Nothing so profound

No quilts, no politics; not really all that much ME under all of this spit-up. I LOVE being a mother - I've never wanted anything more than I've wanted my girls - but I have to have something that I want to do other than take care of them - I need something for my down time, something for my ME time; something FOR me, something ABOUT me, something ME, not just something MOM.

Fatigue is a very insidious disability. I keep getting just enough sleep to realize how frustrated I am with my situation. The art that I used to create is, again, too physically demanding. I stepped down from weaving to quilting years ago for the same reason, and I don't know where to step now. I dream of making furniture, but that is obviously right out of the question, and even my much lesser dreams of beading and scrapbooking require a stillness of hand and a dedication of time and environment that I just can't offer them. Let alone, a stillness of mind - I have to be able to put something down for an indefinate period of time in the time it takes my girls to go from asleep to inconsolate (about 30 seconds) and I need whatever I'm doing to be inexpensive ($360/month on less-allergenic formula to supplement my breast milk), baby/cat safe/proof, and not particularly flat surface consuming. I still haven't finished knitting the coming-home sweaters for my girls, and they are almost too big for them at near 6 months of age, and I am already spinning wool for blankets that I want to crochet for them that they can't outgrow, but neither "knitter" nor "crocheter" sounds like a description of myself that I could find self-satisfaction in.

If we move to the South Shore of Massachusetts, I can take on textiles and textile equipment curation at the Alden House in Duxbury, but we can't afford living there, and my parents can't afford to help us live there, and when we have said that, we've said it - no amount of *wanting* is going to change the financial facts of the situation, and I really don't want to risk my girls getting to see more of their grandparents just to get to spend most of that time watching them talk money with Mama and Dada. Plus, we can all do without the traffic, even if it does come with a lovely beach and dear, dear friends.

I *WILL* go back and get my MSW at some point, but my husband has his RN to get first, and who knows what life with the girls will be like by then anyway, so it sounds more than a little bit lame to define myself by what I want to do when my girls grow-up! Honestly, I want to spend the bulk of my time being the best Mom and wife that I can be, (as hokie as that sounds,) but I also need something where the free-will of others isn't going to be able to derail my senses of self and accomplishment.

My husband says that I could write, or program a game of my own (his hobby/semi-profession), but something about me just requires handwork, and not of the 'can do it in front of the TV without even watching' variety. Anything that a machine can do isn't likely to make me feel very good about my hard work.

Yes, I am a human BEING, not a human DOING, but I want to be something for and of myself, not defined by my relationship to others for 10 minutes a day (mother to my children, wife to my husband, daughter to my parents).

Suggestions welcome...