Neurodiversity and Silver Linings

Ever have a *great NEW* idea only to hear that someone has just published a BOOK on it? I'm sure that we have all had that experience at one time or another. I'm tired of trying to keep up with being fresh. In fact, I am feeling downright STALE.

And I'm working on being ok with it. Being out of the loop, and only having ever presumed to hover *near* it to begin with, I can't hope to be cutting edge in my design. In fact, I think that my need to be new - either in relation to the Jones' (or the Johnson's) or to myself and yesterday - is part of my problem, and my success. UFOs, mess, my hummingbird mind, my cobblestone career; all of it. The first two I strive to deal with, the latter two enrich my life in innumerable ways.

I have heretofore called my hummingbird mind my butterfly brain, and the change is due to Susanne Antonetta. In her 2005 book A Mind Apart, she talks about neurodiversity, and the richness it brings to our culture. She feels that the varied ways of thinking and perceiving the world done by those with various neurological states (ie autism and mental illness) should be preserved, even while we are helping those with said conditions to deal with the less desirable aspects of their neurological states.

I would have to add to her list of states those deliberately induced; those created by trancework and meditation, as well as those produced by various pharmacopias, the latter having been studied extensively in the American 1960's. My foray into said is strictly prescription, and even my current work could be said to spring from this neurodiversity; my mind on antidepressants for my post-partum depression. I have also meditated for years, and the state I can bring myself to is a very creative one; I often enter it by doing my artwork itself, in fact.

Her book is very interesting for two reasons; she describes the thought processes and lives of the neurodiverse (her definition, not mine), and also demonstrates it through her own writing as someone with Bipolar I. (Bipolar I is the classic manic-drepressive illness, while Bipolar II is better known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or, insultingly, the Winter Blues.) The writing aptly (and sometimes TOO aptly) shows the 'hummingbird mind' she describes. Chapters (I am only about 1/3 through it) range from the sublimely collected and freshly relevant to the disturbingly disjointed.

I can relate. I have Bipolar II, have been dealing with Post-partum depression for going on a year, and have dealt with other episodes of depression my whole life. I also have Fibromyalgia, CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome), and sequelae from a Herpes VI brain infection in the late 1990's. My brain proves to me every day that I am among the 'neurodiverse'.

Manic-depression has long been known to the artistic community - the moody darks of the depressions, the up all night working in the studio for days on end manias. I didn't even KNOW that Seasonal Affective Disorder HAD a hypomanic component (not as severe as a true manic episode) in the dog days of July and August. I have spent my share of long nights in the studio and around the campfire during that season, but I have also had most of my interpersonal relationships fall apart at that time of year. I've never done anything fully *rash*, but have obviously acted or thought differently enough to enact change in my life (or have it acted upon me) at that time of year on occaision.

And that is a good thing, mostly. Even finally getting diagnosed with SAD back in college helped, as I didn't understand before that why I always got off to such a bad start on second semester, why I lived in bed, or why I craved the sun more than the rest of us here in New England do in winter. Just *knowing* these things helped me. When my now husband and I went medieval camping in August several years ago (to Pennsic, for the SCA initiated out there), an event that no relationship of mine had *ever* survived intact before, we knew better what we were in for. Getting through it, and having fun doing so, was a joyous event for us; we even got handfasted!

Speaking of disjointed, I was reminded today of the tradition of breaking a glass at Jewish weddings, that we should show our acceptance and understanding that joy is always tempered by loss and sorrow. Such is the life of many of the neurodiverse. Those with organic changes to their brains or neurochemistry often know this - the warm love given by those with Down's, the artistic genius and focus often seen in those with Autism Sprectrum Disorders, the new appreciation for life and those we love felt by many who have dealt with spinal cord injuries or traumatic brain injuries. The rush of energy found in mania, the high and/or feeling better of pharmaceuticals, the peace and insight brought about by meditation. These 'upsides' we know, but - wow - we also know the downsides, obviously. No one wants to lose function or family, no one wants to be an addict or a recluse. That said, thank heavens for the silver lining some of us manage to find.

