swear, once I figure this out again, I need to make a post giving myself directions so I can read it next time I forget. Make sense? I sure hope so...

Art update:
* got silkscreening stuff for Mother's Day, and plan to get block printing stuff too
* have tentative plans to play with above with VT Art Quilters this summer, in my studio
* above playdate ensures that the Great Studio Cleanout Project continues (so far all of my painting supplies and dyes have found baby-proof homes! Hurray!)
* I'm thinking of a colaborative dye project with my daughter Dana - paint and spit-up. What do you think? %)

Announcing....

2006-05-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

Rowyn Eliza and Dana Cordelia, born 11:04 and 11:05 PM respectively on Thursday, April 13, 2006. Rowyn spent a few days in the NICU, but both girls came home with their Dad and I on the following Tuesday, and all is well, despite the emergency C-section for rapid-onset pre-eclampsia that brought them at 37 weeks and 4 days gestation. Rowyn weighed in at 5 lbs 12 oz, and Dana at a respectable 5 lbs 3 oz. Our girls are big and strong, and getting bigger every day!

They are completely different from each other, and each infinitely wonderous to behold. I'll post pictures as soon as I get back onto my own computer and remember how to do so!

The girls have their first art project this weekend - hand and foot stamp thank you cards to send to all of their loving family and friends. I suppose that means that I'll have to scan one in, so all of you who have written and checked-in with your support over the months - you KNOW how much I appreciate you all!

In other art news, the girls are my new biggest fans - I put pieces of Mending Broken Dishes in their bassinet with them, and they stare at them for hours (white, fuschia and purple in high contrast). I think I'll have to wait a few months to hear what their comments are, but that is ok with me. :)

Meanwhile, I have had a whopping 3 showers in their 3+ weeks of life, have no appetite, and have lost well over 60 lbs between fluids and not eating, so I am exhausted, but looking great (at least from the neck down, and excepting my midsection; stretch mark city!) - back under my pre-pregnancy weight already!

Pictures soon, I promise. Even thinking about introducing my Mother in Law, Linda, to the wonders of fabric painting while she is here from Germany to help us out...

Spring has sprung, and my heart is in bloom...

Or.... Not.

2006-04-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

They still aren't here yet, actually. It has just been crazy here, but the girls still haven't made their grand entrances. I WILL let you know when they do, but, meanwhile, I am 37 weeks today, bigger than a house, none too happy about it, and awaiting a scheduled C section for the 18th if I don't go into labor first.

Talk to you soon!

Long and Short

2006-03-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

BRIEF update -

34 weeks tomorrow. Literally ANY day now.

Off Methadone (manic narcolepsy and massive itching is NOT a good thing)

On Oxycontin (not working as well on pain, but no longer psycho, so good all around)

Survived 34th Birthday yesterday, despite false alarm trip to Labor and Delivery - Kevin made sugar-free cake and frosting from SCRATCH. Chocolate, natch. Joy.

Spring starts this week, and I couldn't be happier.

Storing up on sleep since that any DAY now could just as easily be any NIGHT now.

Actually making headway on the sweaters, so maybe my girls won't be coming home nekid.

Missing you all like crazy, and thankful for your thoughts and well wishes. You rock!

Update

2006-03-02T17:38:00.000-05:00

Hi folks -

I'll be 32 weeks pregnant with the girls this coming Sunday, and am now gearing up for 34 weeks, or right around the Equinox. 32 was a MAJOR milestone for me, and 34 is no different, but with my pain levels (and resultant narcotics use) doubling every few days, two more weeks sounds like an eternity.

Ah well. The girls should be about 4.5 lbs by this time next week, and every day I make it though makes their chances of being 100% A-ok that much better, so I am just taking it one day at a time, and using every trick in the book to not go crazy with it all.

That all said, I have been 1 cm dilated for a week and a half, and we never know when this show is going to get on the road all by itself. Trouble with that is that both girls are lying sideways across my uterus (stacked like cordwood!) so I CAN'T have them vaginally at this point, unless they both move A LOT.

Anyway, thanks for the ongoing support - I really appreciate you all! More news when two criteria are met: a) that I have any new news to impart, and b) when I have the brain, body and presence of mind to actually report any of it at the same time.

Enjoy! Spring is almost here!

Knuckle Cracking

2006-01-25T13:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like I have a studio-away-from-home ahead of me this weekend - Mrs Good wants me to finish her quilt for her before she dies. All it needs is quilting and binding, and I'll do the first and my mother the latter (since it takes me FOREVER and she just doesn't have that long), and I hope to get it done in the 36 hours that I am in Boston this weekend. Apparently it is the matching quilt to one that she made for her husband, but this one is for her. I have no idea what she intends for it when she passes, but she wants it done, so it is going to get done, even if I have to do it all in 10 minute stretches 'cus the girls won't let me sit up for longer.

And I am pretty sure it is her only UFO. If I get a death warrant anytime soon, expect my dear husband to take out ads on billboards across the nation trying to get enough folks together to finish all of my drek...

Actually, I am being inspired. Mrs Good used to do a lot of sashiko sitting in front of the tv, and I'm thinking that some might be just the ticket for whiling away some bedrest - not anal, and goes fast, plus you can actually SEE it when you are done, so it makes it feel worthwhile to do in the first place... So, now I'm concocting a simple plain block pattern baby quilt just to be adorned with such easy-to-do-in-bed stitchery... I'll let you know how the processing goes.

Meanwhile, I felt the girls wiggles for the first time this last weekend, and now it feels like a constant earthquake in my belly! Comfort is officially an utopian dream, and sleep is quickly arriving at that status. I have now put on more weight (at 26+ weeks) than my mother put on her entire pregnancy with me, so from here out I can say fooey to her 'when-I-was-pregnant-with-you' stories. Hurray!

Ah well - back to bed for me - my 10 minutes are up! Enjoy!

Good and terrible news

2006-01-18T19:27:00.000-05:00

The girls are doing grand, and have put on 3/4 lb each in the last 4 weeks - they are up to 1 lb 12 oz each now! We saw Call yawning, and lo and behold, the girls are in the same spots they were in just before Christmas - Beck head down and facing my right side although her body is on my left, and Call still sprawled across the top, face down with head on the left. I am actually starting to believe that the girls might actually stay in there until they can come out without too many problems - good thing too, since I hear that NICU bills for twins can run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars (I shiver to think what we'd do without good insurance!)

And, hold on to your hats ladies, I actually did something CREATIVE yesterday - not just rote sewing, or slopping paint around, but planned and executed ART. I love mosaics, and am playing around with mosaic quilts. Yes, I know the cat one that won so many prizes a few years back, but I mean the WHOLE THING, not just the subject, but the background too, and I'm thinking of how to use variable backings as different 'grouts' as well. The subject of my current piece (still being worked out in construction paper) is the communication between my girls in utero. I hope to work on it more soon (although it really is tedious), and will post pics when I do.

In other crappy news, my dear mother-fiugre of 28 years, Barbara Ann Powell Good, has had a turn for the worse, and is officially dying of pancreatic cancer. Hospice starts tomorrow, and they think she has 2-3 weeks. Kevin and I weren't going to go down again until after the babies are here, but now we have two trips to take - one to say goodbye, and another for her funeral, when it comes. I would have liked to have had a peaceful last trimester, but more important now is that she has peace around the idea of and during her actual passing. If any of you are the praying/meditating/sending thoughts out to the universe types, I would have enormously more peace in MY life if I knew that you were thinking of her having more peace as she ends hers. So, if your thoughts might wend that way, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Happy Anniversary to Us

2006-01-16T18:58:00.000-05:00

Cince no one is reading my ramblings any more now that they know that I am not dead, I will self-gratuitously sing Happy Anniversary ( a la the Animaniacs) to myself and my husband of a whopping one year, Kevin.

We spent the entire day in bed, which was lovely, but not in the way y'all think - phone calls from well-wishing friends every half hour, Kevin sick as a dog with a head cold, and the girls *seriously* tyring to get in on the party they figured we'd be having. Or not. I'm currently trying to cook up the salmnon that Kevin left marinating earlier, so tht we can actually have some semblance of an anniversary dinner before we try to poison ourselves with year old raspberry torte.

Our presents to each other were ideas yet to be executed: a framed copy of our vows to hang in our bedroom (my idea) and before and after birth formal pictures of our growing family (Kevin's plan). Ain't that sweet?

And last night, before we both felt crap, we went to B&N and got me the new 400 pieces from the Dairy Barn to drool over, and then went out to Friendly's for Sundaes. Yum.

Gotta love an anniversary that is completely screwed up and wonderful anyway. :)

Meme me!

2006-01-13T12:54:00.000-05:00

It is just as well that no one has sent me the on the 4 Meme, since I HATE chain letters (that bad luck if you don't pass it thing bugs me incredibly), and since my brain functions and posting have both been sporadic at best. That said, I am cruising through AQ blogs today, and keep seeing this Meme, so I thought I'd jump on board too... (see? I can *pretend* that I am still cool instead of just still cooling my heels!)

Also, since I am not 'officially' in the Meme, I can make up my own questions, no? Heh heh heh...

4 jobs that I have had THAT I GOT PAID MONEY FOR:
- physical therapy office receptionist
- HS biology teacher
- calligrapher
- print advertising sales

4 jobs that I have had that PAID IN SELF-SATISFACTION:
- teaching sign language to developmentally disabled adults for a performance piece
- running a Pagan community here in Vermont (and no, I'm not a witch)
- peer counselor to others with disablity issues
- sitting on my butt gestating babies - my current and far away most important job

4 movies I could watch over and over again:
- A Philadepthia Story or anything else with Katherine Hepburn in it
- Some Kind of Wonderful - the ultimate tomboy's chick-flick
- Dangerous Beauty - sex, brainy banter, and cool costumes. How can you do better?
- The Princess Bride - wait, I HAVE watched that one over and over again... :)

4 places that I have lived:
- Boston, MA (where I grew up)
- Providence, RI (where I went to RISD)
- Burlington, VT (where I went to Trinity and UVM and have lived since)
- Wiltshire, England (where I have spent years if you add up all my visits)

4 TV shows I watch regularly:
- Surface, Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis - since my husband has them on anyway
- Firefly - since WAY before it became trendy. I'm buying the series on DVD.
- CSI (original of course) - in reruns since I can't stay up that late anymore
- pretty much anything on the Discovery Health or History channels

4 places I have been on vacation:
- Isle of Skye, Scotland (where I stayed on a croft and talked to cows)
- rainy but still gay Paris (museum hopping when I was 14 and actually spoke French)
- both Norway and Iceland (textiles AND Vikings AND natural gorgeousness - WOW!)
- Temegami, Ontario (with Earthwatch, working on old growth red and white pines forests)

4 websites I visit everyday:
- Fibermania (sort of daily worship, really)
- Sonji Says (because she is just the coolest chick *ever*)
- PaMdora's Box (because her life and her art are both facinating and fun)
- Twin Shock (because I need to get ready and attitude is everything)

4 favorite foods BEFORE PREGNANCY:
- pancakes with real VT maple syrup
- anything uber-chocolaty with no nuts, since I am allergic and don't want to die
- stuffed shells with meat sauce and tons of cheese
- Taco Bell quesadillas (please don't hurt me, Mrs Mel!)

4 favorite food SINCE I GOT PREGNANT WITH TWINS:
- steak - must rip flesh with my teeth daily
- eggnog - just enough fat to help me reach my weight gain goals
- Cabot's uber-sharp Hunter's Cheddar cheese
- granola bars sans nuts

Favorite beverage before, during and after *anything*
- skim milk, by the gallon!

4 places I'd rather BE:
- a way tidier and better repaired and prepared house
- somewhere all on one floor with no steps to climb
- a bigger bed (Quess isn't big enough for 4 people and two cats!)
- closer to Mrs Good so I could visit her more :(

4 things I'd rather be DOING (but my body, pregnancy or circumstances won't let me):
- anything for the Peacecorps or the CDC
- anything related to my art
- anything that comes without paperwork
- sailing the SW coast of England with my husband on a lovely summer day

4 albums I can't live without: (not that I play them often, but need them when I need them)
- my natural sounds CDs - best way to relax
- Eastern Odyssey (2 CD set) - great music to create and work to
- Tori Amos "Little Earthquakes" for when I need to shout the lyrics in a bitter mood
- They Might Be Giants "Flood" for when I have to drive all night, or just need to let off steam

4 people who don't deserve to live and die the way they are going to:
- my aunt Betty with Huntington's Chorea
- Mrs Good with pancreatic cancer
- my cousin Bill with ALS/Lou Gherig's
- anyone who dies for lack of food in a world full of MacDonald's

(cheerier) 4 names we are considering for our girls:
- Cordelia - my middle name and a must-have family name (I'm the 9th one!)
- Lyn, Lynn, Llyn or some version thereof, for my mother CaroLYN and his mom LINda
- Rebecca - for our little Beck, even though it means "noose"
- Joyce - family name on my husband's side, and way better than all the Welsh ones!

4 things I want for my girls in their lifetimes:
- good, honest, lifelong friends
- the guts to try things and the brains to try the *right* things
- healthy inner children who they play with often
- peace and passion, in equal measure

Frownie Face

2006-01-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

This has been a long week, but ART HAS HAPPENED!

First, the good stuff
- the babies are great and officially viable! Hurray!
- I just did another 4 blocks in the studio and even tidied a smidgen
- I slept well, and even had pregnancy-induced kinky dreams }:)
- Kevin brought me a honey-dipped donut for breakfast again - Hap Cakes around here
- I got up meaning to paint those onesies all sorts of tealy/limey blue/yellow/greens
- it is sunny out, and everyone that I love knows it.

Then, the not so good stuff
- HARD contractions twice an hour ad nauseum
- I couldn't find the onesies to paint them (might still be in the car)
- I am out of steak to rip with my teeth
- my health insurance case worker is on my butt to apply for kid insurance
- my Dad perceives such state-supported insurance as 'not-for-HIS-grandchildren'
- I am stuck in that anxious/bored-out-of-my-mind part of my pregnancy
- we still have the to-do list from HECK before the girls come
- my case worker said they could come anytime now! Yikes!
- I keep finding myself doing the frownie face thing for no apparent reason

And, monstrously worse than anything, my dear, dear friend/other Mom, Barbara Good, just got the news that her chemo has stopped working, and that her pancreatic tumor on her liver has grown too much to do anything with. Everyone is now talking 'quality of life issues' and Kevin and I are madly trying to work out when we can go to Boston to see her again. She came to my shower, but a)she was exhausted and b)I thought I'd see her the next day when I visited, but when I got there I spoke only with her husband as she had gone to bed. I am NOT satisfied with the last time I see her being a peck on the cheek on her way out the door.

So, her cancer and my babies permitting, Kevin and I are going to go down about 4 weeks from now, when we can also pick up my Mom for her whirlwind make-the-house-ready-for-babies trip. If either my pregnancy or her prognosis looks bad though, we'll go earlier, and convenient pick-up for Mom be damned.

I think this is all hitting me WAY harder than normal because a) I'm a hormonal pregnant lady, for pete's sake, and b) because I am very much in a 'link the generations' mode, what with having babies and all. This frownie face thing is bugging me too - brand new last week, ever present, and NOT the face I want my baby girls to get familiar with!!!!!

One day in front of the next, and smile every chance I get. Kevin is going to clean out the garage this weekend (yes, in January, in Vermont. Don't ask.), while I fold mountains of laundry. Frighteningly, the garage is a huge job, and I think that Mt. Laundry is its equal.

Plus, we get to drop by one of our SCA (medieval reenactment) thingies, and show off my big belly to all sorts of folks who don't even know that we are expecting yet. That part should be fun, especially since it is only about a mile away, so I can come home and fold myself into bed if I get too tired.

Funny the things that please me now - 4 little patches for a trad quilt, a bed to fall into, and rubbing the furrow off my forehead. Simple minds, simple pleasures...

Now if only SONJI would start posting again!!!!! ;)

Wednesday already...

2006-01-11T12:56:00.000-05:00

And I still haven't reported in on my baby shower in Boston last weekend (kind of wore me out) - it was lovely! I was a little nervous at first at seeing such a varied group of my mostly my Mother's friends, but once everyone arrived, I did a little introduction about each person, and that seemed to get folks laughing and comfy (who doesn't like hearing nice things about themselves, eh?) and, most importantly, chatty.

I didn't get to eat a bite until the very end, when I was chatting with my old friend Jen (Hi Jen!) and introducing her to my husband. We spent about 9 million hours together as kids, but I hadn't seen her in at least 15 years. I have suggested that she look at this webring and into blogging as an idea for getting connected and advertised herself - she was an AMAZING artist when we were kids, and I certainly can't imagine that she hasn't surpassed herself a dozen times over since then. She is working mostly in pencil drawing and logo design right now, and when she DOES get a blog, I'm sure she'll let us all know so we can go visit and give her a warm blogging welcome, RIGHT JEN???!!!! >:)

Anyway, the loot was Pirate worthy. I have never seen so many tiny matching outfits! Pink was in evidence, but not overwhelmingly so, thank goodness! A few outfits were saccharin enough to give me a toothache, but I'm sure that I'll have days when they seem perfect on my little angels. (Please make me stop before I make myself sick though, ok? That 'little angels' thing? WAY over the top for me...) So, the upshot is that we are going to have the best dressed babies in Burlington, if not the whole state. Add in the bibs, blankets, and boppies, and, pas d'accord the pack and play, and our girls are well on their way to being set for life.

Jen, artiste that she is, even gave us 10 pristine white onesies, size 6-9 months. Hm. Like ANYTHING is going to stay white during my summer fabric painting spree, which, gee shucks, hopefully falls right around the time my girls might be needing said size onesies. Art AND babies, all in one shot. Joy, Joy, Joy! Tie-dyed, watercolored, appliqued babies, here I come!!! Might not be what you expected Jen, but it was the first thing to cross my mind when I openned them, other than 'practical present - hurray!!' - thanks twice over! And yes, ladies, I promise to show you my Done Over Onesies when we get to summer, ok?

In the meantime (the sun being WAY too low to dry fabric before it bleeds all over hell if I tried to paint now) I've redesigned the quilts for my friend's twins, and have even picked out some fabric to start one for - gasp - my OWN girls. I also got a magnetic quilt set over the weekend from my mom - 1000 colored triagular tiles to play with on a magnetic surface - just the thing for a fatigued brain on bedrest! I'll try and take a picture of it in the next few days to show you all. Other than that though, I am just laying low, and watching my belly grow a little more with every passing day. They could technically be here anytime now, but we hope to keep them in until March, so I'm watching days on the calendar, and am enjoying every bit of sleep and down time that I get. More news as I have it, ladies - enjoy!

Blog Heaven

2006-01-06T09:35:00.000-05:00

I just went and read a couple of QA Digests, and, I gotta say it, I don't really feel like I have missed all that much in the months I have been away from it - I get what I need (and then some!) from these great blogs!

Obviously the list has its purposes, like supply info and shows and such, but for the day to day 'make-me-want-to-get-into-the-studio' I have YOU FOLKS! Hurray for the QA webring!!!! I'll be seriously evil and even say that I sometimes just scroll down a blog looking for pictures of cool art to bathe my brain in - VERY therapeutic!

Anyway, I'm off to Boston for the shower my Mum is throwing the girls and I - I'll undoubtedly be openning lots of PINK (gack!) but most babies *do* look good in it, so I'll be sinerely grateful anyway. Also? Cream puffs!!!!! Wahoo!

Baby Steps

2006-01-03T17:39:00.000-05:00

I actually went into the studio again this AM, and actually DID SOME WORK - real work, not just tidying (although I did some of that too!) - I ripped nasty old seams from the LAST time I tried to sew with baby brain (Oct? Nov?) and then got 4 squares done for one of the quilts for my friend's twins. Not like I have ANY time to make something for MY girls, mind you, since I still owe those 16 MONTH olds theirs, and only one of them is even 1/3 of the way to completion!