I wish more of us could find it. Many drugs given as 'treatments' for organic conditions leave a plethora of side effects, often leave some of the symptoms of the illness itself unmitigated, and usually steal that silver lining, if any had been found, completely away. Many folks with Bipolar conditions deliberately stop taking their meds so that they may have their manic moments, and the euphoria and perceived productivity that accompany them. (Bipolar II's hypomania can actually become a problem for the first time if antidepressants are continued during the summer months. Speak to your Doctor before changing ANY medications you are currently taking, obviously!) Functionality is certainly the paramount goal of treatment, but I can see where it would sometimes be desirable to trade a small amount of function to be able to enjoy some of the few benefits that living with these conditions can provide. Perhaps, in the future, treatments will be devised that will allow one to keep the positive 'symptoms' while getting rid of the less pleasant ones.

I think this comes back to my feeling stale. My antidepressants are working well on my post-partum depression, even though it is winter here in Vermont, and my SAD should still be in full force. I am feeling more functional than I have since my second trimester, and I am certainly getting more done than I have in months. One thing though, is SHOT. I am managing to do all sorts of mundane tasks; cleaning, finishing UFOs, etc, but one could never call them *creative.* Even my woodblock was an exercise in technique, and I just grabbed a quilt block pattern to have something to carve.

I am (and my house *certainly* is) at a point where mundane task completion is a GOOD thing, but I have to say that I am missing my *spark.* Maybe that is still to come - depression can kill creativity too, and maybe I just need to continue with my treatment more to be able to recover it; motivation THEN function THEN creativity. I certainly hope so, but I wonder if maybe my meds haven't 'treated' my creativity too, as I remember getting through many of my early days as a mother daydreaming when I couldn't move, and I can't seem to do that now, even as I move with relative ease.

So, for the present, part of the silver lining of my mind is seemingly gone, perhaps in favor of the movement of my body. I'm just going to have to work with this, obviously. I've gotten pretty good at just taking the hand that the day has dealt me as a person with Fibromyalgia; I never know what symptoms I'm going to wake up with, especially when I haven't gotten a full and restful night of sleep (ha!)

Thank heavens the sun is shining... and, believe it or not, but thank heavens that I have a messy house and UFOs to put my hands to while my brain continues to heal.

Nothing so profound

No quilts, no politics; not really all that much ME under all of this spit-up. I LOVE being a mother - I've never wanted anything more than I've wanted my girls - but I have to have something that I want to do other than take care of them - I need something for my down time, something for my ME time; something FOR me, something ABOUT me, something ME, not just something MOM.

Fatigue is a very insidious disability. I keep getting just enough sleep to realize how frustrated I am with my situation. The art that I used to create is, again, too physically demanding. I stepped down from weaving to quilting years ago for the same reason, and I don't know where to step now. I dream of making furniture, but that is obviously right out of the question, and even my much lesser dreams of beading and scrapbooking require a stillness of hand and a dedication of time and environment that I just can't offer them. Let alone, a stillness of mind - I have to be able to put something down for an indefinate period of time in the time it takes my girls to go from asleep to inconsolate (about 30 seconds) and I need whatever I'm doing to be inexpensive ($360/month on less-allergenic formula to supplement my breast milk), baby/cat safe/proof, and not particularly flat surface consuming. I still haven't finished knitting the coming-home sweaters for my girls, and they are almost too big for them at near 6 months of age, and I am already spinning wool for blankets that I want to crochet for them that they can't outgrow, but neither "knitter" nor "crocheter" sounds like a description of myself that I could find self-satisfaction in.

If we move to the South Shore of Massachusetts, I can take on textiles and textile equipment curation at the Alden House in Duxbury, but we can't afford living there, and my parents can't afford to help us live there, and when we have said that, we've said it - no amount of *wanting* is going to change the financial facts of the situation, and I really don't want to risk my girls getting to see more of their grandparents just to get to spend most of that time watching them talk money with Mama and Dada. Plus, we can all do without the traffic, even if it does come with a lovely beach and dear, dear friends.

I *WILL* go back and get my MSW at some point, but my husband has his RN to get first, and who knows what life with the girls will be like by then anyway, so it sounds more than a little bit lame to define myself by what I want to do when my girls grow-up! Honestly, I want to spend the bulk of my time being the best Mom and wife that I can be, (as hokie as that sounds,) but I also need something where the free-will of others isn't going to be able to derail my senses of self and accomplishment.

My husband says that I could write, or program a game of my own (his hobby/semi-profession), but something about me just requires handwork, and not of the 'can do it in front of the TV without even watching' variety. Anything that a machine can do isn't likely to make me feel very good about my hard work.

Yes, I am a human BEING, not a human DOING, but I want to be something for and of myself, not defined by my relationship to others for 10 minutes a day (mother to my children, wife to my husband, daughter to my parents).

Suggestions welcome...