Ah well - I figure that working in small snatches of time is going to have to be the new modus operandi around here, so I'm thinking that I'll get in shape for it by taking 30 minutes a day and doing 4 blocks on this quilt. I *was* going to set the blocks right next to each other, but, well, the quilts won't be very big if I do that, AND (much more importantly, honestly,) I'd have to match all those points, SO - nice wide sashing strips have been added to the design, provided that my backing fabrics are big enough to accomodate the change. MUCH easier on my time and my sanity, and it might actually get this one DONE so I can start the OTHER one!

Meanwhile, I need to start listening to NPR again, if for no other reason than I need to knit and spin! I have six pieces of baby sweater to make before my girls are due to come home, and my MIL needs me to spin more boring black wool for the joint project sweater that she is knitting for my husband, Kevin. I need to order that from Halcyon, and try to make sure that I don't have TOO much left over as a) it's pricey, and b) it was BORING to spin - no flair, no panache, and I didn't even like the way it went through my fingers! Yeck! I also have to finish spinning up the tricolor mohair for my MIL (stupid plant matter in it requires way more time to pick out than actually spinning the stuff takes), and same MIL just sent a whole pound of yummy grassy/tealy/bluey-greens wool for me to spin as well - great colors, but not ones that I would wear... but we'll see - you never know until you see the yarn and swatch it up! (Hm... seed stitch does wonders...)

So, yeah - life is busy, but good. We are going to try and have everything ready to bo by March 5, my 32 week mark, and boy oh boy (or should I say girl oh girl?) do we have our work cut out for us! Wish me luck!

Zen? Ha!

2006-01-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

Well, my Week of Zen has become my week of Me against the Machine - Civ 4 at Noble level is just brutal. Actually, the focus that I use playing turn-based strategy games is very similar to that I get working out a quilting quandry - intense, immersive, and completely internal and relevant only to me. So - not SO bad really, but it doesn't sound as cool as saying that I spend my week in meditation and journalling. Oh well. "To thine own self be true." This week my Self seems to be wanting to crush Catherine the Great into a little ball of AI misery. I'm not the violent sort, but I DO take umbrage when folks start wars with me for no good reason other than that I am better than they are. >:)

2005 - my last year as a person responsible for only myself. The enormity of my impending parenthood is starting to weigh on me almost more than the girls themselves. I am really looking forward to their being here, but I DO enjoy my leisure, and two babies at one time just sounds like a lot of WORK. I know it will be great just as it is exhausting, but I am storing up as many long afternoons of snuggling up in bed reading for hours on end as I can, since I can, right now.

The 2+ maternity clothing idea has taken even better form lately - most moms of multiples are at least home from work by 28 weeks, and HUGE, if not just plain hospitalised by then or soon thereafter. So - the most needed, and undoubtedly appreciated item in the mom of multiples wardrobe? A bathrobe. The shiny one my Kevin got me for Christmas overlaps by about two inches at present, and I can't imagine that it will fit for long. Adding Xs to the size one buys won't help either, as then they are huge all over and just too wide in the back and shoulders to work comfortably. What is needed is for the back to be NORMAL, and the front to be HUGE - lots of room for overlap, without needing to pull it so far around that the armholes become nursing access! A small mailorder company off the web would work GREAT for this, and would make a fortune. Machine washable, easy to clean fabrics only please. Idea open to all and any takers, so run with it!

BTW - there isn't much in the world more lovely than morning sun on snow.

As for 2006 - if you are looking for adventure, or just to put your feet up, I hope you find what you are looking for, and never be bored along the way. Happy New Year!

business niche WIDE open

2005-12-30T13:35:00.000-05:00

If any of you sweet souls (five more comments! Love abounds!) are ever wanting to break into the clothing industry, PLEASE make twin/triplet maternity clothes. Most of us needing said items are older, wiser and richer (infertility is NOT a cheap diagnosis) and we can't find anything to wear! I have ONE pair of 'maternity' pants that still fit, and I am not even 5 months in yet! Only a pair of 2x sweats that I got cheap still fit (along with some self-made drawstrings!) - so I have NO idea what I am going to wear for the next several months, and can't even sit to the sewing machine to make myself anything! Why hasn't someone else done this, you ask? Because the only folks who know of the need have their hands full with too many babies to meet it for others!!! Anyway, you'd make a killing - trust me!

And, since you gals are so open about our real lives, I'll tell you something I haven't told most: My belly is offically bigger than my ass, hips included. Oi. (Not to mention other delightful aspects of pregnancy that I never read about in books - a line of dark hair crawiling up to my bra line, pubic hair on all sorts of heretofore nonhirsute real estate, and that my chest looks like a road map - huge blue highways and rivers coming form all quarters to plunge into the twin metropoli of my areaolas. I swear they are each bigger than MY mouth, let alone those of my wee babes!

Anyway, my point is this - I am revelling in my body right now. Grossly uncomfortable (and sometimes just plain gross), not to mention painful (both girls have thier heads on the same side, along with one body, so my belly button points off at about 1:30, I'm so lopsided), and I love it. I can't stop rubbing my belly, and not just to try and shove little girls to the East. I have been looking for picutes of pregnant models to draw from, and can't find any outside of Geddes work. I think I need to get Kevin to take some - blue rivers and all!

No cleaning today (sloth is a virtue when you are going to be a twin mom, or so my Dr keeps telling me), but I'm pouring lots of creative energy into figuring out how to share my queen size bed with my husband, my two girls, and two VERY large cats. I am trying NOT to go with the obvious; hurling them all out of the room, but sleep would be MUCH harder now if I weren't so dang tired all the time anyway!

As for maids and mothers - can't afford it, and lives to far away (and just got over shingles herself!) So - little bits here and there. Our living room is now in livable condition (for the first time in many months), and I'm even having company over today. Enjoy!

I feel so loved!

2005-12-29T11:57:00.000-05:00

TWO people actually read my last post in the first 24 hours - and even commented on it! You folks have real tenacity! Thank you!

For all of my old Partners in Clean, I took 20 minutes to get rid of trash and dishes yesterday, and 20 to just declutter today, and, while still not CLEAN (please don't look at my carpet), my living room is now a MUCH mentally-healthier place to be. Hurray! (Way better than trying to get my husband to do it too!)

My quiet day yesterday? Played Civ 4 and read some of the sequel to Simple Abundance, called Something More, by Sarah Ban Breathnach; all about grown-up authentic selves. I've been reading about passion, and have been itching to get into the studio, but clearing mental and physical clutter and knowing that I am lucky because at least I KNOW what I want to be doing, are all good things. Besides, most of the last few years, I have been throwing myself into my art since I couldn't throw myself into parenting yet- who knew I'd end up longing the other way?

Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled to be pregnant, but I also know that I am about to take a major leap in my life, and I want to make sure to pack up all of the really important parts of me for the journey. Some bits of me that I won't have tons of time for I won't mind leaving behind, but my artistically creative self? Heck no - first thing in my carry-on bag!!!

I think that the biggest thing that I got out of yesterday is that I am still just as much of an artist, even if I am not doing art right now. I am being an artist rather than doing art right now, that's all. But it is an ok thing, since I am a human being, and not a human doing anyway.

On the no-art for Christmas comment I made, my mother was surprised that no one got me the Caran D'ache watercolor crayons I asked for, and said she'd get them for me for my birthday in March. The idea that she's going to get me art supplies right around the time the babies could be here any minute was very validating for me - not that I needed it, but it is nice to know that she anticipates my doing art when the girls are small - maybe not much, but some is better than none!

Today's agenda? Cleaning and sleeping until noon? Check. Email, civ 4 and maybe some holiday cards until Kevin wakes up at 3:30? Sounds good. Going to the bookstore immediately thereafter to spend gift certificates and get a sequel that I NEED!?!? Heck yes!

My week of Zen Me

2005-12-28T11:14:00.000-05:00

Hi folks -

I certainly can't imagine that *anyone* is still checking this blog, but I hugely appreciate if you are!

My twin pregnancy has been the ever-growing center of my life for months now, and I have decided to take this next 10 days (before going BACK to Boston for my baby shower) to get some time in for ME and actually ignore (as best I can) my pregnancy for a while; Yes, I'll still take my meds and eat and lie down most of the time, but my mind? I hereby claim it back from Baby Brain for a bit!

But let's get the pregnancy news out of the way first, shall we? Then it will be said and can be PUT DOWN. I am 22.5 weeks preg with fraternal twin girls, both doing perfectly. I am enourmous (think 8 months instead of 4.5) and only have two pairs of pants that even begin to fit. My belly button is disappearing. I have put on 20+ lbs so far, which is perfect. I know most of the doctors on the Labor and Delivery floor by first name, since I have been up there with weird pains so often. Rolling over is a myth I once heard about, as is getting comfy.

My beloved Kevin got me a fabu-soft bathrobe for Christmas that I adore. I got none of the art related stuff on my Christmas list. I have done JACK ALL with textiles, other than trying to spin alpaca for my mother in law (can't sit up long enough to spin much) and knit up part of a baby sweater. Yikes. My sewing machine is just off limits, as I can't sit up to use it, and my attempt to do a silk painting for my aunt for Christmas failed when my brain forgot to gutta the edges too, to prevent bleeding. Oh well - she didn't deserve it anyway. >:)

So... I am going to take some of the pushki my mom gave me and get myself a subscription to QA. I think I need it arriving in my mail box to remind me that I am something other than a gestating machine. I am going to pick up a book on pastel drawing at Barns and Snowballs since I can do that with my belly as desk, and I like the idea of smudging stuff right now. I am GOING to do one of a) get my husband to CLEAN THIS DUMP UP, b) make a show of trying to do it myself so he gets the point that this is important to me so it won't get this disgusting again, or c) take more of my carefully hoarded pushki and hire a kid home on break to do some of it for me. I can't take it anymore! I can't really bend over, but I'll figure it out. Most of the stuff from knee to elbow height I have dealt with, but the floor? Grody to the max.

I plan to do some thinking and writing this week too - I haven't really journalled on my pregnancy yet, despite having worked so hard to get here. I feel like I owe it to MYSELF to document this transformation some. Likewise, I haven't done a tarot reading for myself in ages - no, I don't tell the future, I just look at what thoughts I am having now - very good for mindfulness work, and I am feeling a sore lack of that on anything other than a maternal level lately.

And why now? I was supposed to stay in Boston this whole time, so no one knows that I am home, I have no appointments scheduled, and snow always puts me in the mood for introspection. Also, I know that far too soon I will have precious few moments of quiet time to myself, let alone nice big chunks of them to spend as I please, rather than in a recovery coma.

So - it is lunch time now, then something 100% for my mental health, specifics as yet to be determined.

Best wishes to all - I miss your lives like crazy.

Ignorance

2005-10-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

I just logged on, read the news, and told my husband that Rosa Parks had died at 92.

"Who?"

I looked at him incredulously and said "Rosa Parks? Montgomery, Alabama? Wouldn't give her bus seat up to a white guy and got arrested, which got MLK to start that huge boycott and *start the civil rights movement?*" (Can you tell that the pitch of my voice was rising the whole time? Lol

He then told me that he had moved around a lot during HS and may have missed that part of American history.

I told him that we had pictures of her up in our classroom in *elementary school*.

He's never heard of her. Didn't even ring a bell when I retold him her story. He didn't even know what the initials in NAACP stood for, but he did know what the group was about.

-----

I get that VT is the whitest state in the country. I get that my husband moved around a lot growing up. But I don't get that schools here never celebrated Black History Month when we were all complaining, just 200 miles south in Boston, that Black History was everyone's history and ought to be incorporated throughout the year - not just dragged out for the shortest month of the year, not to mention one with a week long vaction during it.

Needless to say, I read him the entire article. I guess even 'educated' men didn't learn some things....

Testing, testing...

2005-10-24T10:48:00.000-05:00

My old, nice, dependable keyboard just bit the dust. The space bar doesn't work any more, at least not out on the edges where I hit it, with force, after every word. Sigh.

So - here is the new keyboard - same layout, but *NO WHERE NEAR AS GOOD*. (No offence, little board, but you are following the wake of some *smooth* keystrokes...)

So, not that my posts have been frequent lately, but typing has gotten even more trying. Sigh. I *so* enjoyed having my fingers be able to type at the speed of my thoughts. No more.

At least for now.

Sigh.

Personality

2005-10-23T07:43:00.000-05:00

My husband is mocking my inability and gross unwillingness to roll over. Fooey on him.

I had a *really* long u/s on Tuesday (on a full bladder - wah!) that showed that everything is hunky dory! Baby A (Beck) is a camera hogging acrobat - never staying still. Baby B (Call) is a camera-shy slug-a-bed who want move even if you poke him or her. We saw perfect profiles on both (little noses and chins) and 10 little fingers on Beck.

Why Beck and Call? Say that to yourself for a minute... YUP - that is me - 24/7! Also, since the one we lost was lower in my uterus, that one would have been A, and these would have been B and C, so the nicknames sort of honor their missing sibling.

In other news, I have only puked twice in the last 4 days! Hurray! I am 13 weeks nnow, so my morning sickness is tapering off right on schedule. Hurray! The babies are perfect size and heart rate for age, so I am happy. We'll find out genders just after Turkey Day when they do a lvl 3 anatomical u/s just to make sure everything about their little bodies is good to go!

A change in the weather

2005-10-15T10:15:00.000-05:00

In addition to the copious amounts of rain pounding us this last week, I A) gained weight for the first time in my pregnancy thanks to Mom's cooking in Boston last weekend, and B) might actually be seeing the end of the morning-noon-and-night sickness that has been plaguing me for a month now! Hurray!

I will be 12 weeks prengnant in the next few days, so I am a third of the way through to seeing these guys born. Kevin is thinking about going back to work, and we are trying to find foods that take minimal prep for maximal nutrition and all around yumminess. Hopefully we are moving the futon today - (or rather I will supervise HIS moving of the futon) from its summer residence by the AC to its winter home by the heater and better light source. I'm just glad that it isn't colder out, or all of this rain could be SNOW! Yikes!

Studio? Art work? What are those? I colored most of a plate of the Human Brain coloring book the other day, and put a couple of stitches into my needlepoint this AM, but that is it. I haven't even been able to finish my post cards for heaven's sake! (But you WILL get them eventually - sorry for the tardiness!!!) Right now my creative and productive juices are going no farther than my uterus... good for the long haul, but boring in the short term! Daytime TV would be a complete bust without the numerous science channels we pay through the nose for...

"High Risk"

2005-10-07T06:56:00.000-05:00

That is the official term for my twin pregnancy since my medical record is in a BINDER now. Oh well. At least I really like my Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist, Dr Helen Feltovich. Now if I can just stop puking...

Sheep and Wool!!!!!!

2005-10-03T14:15:00.000-05:00

Not much going on here, but I thought I'd check in anyway, since some of you seem to still be reading along with my pregnancy induced woes...

Word to the wise: Don't get a nasty head cold when you have morning sickness. You'd think that the staggering lack of olfaction would help in the puking department, but I have two words for you: Post-nasal drip. Snot running down the back of one's throat is almost garunteed to trigger one's gag reflex, as does blowing one's nose. I puked about 30 times yesterday (can't take any of the good drugs pregnant!) after not puking AT ALL on Saturday (or so far today, for that matter, but let's not jinx me, ok?)

The timing of said cold was *perfect* however. That no puke Saturday I mentioned? VT Sheep and Wool festival. Melody would have made her man sell his bike to pay for the goodies - honest! Even my DH Kevin bought a bag of merino/silk blend in great turquoise and maroon blends to spin up. Yeah, you heard me - spin. There was plenty of ready to knit yarn there (in alpaca, angora, bamboo, wool - you name it) but I am WAY more of a spinner than a knitter (baby sweaters in progress notwithstanding) and was in *desperate* need of a drum carder. Anyone who knows what I am talking about will know the price tag associated with such marvelous devices. Anyone with no clue whatsoever will notice that I used the past tense when refering to my drum carder jones....

So... $304 dollars later (gulp) I am the proud owner of a drum carder. Now the $200 worth of dyed locks (from my pre-dying days) sitting in my closet can finally get carded and *fed to the machine*!!! Joy!

You KNOW that I had to get some natural white locks to dye myself too though, right? Another $20 there (which I thought was VERY restrained, since she had 4.5 lbs of *prewashed* Coopworth sitting there!!!), plus two rainbow dyed rovings for the twins ($10 each) and an ohmigodmustspin 8 oz ball of core-frosted alpaca (dark brown on the inside, white on the outside). YUMILICIOUSNESS at its blinkin finest. I justify it by thinking that I'll spin it up and give it to my mother in law for a Xmas present. She's a great knitter, see, and I *finally* finished the ohIhatetoworkfromtop black that I ordered from my dear cousin-in-law Halcyon last year that I am supposed to send to said mother in law for a sweater for said son/husband.

Halcyon's stuff is amazing, btw, if you haven't discovered her yet - she has this great "yarn store in a box" that is just stuckathomeonarainyday and needingafondle heaven. But I won't order top from her again. VERY nice, if you like top. I spin for relaxation, and don't find spinning top to be very relaxing, so... but it was black and available, so I got a pound of it from her. And it is FINALLY done, almost a year later. Talk about an albatross.

Which reminds me of Serenity. We went after sheep and wool on Sat, and it was probably too much for me, but I'm still glad we went. I am NOT happy with them though - great movie except for them killing off characters!!!!!!! The first death I understood - unfortunate, but ok. The second death spells the death of the ensemble dynmamic for me - talk about a key character! The only way they could have ticked me off more would have been to have killed off Kaylee (who has *aged* since the show - wowzers!)

Enough of my ramble - Kevin is going to give me a push around the block soon to enjoy the sunshine, and I am VERY much looking forward to it. Enjoy!

Unisom and good, but sad, news

2005-09-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

Unisom works even better than compazine (and no explosions at the *other* end, either!), and it works for about twice as long, so Unisom and Vitamin B6 it is!

Tuesdays are just my good days - two in a row I haven't puked, but come Wednesday...

Ah well - at least I am down to just a few times a day - not so bad when it was almost as many times as years in my age...

And, the little guy stopped growing a week and a half ago, and showed no heartbeat on yesterday's u/s. The twins look great though - perfect size for date, and matching heart rates of 167 bpm. I have been released from Reproductive Endocrinology, and am now officially a patient of Maternal Fetal Medicine. All these 10 dollar words for wanting the most normal thing in the world. Oh well.

I go today to my first twins club meeting - should be exciting/terrifying! Wish me luck!

Compazine and sherbert

2005-09-25T09:51:00.000-05:00

are my two new best friends. I am only taking in water based liquids (sherbert, broth, and jello), and must have puked at least 20 times yesterday. So - I called my Dr in desperation last night, and he prescribed Compazine. Ah... It has been over two hours since I last dry heaved, and I am actually able to get moderately comfy for the first time in ages. Hurray!

I'm NOT pushing my luck, and Kevin is still going to try and take a couple of weeks off to help me out - he needs more sleep, and I need more care. We just need to get over this hump... My next U/S is on Wednesday, and we'll know more then, so that will be good.

Meanwhile, I am exercising my brain with logic puzzles, weekend science shows, and inventing wild plants for my husband's computer game. They kill time, and the weeks are passing, one by one. I'm 9 weeks now, so hopefully this won't last much longer...

Mirabile dictu!

2005-09-21T18:24:00.000-05:00

I have NOT puked in two days, and I actually got into the studio for a couple of HOURS yesterday! I was working on a big piece of timtex to be cut up for some of the remaining postcards that I owe people, and the quilting has even begun on it, but I won't post a picture until I am ready to back and cut it - just to keep me honest.

I don't know which feels better, honestly - getting in the studio or getting OUT of the bathroom. Ah.... Add the flocks of geese soaring overhead and CSI premiere week to the mix, and I am one VERY happy camper!

You all are the BEST.

2005-09-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

I post about my pregnancy here a) to get to vent about stuff, and b) to justify to all of you (and maybe myself too) why art just is NOT happening right now (although I *have* started knitting a baby sweater).

That said, not only do you all keep reading my blather, but you actually *write back with your support* - I am just blown away. I knew that a couple of readers were trying to get pregnant themselves, and polite interest from them was sort of expected, but some of the letters (and the sheer volume of them!) that I have been getting are just so many hugs waiting for me in my mailbox each day.

You all are just SO sweet, and SO VERY, VERY appreciated. I thank you. :)

Sad but good news

2005-09-17T07:40:00.000-05:00

I had another u/s on Wednesday, and it showed three little guys - all the right size for age. Two of them look perfect - amniotic sacs like swimming pools, and heartrates in the 140's - right where they should be.

But the gap has opened even wider between the twins and 'the little guy' - the third embryo; his sac barely contains him, and his heartrate was in the very unhealthy 90's.

I'm glad that I got to meet him, but the Dr says that he is 99.9% certain that the little guy is on his way out. I have another u/s in 2 weeks to see if he has gone by then. If not, they think I should have him 'nudged along his way' so that a later miscarriage doesn't risk the twins' health. No fun. As much as I like having him around, I certainly hope that he goes on his own, so that I don't need to make such a horrible choice.

But, I am HUGELY relieved to be having only twins. I have two arms and two breasts, so twins is doable! I am almost 8 weeks in... so obviuosly it is still anyone's game, but I'm feeling better about things now...

In other news, my wheelchair arrived this week, and I actually get to go somewhere *other than the mall* this weekend. In fact, I am going to two different parks on two different days, so I am very excited (even better? I am going this AM *without* my husband. He is a complete peach, but the idea of actually going somewhere without him is almost intoxicating....)

Enjoy, folks, and Happy Harvest!

Morning sickness...

2005-09-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

... hit like a wall last night, and has been consuming my every thought and movement since. Sigh... At least I only have two more days until that all important 7 week ultrasound. Meanwhile, ginger ale, a wet washcloth, and getting up slowly are my bestest friends in the world (no offense meant, but you understand!) BTW - my hubby gets BIG bonus points for rubbing my back while I lost my breakfast this AM - he's a sweety.

Enjoy, and *please* continue to create and discuss lots of gorgeous art so I can live vicariously...

more than one?

2005-09-05T09:47:00.000-05:00

Ok folks, update time -

I might be pregnant with triplets. It is still WAY early (6 weeks tomorrow), so I may lose any or all of them, but last week's u/s showed three gestational sacs, two substantially bigger than the third. We are likely looking at twins.

I am hungry every couple hours, am still living on narcotics and sleeping , and I think morning sickness is edging its way into the scene. Blech.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know why I have dropped off the planet. I'll let you know what is going on as soon as I do...

My empathy is not fuel for your agenda

2005-09-03T08:31:00.000-05:00

I just received this comment to my below post within 5 minutes of posting it.

"Typical liberal response....symbolism ovr substance....

Why don't you send an abortionist down there and kill off all of those un-wanted black babies....

You are an idiot."

--
Posted by The Shadow to Quilt Art Quests and Quandries... at 9/03/2005 09:21:18 AM

Sigh.

There is an ENORMOUS difference between 'unwanted' and 'bad timing.'

If folks WANT to conceive during all of this, well then, power to them! I can see where such a wonderful blessing at this point would be very calming, and would convey a sense that life will go on, no matter what the devastation.

I can also see where it might be a headache some folks would rather avoid just now. I'm thinking about the folks who normally use birth control, and whom Katrina has taken it away from. They deserve to be able to make their choice too.

And none of this is even looking at STDs - lots of people are looking for whatever comfort they can find right now, and they shouldn't have to risk getting some horrible disease to get it.

And before anyone says that I am saying that 'poor black people have no self-control and are rutting like bunnies' - these people have been through hell, and anything that brings them some peace is a good thing, as long as it isn't hurting anyone. I would prefer if it didn't risk them getting hurt in the process - they don't deserve more pain.

___

I also feel for the person who felt that they needed to lambast me. Whatever they have dealt with that makes them assume that I am 'one of *those* people' is a travesty.

That said, it would be really nice if people would actually look at the intent behind a posting before deciding that it vallidates their own personal agendas - whether they agree or disagree with me. I am an independant thinker, and I rarely jump on *any* bandwagon; I am much more likely to discover that my own little soapbox fits in nicely with someone else's and enjoy their commeraderie, but I try very hard never to allow their voice to become mine.

If you don't like something that I have to say, please call me an idiot, but please do not insult me by saying that I have 'a typical liberal response.' Most of my views *are* very liberal, but they are, first and foremost, MY views, and not those spoonfed to me by some platform or other.

Also? Have the decency to leave an actual address to reply to - throwing statements out without making *any* provision for dialog is highly unlikely to ever solve anything.

Horrible thought

2005-09-03T07:55:00.000-05:00

The devastation of the Gulf Coast is much on my mind. I plan to get lots of diapers and things to the dropoff points here in Vermont to send to the South today when I am out (finally). Gas being what it is, I figured that diapers are a) pretty critical and b) relatively lightweight for the long trip.

I am very pleased to see that so many organizations are getting in there, and I look forward to being part of the effort. I've seen info on not just housepet rescue operations, but also on equine rescue work. I'm glad.

My horrible thought? When you have nothing except grief and frustration and thousands of people, I can imagine that sexual intimacy is one of the few things folks can do to relax, let off some stress, and feel close to each other when so many have been lost. And I bet most folks lost their birth control and STD-preventing condoms. I know that grief has lead me into some less-than-smart situations in my past, and I've NEVER been through what those folks are going through. Talk about short-term peace for long-term consequences.

Since it seems to me that those poor folks don't need any more long-term headaches at this point, and, at the same time, deserve all the peace they can get, I am going to throw a couple of boxes of condoms in with my donation today. Even if they only go to married couples, that will be great, since no one needs to be trying to rebuild their lives and build a baby at the same time, and I'm sincerely afraid that nine months from now folks lives are still going to be *very* disrupted. No one needs that.

And, as usual, I am behind on my AQ digests. I am going to read some of the recent ones today though, hoping that someone who knows how is going to run a fundraiser for Katrina victims. I may have many other sewing projects to finish, and I may have very limited energy at this point, but I WILL contribute my time, energy and prayers to this effort. Likewise, if anyone is coordinating getting quilts to the South, I'm in. In fact, I think I still have some small lovey size quilts left from a show I did years ago. They might go in the box today too... I'd be honored to have them provide some small comfort for a child who has been through hell this week, and has a long journey to wherever home may eventually be.

I'm a WHAT?!?!?

2005-08-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Ok, I am not into politics except when I play darts and need to imagine a target, and I really don't think that I am much like Honest Abe here, but the part that made me post this to all of you is the "you are an ASSASSINATION VICTIM" bit!!!! What the heck???

Trust me, I'm not worth the bullet. If you want to throw a nice chilled lemon pie at me though, that would a)be far more appropriate, and b) WAY yummier than eating lead.

Yes, I think that all the sweat I am producing is BOUND to interfere with good fusing results, but I AM going to work on my IS piece today. No excuses.

BTW - I am officially 5 weeks pregnant today, and the Salmon dinner (yup - so good it has to be capitalized) by candlelight and long snuggles thereafter that Kevin and I enjoyed last night were VERY nice. I don't like that our schedules are completely at odds with each other now, but having 'dates' again feels very pookie and nice.

I'm melting!!!!!

2005-08-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

Too darned hot and humid. Too many narcotics. Too much lovely company!! This is my lovely friend Cindy, who came and spent the day untangling my yarn, weaving on her little weavette thingy, and generally gossiping. Perfect company - I'm too out of it to focus on much, but my hands could gaily needlepoint and my brain happily blather, so all was good.And this is the gang - my lion Gunny, my turtle baby Tata, and their dear friend, Aunt Cindy's Blue Bear! They are snuggled up in a quilt made from scraps (some of them from Cindy in the first place) that Cindy played with when she was here last. Tata had a quilt, so Blue Bear wanted one too, and this is the result! Now if only I could count on my human children, when they get here, to play so nicely together and give me time for fiber dates with friends.... I should be so lucky!

Tonight is DH Kevin's night off, and, since we haven't really had any private time to celebrate my pregnancy (I had to tell him on the phone for heaven's sake, and then arrived home with my MOTHER!), he is making his *divine* salmon for dinner. Now if I can just nap, shower and be just medicated enough to enjoy it without being *too* out of it, all will be well with the world - as long as it *cools the heck down.*

At least we aren't our friend Salus - he flew to Houston to avoid being home when his house in the French Quarter flooded from Katrina. Yikes. Fingers crossed, my friend!

Advice needed...

2005-08-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

My dear friend Barbara is having twins (lots of those in my life, eh?) and only has one Christening gown in good shape. There *is* another heirloom gown - 80+ yr old linen, but it has gone yellow. Any ideas for an heirloom safe whitener?

Thanks in advance!

Growing...

2005-08-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Today is Tra's twins' birthday, so HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY KIRA AND AMELIA!!!!!

I am bummed that I can't go to their party, but driving and narcotics are NOT a good combination. Ah well. Maybe I will work on Kira's quilt more today to celebrate!

Anyway, I thought I'd show you all my progress on my IS piece, just so you know that I really *am* working on *something*!

Right now though, I am busy conquering the world (CIV3, at least until my meds kick in - I love being the Sumerians! Then, back to work!

Question for you...

2005-08-27T10:48:00.000-05:00

What do you all think about work that is 'about' something?

Not representational, not necessarily obvious, but which is brought out by a certain something in the artist's life...

Or not - something completely abstract and randomly generated - 100% open to interpretation, if you can get a handle on it to do so.

I'm thinking about my IS piece (the leaves are going great guns, btw) - it is definately 'about' something (something so personal, in fact, that I wonder if I can/should put a price tag on it), but I also really enjoyed just playing with the 'frames' in a very abstract sort of way.

Personally, I find it kind of hard to stick with a project that doesn't hold me emotionally, no matter how artistically interesting it is. Likewise, even a fairly boring traditional pattern (not that they all are, obviously) can really keep me motivated if I am doing it for someone special.

I *can* really stay with a piece that is technically new or interesting in some way, but I wonder how most folks manage their motivation on pieces that are going to be judged (not something I'm great about when it comes to personal expression) or for sale? Just curious...

Progress

2005-08-27T08:10:00.000-05:00

This is a *terrible* picture of my IS piece - *finally* in the works.

The ground cloth (painted weeks ago) is grey - for the neutral ground of my life. Superimposed on it are black and white squares and rectangles reflecting the good and difficult parts of my life healthwise - big white relatively healthy childhood, black brain infection, white recovery and rediscovery, black infertility. I've also added a mottled blue disk for my pregnancy, and a solid blue one for my own birth - blue being the color of potential for me... I'm madly cutting leaves now, to show the vine of my own growth through these phases, and I'm going to add smaller blue disks growing out of the vines, showing my personal creations - groups, ideas, etc, that have taken on lives of their own, as I have, and hopefully as my children will....

I'm really excited that this starting to come together - not in time for the judged bit of IS, but in time to make me happy, and the narcotics I'm on for the OHSS easier to deal with. All good.
This is an idea I was playing around with - not for my IS piece, but as a possible idea for future exploration. I do plan to use the 'frames' in my IS piece - I'm going to lay them over the vines to frame select portions of my life (maybe with tulle in them - not sure yet), but obviously not so that they cover the mottle blue disk representing my growing bean! (Gotta love having a blog to document the transient idea in though - more accurate and accessible than my plethora of disorganized sketch books).

And, last but not least, what I have been working on most of this week in the 20 minutes of lucidity afforded me by huge quantitites of oxycodone - Kira's quilt. It is the twins' (Kira and Amelia) 1st birthday tomorrow, and I want to at least have it 'envisionalbe' for then so I can send a picture to their mom, my dear friend Tra. I bought the really cool mottled peach fabric, and dyed the other salmon one to correspond, and I am very happy with it so far. I am also enjoying the ease of piecing with a 1/4" foot. A first for me, and WOW is it easier! Talk about doing things the hard way - never again!!!!

My visit to the Dr yesterday means that I am NOT being admitted for treatment of my OHSS, since it seems to be resolving on its own. Hurray! I have ovaries the size of saucers, and a 4" cyst in one, and they are floating around in lots of extraneous fluid, but I can actually see my waist today, so I'm happy. He said that he was sorry that I was feeling 'yucky', but I responded that I am pretty used to feeling that way, and I don't mind it nearly so much when it is actually accomplishing something - like growing my baby!!!!!!

I have an ultrasound in two weeks to see how many beans are growing, and where they are, then they officially kick me over to obstetrics. I am VERY excited! I'm also finally sleeping better (since it no longer hurts to rotate or bend at the waist), which always helps.

BTW - the IS exhibit is shaping up to be *awesome* - the work that I've seen so far is very moving - both artisically and psychologically. I love being part of a community where we can really *share* all of this stuff and feel supported in it... Thanks for being such a gracious and compassionate audience!

Fall is in the air

2005-08-26T06:53:00.000-05:00

Melody wrote about the signs of the arrival of fall in her life...

Personally, I love it.
Falling asleep to crickets and waking up to geese.
Having long, leisurely morning light in my studio at a more respectable hour.
Everyone back at school so I don't have to hear the dang blasted ice cream truck for much longer.
Everyone *else* back on a schedule, so no one calls wanting me to change/make plans at the drop of a pin.
Getting to snuggle up with a good book and my blankets and loveys and while away the afternoon.
Actually *enjoying* ironing, since it no longer makes the studio into a sauna.
Having my ice cream stay solid while I eat it.
New CSI episodes coming soon.
Dodging getting morning sickness in the heat by only a week or two - yipee!
Apple pie season is coming, and I will actually have time to bake some.
Most of my cold weather clothes are baggy, so I won't need to buy/borrow any new ones for most of my pregnancy.
It is getting cool enough to spin again! Yeah! (I don't know how sheep stand July.)

Not bad, eh? Yeah, I miss the warm breezes, and I only got swimming in the lake once this summer (pa the tic), but snuggling is a favorite pasttime of mine, so I'm not *really* complaining.

I am, however, wondering if I should try and work this fall. For the last two years (in theory) I have worked for an afterschool program at the local elementary - arts, sign language, homework help, etc. I took a medical leave last November that lasted the rest of the year. I figure that I *could* work this fall, and then take the Spring sememster off (bad weather, ungainly belly, and hopefully not bedrest), but I am wondering if I am ready/willing/able to teach this fall. It would only be about 5 hours a week, but it is just amazing how so few hours can really make you schedule one's whole life, and I'm sort of enjoying/needing to follow only the directions of my body right now.

We'll see. I'm in no shape to do it atm, and I have no idea how this whole pregnancy thing is going to work out, so I think I need to take it one day at a time - no commitments, except to my self, my child and my family! (As if that isn't enough already!)

Oh, for Potter's sake....

2005-08-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

*I* (bats eyelashes innocently) am supposed to be like those... hooligans!?!?!?

Yeah, ok. I may have gotten detention on occaision, but I would NEVER take advantage of my younger peers by testing Puking Pastilles and Nosebleed Nougat on them! Sheesh! I have scruples, darn it! The out-going, friendly bit, sure, but NOT their moral compass!!! Oi! I'm much more of a Hermione in that department.

Narcotics suck. I mean, they do a really good job on pain and all, but I'd really kind of like my brain back, please! At least my body seems to have decided that it doesn't need to send me an itching attack every time I take one now though, so thank heavens for small mercies!

I *should* be working on my IS piece, but it is in a fussy bit, and I don't trust my brain to get it right. Instead, I have been continuing to piece the first of the two quilts for the girls, and am even * more * pleased with the fabric that I dyed to coordinate than I was before assembly. These are going to look FABULOUS, and NO - that is not me oxycodone-goggling! Sheesh! Although I DO have to say that Phish Food frozen yogurt has never tasted so good, and that really IS saying something, so maybe I shouldn't get too excited yet.... Hm. Back to sleep for me.... Oh well. Enjoy, and thanks for all the well-wishing! You all are the BESTEST!!!

NO Partners in Clean this week

2005-08-23T10:15:00.000-05:00

Want to hear my excuse? I'm sleeping every minute I can because I am itching too much to sleep. I am itching as a side effect of my narcotics. I am taking narcotics because my abdominal cavity is full of fluid and really #$# painful, something called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). I have OHSS because (insert drumroll here --->>> I'm pregnant! 4 weeks today, by all counts, and, thankfully, I managed to duck needing hospitalization for my OHSS. NOT how I wanted to start my pregnancy, but **at least I get to start it at all!!!**

Anyway, just wanted to share. I only got pictures of the garden this weekend in Western MA, but those can wait until tomorrow. Now I need to go sleep.

Enjoy!!!

+10000 steps a week

2005-08-16T16:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know the idea is to walk a total of 10000 steps a DAY, but I am only counting the ones that are deliberately walk related. Since Sunday I have done 4280 additional steps, and that isn't even counting our Borders trip last night. Not bad for a start, but WOW am I out of shape. Between being pretty much housebound all winter, having a miscarriage in May, and then having my usually very active job fall through this summer, I haven't done much, and it *shows*.

I am wanting to be in better shape for pregnancy and childbirth, so I've started trying to rebuild strength and stamina - deep knee bends and getting out each day help! I even went by a Curves today, but a) the lady was really bitchy, b) I don't think that I could get up and down from a chair every thirty seconds for half an hour, let alone do anything in between, and c) did I mention that the lady was a bitch? I'm thinking that if I need to do something more formal, I'd be better off at a rehab gym. A longer drive, but adaptable to where my body is that day, and with staff that might actually know something about fibromyalgia and exercise during pregnancy. Meanwhile, I'm going to see if I can borrow my Mom's exercise bike again. I crank the resistance down *really* low and just go for movement, but it helps tons anyway.

Aside from my outings though, I haven't been spending much time in the studio - my abdomen is just too sore (hopefully implantation cramping!) to sit up for long - my computer time and bits of sewing and ironing here and there is about all I am managing this week.

And even if this week is sort of a bust in the studio, and even if I am in the worst shape of my life (I've been laid up worse, but not for so darned long before - basically since October 2004), I HAVE gotten lots accomplished on a personal level - my artistic work has made huge leaps and jumps out of bounds, and I have been doing lots of much-needed psychological processing. Not at all a wasted summer.

That said, my plans for fall are much more frugal - be/get pregnant, work on getting my house, my head and my body in shape, and hopefully do more art and teaching on the way. I'm happy with the progress that has been made so far, but there is always room for improvement!

BTW - I am spending the weekend in Western Mass with family, so I'll have lots of gorgeous pictures to share next week. Promise. Mea culpa that I forgot to take my camera to the lake for our walk today. Sorry!

Weird Quilt Wannabe

2005-08-15T18:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this project has had way too many ideas thrown at it, and little execution that I actually liked. The finished idea isn't done yet, but also gonna-post-it-to-the-world interesting, so I didn't rush it. I *will* finish it, and post it here in obscurity, but that is it.

My dear friend Barbara is pregnant with fraternal twins, and just spent the weekend in the hospital bleeding with a possible partial placental abruption. She is only 20 weeks pregnant. Oi. 40 weeks doesn't honestly sound like that long a time, but WOW can lots go on during it. I get to find out if *I* in week four or not next weekend, and then whole new barrels of worry and excitement may come rolling in. Yippee! :\

Partners in Clean: Week 5

2005-08-15T07:50:00.000-05:00

I'm figuring that once a month I should focus my energies on something different; this week it is my sanity. Hormones are, as we know, *not* very kind in this department. I've also been noticing the season's wane here in Vermont - dark by 9 PM, wet grass every morning and crickets galore.

What do these two things add up to? I need to get the heck out of my house more. When I'm in a funky, narfy mood, tend not to leave the house. At all. Not good.

So - I'm going to try and build a sanity habit this week - get out of the house at least 6 days a week. Better for my sanity, my health, and, yes, my organization. Eh? Who many errands do I have that need running, but never get done? The bank, the bookstore, the market. Yeah, food is an errand I put off, and fabric stores can get me out every time. Go figure. ;) Six days a week is my goal - my body is not always up to going out. We'll see how it goes.

So - yesterday I went to the mall and got my new bra (see last post), and today I am going to the market to buy supplies for friends coming to tea (yes, I live in the US, but tea fits our schedule today) and tomorrow? No idea. It will come to me.

One caveat to all of this? I live 2 miles from downtown, so running my errands one at a time isn't hard on the gas tank. I also consider walks around the block or even gardening (heaven forbid) as getting out of the house. When I have errands to do more than 10 minutes away, I will stack them so I don't waste gas, money and time.

BTW - the maintaining my order thing is going... ok. It could be better. At least Kevin is making our bed when he gets out of it at 3 PM, so I get to look at tidy there. I'll keep working on it.

A Bra story (and IS detours)

2005-08-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

Ok - I've been on fertility meds for 2.5 years now, but hadn't needed to buy a new bra until now. I often didn't wear one at all in fact, but other times I needed to sleep in a sports bra because my breasts hurt so badly. That has been the case recently, and discovering that the only bra-like thing that I had that would a) fit and b) was clean was my bikini, sent me shopping.

When I started all of this trying-to-get-pregnant stuff, I weighed about 30 lbs less, and was a small 36B. Today? The lowest size that didn't feel tight and might actually have a smidgen of room to grow? 40D. I came out of the dressing room, having gone out and back again with bigger and bigger sizes several times, in complete and utter shock. Add to that the fact that the only one that really felt like it game me (the same me who just last winter went weeks without wearing one at all) enough support was a *nursing* bra!

So, here I am; morning-noon-and-night sick (albeit mildly), hot flashy, going through my welcome to Motherhood Maternity goodie bag in my new nursing bra. I can't get over this. My goodie bag has a bottle and a pacifier in it! Yikes! I joked with the ladies at the store that *mine* should have come with a pregnancy test!

Oh well. At least I have a bra that I ought to get plenty of use out of in the next few years, provided my breasts don't get any *bigger!*

As far as my artist's block goes, I think I figured it out - I had been trying to think how to show my connection to the Earth that I am tapping into for strength. I am still working psychologically on how I am going to do that, so I think that I am going to set the belly aside and just work on imaging Nature herself, and worry about how to relate my prego belly to it later. I just can't do big psychological processing on a deadline - go figure!

As it is, I have deadlines like mad coming up - weird quilts tomorrow (discovered that I LOVE my new beading technique with monofilament, but don't want to incorporate it into the piece after all), one of the trad quilts for the girls for their first birthday at the end of the month (they won't know that it is only Kira's and not Amelia's anyway), and the IS piece, newly reconceptualized and not at all designed yet, by Aug 31. Add to this that I am going to be visiting with my cousins and nephews next weekend for about 5 days, and my time is feeling *very* short. Too bad my body isn't up for marathons right now!

Baby steps. (Feels like my theme right now, eh?) Lol...

Artist's block

2005-08-12T20:35:00.000-05:00

I repainted the fabric for the womb, so it should be clear sailing, right? Wrong - I can't get beyond the belly and breasts except to think that I want lots of leaves... NOT enough to go on! I'm playing with arms, but - eh. Not so much. I don't want a face, as it can be any of us, and I don't want legs since mine don't work very often, and part of the point of the darned thing is that I don't need my legs to be a good parent.

So. Now what. At least only the image is due by the end of the month, so I'm not under the gun as much as I thought I was. But. Hm. I think I need to sleep on it, but ideas are MOST welcome...

Idea for you

2005-08-12T10:11:00.000-05:00

I know that I can't be the only person who has thought of this, but I got tired of losing all of my coordinated bits (leaves, petals, branches, etc), and equally tired of all of their edges getting ragged from rubbing against each other; especially unforgiving when they have fusible on the back.

So - I now fuse my bits onto backing paper - a petal sheet, a branch sheet, etc. To make it even better, I can use both sides of the paper - I have black branches on one side and white on the other of the big piece here.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. I've been working on a photoshop honey-do for my mother all morning - moving pretty bits of my nephew from one photo to another to cover for his irritability with having his photo taken as the clicking continued. It has only taken me about 10 months to do, and I still need to get it printed, but a start is a start. And oh yeah - I *did* paint up new fabric for the womb - but it takes time to dry. Thankfully. Can you tell that I am into sloth today? >;)

Good surprises

2005-08-12T06:44:00.000-05:00

In looking for my wedding pictures (we got married in January), I discovered that one of my friend/photograhpers had NOT messed them all up, as I had previously thought. Hurray! Lots of them are still blurry from our moving around, but now we have twice as many decent pictures as we had before, so I am very glad!

That said, I decided to crop this one for my profile picture for this blog - this is me on my WEDDING DAY, so, for heaven's sake, don't EVER expect me to look this good again, 'cus it ain't gonna happen! I was walking from our suite to the ceremony, and I am looking at everyone looking at me through the windows. Yes, I was walking outside, in January, in Vermont. That is my amazing friend Sue helping me - she did my hair too. My mother knitted my mohair shawl and arranged my flowers. We had a handmade wedding - Kevin's tunic was made by his mother and everyone pitched in to do everything: hang lights, take pictures, set up our altar, iron my dress, and finish frosting the cake (which I made- torted pound cake with black raspberry jam - yummy!).

It was grand... everyone liked feeling some proprietary interest in it all, even giving us advice and blessings during the ceremony that Kevin and I ran ourselves (with a UU minister to put the legal stamp on it near the end), and it felt warm and homey, and very comfortable. It also cost us less than the cake alone at most other weddings. How can you beat it?

Ok - enough nostalgia for one day, I promise. Kevin was up all night, acclimating for starting to work 3rd shift tonight. His puttering around kept me from sleeping very well, it is a cloudy day, and my hormones are still doing the loop de loops, so I don't know how much I'll get done today. The bead work for the Weird Challenge is coming along great, so maybe I'll work more on that today - it is pretty mindless. My IS challenge piece is stalled out again, and semi back to the drawing board, and there is DEFINATIVELY no time for such nonsense. I think I need to paint up some new fabric for the womb bit, since the bit I have is a tad too small, and sort of cramping my style. Now if only I can get the colors right again! Probably not, but painting is good therapy anyway, and I finished off the only Phish Phood in the house last night, so I could use it... Wish me luck!

Indelible Spirit takes form!

2005-08-10T18:39:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty happy with this - I am doing a piece based on the Birthing From Within idea of a Womb with a View. The dark blue is the body of the mother, the paler purple is the womb, and the lotus is the cervix blooming...

Can you tell that I am hoping that I am going to be pregnant? I should have ovulated yesterday. :) My big personal intention of the year is *trusting my body* and that is what prepared childbirth is all about, so, since my body doesn't always cooperate with me, and the challenge is called the Indelible Spirit, making a piece about my soon to be very pregnant belly seemed, well, empowered. I'm honestly very happy with the progress so far, but I am even more happy to actually have gotten from drawing to fabric - finally! The piece is due at the end of the month, so this is not a single moment too soon!

I made good progress on the beading for my Weird Quilt challenge today too, but the upshot is that my eyes are *done* right now, so CSI for the rest of the evening it is!<

Blink

2005-08-10T06:38:00.000-05:00

Wowzer. I took yesterday off to be slothful and deal with ovulation pains (perhaps 5 follicles - oi!) and today I am back to:

* undoing the damage to my clean house that my husband, cats and guests have wrought in four days

* get back into the studio and WORKING again (weird quilts is due MONDAY!!!)

* having lunch with old friends I had lost track of before one of them moves to Arkansas on Friday! (stupid tenure system - they don't know what they let go of!)

But before launching into all of that, I thought I'd breeze by the SAQA site and WOAH!!!! I usually spend minutes on each and every image at museums or in catalogs. This 'now you see it, now you don't' format just overloaded my circuits this morning, but *what a treat*!!!

My brain doesn't know what to do with itself now, so I guess I'll let it be all floppy and paint me up some more greens and blues...

Partners in Clean: Week 4!

2005-08-08T06:23:00.000-05:00

The out-of-towners leave today. It has been a great weekend, but I am just exhausted! I finished Harry Potter 6 last night too, so I am quickly going to revert to an empty house and no must finish this book motivation. Ah well.

This brings me to the habit that I want to create this week: Maintaing neatness and order where I have created it! The house only needs about 30 min worth of work to get it back to where it was on Friday afternoon, and it would be really nice to keep the place 'company ready'. I even have an impetus - friends coming for lunch tomorrow!

So - the bill basket is going nicely still, and hopefully I can maintain this level of order. Then maybe next week I will deal with some of the parts of the house that *weren't* in sight this weekend; my closet (yikes!) and/or my studio dresser! Ack!

In the meantime though, I plan to take lots of naps and enjoy not having a house over-run with folks I've just met. Best wishes all! Share YOUR PIC stories too!

He apologizes well...

2005-08-07T06:36:00.000-05:00

Don't you think?
After all the kafuffle, folks were here Friday night, and again for a big waffle breakfast a la me that everyone loved (real VT maple syrup and all, nach). Then we spent all afternoon and evening here, at the park six blocks from my house. City skyline, NY in the distance, and Lake Champlain made quite a splash with our out of state guests. Swimming was perfect, cookout on the grill - they all played RISK, while I read Harry Potter and played with the baby. Joy!
Anyway, he is forgiven, and all is well with the world. Except for my kitchen - what a mess! Ah well - the rest of the house (even our bedroom) is now GORGEOUS, so I'm having more folks over on Tuesday. Now if I can just keep it this nice!

One teensy gripe though - 10 people parading through my house, including my studio, and not a *single one* even mentioned or glanced at my work, or asked any questions. Sigh... Good thing that I don't really care what they think! (except about my housekeeping, obviously!)

Hi ho, hi ho...

2005-08-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

... off to cleaning house I go....

More naps, hormones, chocolate, heat, Harry Potter, and cleaning. Pretty much in that order. Enough of the last that I am feeling good about our house again, and it still has FAR to go, so that's nice. Plus, I can now walk from one side of the living room to the other without having to step *over* the futon. Hurray!

Bestest part? Kevin is not only not ticked at me for doing more, he is very happy that I have been doing as much as I have, considering. Hurray! (Do I know that I am very lucky to have him and that he spoils me rotten?? Heck YES!!)

Anyway, deadlines are quickly approaching: Weird Quilts on the 15th, Indelible Spirit on the 30th (and I haven't even chosen a design yet! Yikes!), and a year overdue paper for my MSW class on choosing to parent with a disability, due early in the fall term. So - next week I promise to get back to work on all three projects, while continuing to work on homemaking. Loading my plate a little high? Yup - with yummy dishes like those, why not?!?!

Am I having fun yet?

2005-08-03T10:41:00.000-05:00

No. Hormones suck. I'm *so* tired, even with naps, hot flashes in Aug are NOT a pleasant thing, all I want to eat is Phish Phood and chocolate covered raisins, I'm crying at DS9 episodes, b!tching at my husband and mother bigtime, and generally feeling horrible since this has also cranked up the dial on my fibromyalgia.

I've been doing some spinning, and I stained a new cltohespeg/shelfy thing for our bedroom (so as to get clothes off the floor) and the grand quest for Clean continues, albeit at snail's pace. I would be much better with this all if we didn't have folks arriving on Friday - I'm *just* enough of an old-fashioned girl that I feel like my home reflects upon me, and, well, I don't like the image, so it is hard to relax with so much to do.

Ah well. At least I cleaned the toilet yesterday! It is amazing how much more willing I am to get in all the crannies when I wearing gloves - surprise!

Partners in Clean: Week 3 - Curb Appeal

2005-08-01T14:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks - I only just remembered that it is Monday!

We have a bunch of Kevin's friends coming next weekend from all over the country, and they have never seen our house. Therefore, this week in PIC - Curb Appeal. He is in charge of the outside (since he wants to have a BBQ - ha!) and I get the inside. Our front entryway is, well, between mail, stuff piled up from Kevin cleaning out his car (ie the Big Dump) and stuff in there for an as-yet-to-be-scheduled yard sale, and medieval stuff that needs a home, and...

You get the idea. Last week's Bill Basket helps with the new mail situation, but the front door is where we both dump our stuff as we come in, so...

I have my work cut out for me. I'll even post you a picture of it - when it is clean! Meanwhile, the rest of the house needs doing too, so I am using the "If I'm leaving a room and see something that needs to go where I am going, take it with me" approach. So far I've taken enough dirty dishes into the kitchen to fill the washer. Now if I can just stop eating for the rest of the week so I don't make more dishes! Lol...

Happy Lughnassadh!

2005-08-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of our altar under the Grandfather Tree (a REALLY big white pine - that is my weaving bench serving as our altar!), where we celebrated Lughnassadh yesterday. This is the celebration of the First Harvest, and falls halfway between the summer solstice and the fall equinox.

These are some of the folks that attended our ritual and post-celebration picnic! I didn't take pictures of our swimming adventures afterward because our camera isn't waterproof, but I wore my tankini even with my fertility-enhanced waistline, so no one can say I don't have a positive body image! Lol...

Anyway - that is my adorable husband Kevin in the front - he missed most of ritual because he had to work, but got there in plenty of time to eat - surprise surprise! He's got a nasty ear infection today though, so I hope he feels better soon - we have a LOT of house/yard work to do before friends of his arrive for next weekend!

Art? Yeah right. I've felt like crud these last few days, and spent all Sunday on my crutches. Gotta love fertility drugs! My left thigh is one big bruise from injections, and energy and stamina are now considered four letter words. I HAVE been doing some spinning though - I'm spinning the wool that my MIL is going to knit into a sweater for my husband, and hopefully have enough left over for our bean, should he/she get off his/her keister and *sprout*! Wish us luck!

Slow motion

2005-07-29T17:43:00.000-05:00

My body didn't really want to cooperate today, but I still had a productive planning meeting with my friend Annette to plan our Lughnassadh service for Sunday, and ate lots of cucumbers and melon while I was at it! Hurray!

Then I slept - lots. Friday nights DH Kevin teaches cardio kickboxing at the local Y, and then we watch the Sci Fi channel (Firefly, Stargates and then I go to bed while he watches the abomination that is the new Battlestar Gallactica), so I make dinner on Fri nights. He likes my jalfreezi, so coconut milk here I come! I guess I got intoxicated on the lovely aroma, because my counters, which didn't get full force treatment last week as originally planned, got it tonight. I'm pretty happy with the results!

Also, today is Friday, and my bills finally made it into their new home - the bill basket. I realized that I was never carrying them to where I *thought* the bill basket was going to be, so now it is on the kitchen table, where the bills invariably end up anyway. At least now they are contained and easily portable, while less likely to be catted off the table. Sounds like a plus to me!

My Day Off

2005-07-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today was DH's day off work, so I took it off too - all work and no play makes Siggy a dull girl! (Siggy is DH's nickname for me - don't ask)

So - I went out to breakfast (gingerbread pancakes with VT maple syrup, crisy bacon, and buckets of tea!) with my dear friend Tracy and her twin girls, Kira (on the left) and Amelia (on the right). I'm the wrapped around their chubby little fingers thing in the middle! Today is their 11 month birthday, and I want to finish at least Kira's quilt for their birthday. Wish me luck!

After out outing, I came home and did a little bit of spinning (since it is cool enough to even *think* about handling wool, and I couldn't pass up the chance!), and set up new pool with DH Kevin. I'll show you pictures of it and our fabu landscaping tomorrow, but right now I am off to continue listening to Kevin read the new Harry Potter to me, and more spinning before CSI night. Enjoy!

Keep Swoops the &$#$ AWAY from my sewing machine!!!

2005-07-27T14:24:00.000-05:00

ARGH!!!!

I am SO glad that I actually made a practice sandwich to work on today. My sewing machine worked *perfectly* yesterday. Today? I change threads and go to do *the exact same thing* - no changed settings or anything - just threads. And the bobbin tension was whacked. I changed it back *to the original threads* and it was STILL whacked. Unhappiness reigned.

I fiddled and changed, and fiddled and practiced and changed again, and finally got it working perfectly. Then I moved to a different part of the quilt. I didn't even change threads. Guess what? Whack City! ARGH! Add to this that I went to snip a thread while I was on the phone and took a 1/4 inch long chunk out of the edge of my almost finished quilt, and I am NOT happy with this progress.

I requested a temporary restraining order, and the 'quilt' is no longer allowed within five feet of my sewing machine. When it broke said restraining order and reappeared on my sewing table (I had NOTHING to do with that, mind you), I put it under house arrest on the design wall. It is being held there with straight pin restraints on all four corners so that it cannot escape and commit more heinous acts of whacked free motion quilting.

In the meantime, to console myself, I worked on my face for the QA mag challenge: and struck gold. I really enjoyed expressing my frustration with it, and I decided that the sample sandwich I had made and seen abused earlier being *precisely* 8.5 inches wide was an omen. Therefore, here is: "Seeing Red"
And you know what cinched it? I started quilting this with monofilament at the bottom, and it worked fine. Until I moved up to the nose, where it started making loop de loops again! As a result, only the tags and collar at the bottom are anything other than just fused down. C'est la vie. I quit!

'Couch' refers to furniture!!!

2005-07-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

Wow. I have just been ON THE GO all day. I've taken off maybe 45 minutes since 6 AM, and here it is 4 PM. That might not sound huge to you, but with my body? Lol - that is a marathon day!

Couch from now on only refers to furniture; I have discovered the joys of bobbin work! OH MY HEAD - why I ****ever**** thought I'd couch the black lines in swoops, I have NO idea. This is FAR superior. I am sewing it with regular thread from the front first, then flipping it, replacing my bobbin, and sewing it again. In a couple of spots where I've deviated from the original line I've gone back and ripped out the original bits, and in some other bits where the original line is more accurate, I will tack the wayward bobbin thread back into position with a few hand stitches.

Here's a picture of the Spike part, as it currently stands:

And here is the back of the same area: (I love Melody's idea of fusing the back on AFTERWARD - I don't need to do much with all these loose ends! Hurray!)

I painted up another tablefull of cloth, and fused up three batches, and got started on my face for the QA mag challenge - I love having colored in my sketch and being able to go to my hand-painted stash and pulling out EXACTLY what I want. No "this will do's" for me! And best of all? If it turns out that I *haven't* already made exactly the color or combo that I want, I can go whip it up and have it on the cutting board that afternoon. Joy, Joy, Joy!!!!

I still haven't sketched Hormone Head, and I obviously need to get cracking on it, but the fact that I start my injectible medications again tonight should help inspire me! rotfl...

And Jen, who commented that I am getting so much art and organizing done lately? May fortune smile on you! You made my day! (Nothing like having one's efforts recognized, eh?) Thanks!

Partners in Clean: Week 2

2005-07-25T05:48:00.000-05:00

I heard a great strategy the other day: if I job will take no more than 30 seconds, do it immediately. I don't know about you, but I usually spend WAY more time thinking/stressing/procrastinating about some task than it would actually take, so this piece of advice was a good one!

Reporting on Week 1:
I still haven't sorted all of my magazines, but at least have spare boxes now for when I DO sort them all. Also, I didn't get the entire kitchen counter cleaned, but got all around the edges of the dishes. Pathetic, but true. I did about 3 loads of dishes, and I swear my husband ate like 9 meals a day even though he didn't get home until 4 PM! Ah well. It is still an improvement!

Progress in a day, not perfection in an hour!!!!

So - This week is a habit week, so... what new habit do YOU want to add to your life?

I started making my bed a few weeks ago, and WOW does it make a difference! I think that for this week I am going to (finally!) designate a basket for bills as they come in. You'd think that this would have been a no brainer, but it hasn't happened yet, pathetically! Mom even just gave me a neato basket that will do until I find something more permanent so I can have my basket back. I even know where I am going to put it! (feeling very virtuous!)

That might not seem like a big deal, but since I start my meds again this week, I will probably feel pretty cruddy, and a simply met goal sounds like a big plus. Besides, habits don't have to be a big deal since they will continue to pay benefits for years to come, and I DID do a lot last week! ;)

In Bloom!

2005-07-24T09:54:00.000-05:00

Just made these dandy little postcards to celebrate having finally gotten my period again, 8 weeks after my miscarriage and having taken stupid drugs to bring it on. Hormone Head became full out Hormone BODY last night, with 14 hours of sleep feeling like about 6 with all the pain and rotten dreams, but - it was worth it! Hurray!

Off to sketch the 'official' Hormone Head for Indelible Spirit, and maybe work on the QA mag self portrait challenge. I did a little sketch for it the other day that looks pretty goofy, but that is usually how I see myself anyway. One of my personal goals for my life is to take myself just seriously enough and no more than that. Amen.