My letter to my old friend from high school

(This is the letter I sent to Christine, verbatim. Very brave of me, don't you think? :)


Hi Crisco -

Ok, ok. I'll admit it, you intimidated the HECK out of me, saying "Sounds like we've shared similar paths ... ," then proceeding to talk about your PhD, Harvard/MIT, and your snappy new company. Then you asked to see MY work.

Oi.

So, anyway, I have pretty much put off replying to your email until now; a sunny Friday afternoon, my girls climbing around beside me, Star Trek Voyager playing in the background, and my ego in decent shape after a long nap.

Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty darned good, but I *had* hoped to be both where you were and where you currently are; I loved teaching high school, but would have loved to have gotten my PhD in bio/neuroscience even more, I love puttering around in my studio, but having an actual career in art would be even better. Even getting to have had my children a few years earlier was in the plans, but not in the cards.

Sure, a few things got in my way, but things get in everyone's way. Actually, I'm pretty GLAD that I got seriously ill in the late '90's (HHV6 brain infection), as going through that gave me a perspective on life and living that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise. Getting divorced in 1996 was good for me, as hard and weird as it was. Even trying to get pregnant on my own and then dealing with infertility with my husband gave me more time to prepare for motherhood and the paradigm shift it has brought me.

I hope to start my MSW when the girls are in school (we need to get Kevin his nursing degree first), and I have chosen not to pound my creative spirit into a commercially-appropriate shape (if my stuff eventually gets noticed, great, if not, well, better for my mental health). I have my lovely girls and a great husband. We hope to sell our house here in Burlington, Vermont, this year, and move (in the area if we have our way, to the Boston area if my mother has hers) into a house with all the bedrooms on one floor, so I don't have to deal with stairs (not a really doable thing since my brain infection), or face having the girls share a room with us indefinitely.

I guess what I am saying is that I am really glad that things have gone so well for you. I'm also saying that I am really glad that I have been able to find the silver linings in my life, and grow from them, rather than get lost in the storm clouds themselves. Storms are a part of life, and I suppose that I should be glad that I have the skillset and resilience to weather them.

Lol. Quite the little can of worms you inadvertently knocked over, eh? Introspection is one of the things I have gained, but I usually don't dump it over the head of long lost friends like this; hopefully you don't mind too much! My personal motto is that I think "I should take myself seriously enough, but no more than that." I love my life, but I can look at it critically when confronted with the insecurities that reencountering someone from high school can stir up from the depths. Better yet, I can then laugh at the whole darned mess I've made, and even revel in it.

Speaking of which, you talk on your blog about trying to be cool in high school; about trying not to be too Asian - too smart and sort of conservative (my interpretation). Just for the record, I *always* thought you were cool AND smart. You were poised, self-actualized, and funny as all get-out. And, I might add, you had drive and heart to spare. It really doesn't surprise me at all that you have done so well, and seem so happy with your life.

Also, your request for a place to see my work has spurred me to update my blogsite, for which I thank you. I have yet to get my pictures all up and organized, but I'll let you know when I do; hopefully, soon. I'm not the most organized person on the planet, especially with my studio buried under the living room furniture we had to move to make room for the mondo superyard, but this is something I have been wanting to do for some a while, and you have given me enough of an intimidating boot in the pants to make it actually happen. ;) I'm pretty happy with my work, even if (and perhaps because) I *do* tend to stop working on something just shy of completion so that I can jump into something new and seemingly more exciting. Anyway, I'll see if I can get my stuff together for you to see.

Meanwhile, my daughters are clamoring for my attention since Dada is out teaching Tae Kwon Do at the YMCA, so I need to go.

Best wishes, and hope you don't mind worms too much, since you are now officially swimming in them. I strongly considered not sending you this... well, honest... a response, but what the heck. I've got to get over high school *eventually,* right?

Enjoy -
Susan

Revamp

I got back in touch with an old friend from high school recently (Hi Crisco!) and she commented that our lives have been on similar tracks. She has a PhD in music and cognition and used to teach/work at either Harvard or MIT (blame my brain if I'm getting this wrong) before she had her gorgeous daughter. Now she runs a lovely custom stationary company from her home.

Me? Not so much. I have TWO gorgeous daughters, but other than that, I putter in my studio and used to teach high school biology. I have two bachelors degrees, one in Forest Biology and one in Education. I *would* have another in Studio Art if UVM had counted my credits from RISD as anything other than filler towards my BS. I *hope* to get my MSW in the next ten years and work with folks thrown for a loop by illness and disability, as I have been.

Hearing that she thought our lives sounded similar, I quite literally *laughed out loud.* Yeah, I went to school, worked with youth and taught them stuff, have kids and do art. Similarity *over.* Nevertheless, I had a nice ego boost, but of a variety that made me feel, well, lacking.

Then she asked if there I had a website of my artwork she could check out. Needless to say, I have been too intimidated to write back to her and tell her any of this stuff. Maybe I'll just send her a link to this blog and *really* show off my insecurities! Sigh. Did I mention that she was the kind of gal that even oozed self-confidence back in High School, when I couldn't even get it together to *speak* half the time, and felt like I looked at the world from inside my own personal fishbowl, distorted glass and all? Double sigh.

Anyway, I am telling YOU about it, gentle reader, and maybe I'll be brave enough to let her read this too. But not before I *get this blog under control.* My template has been the same since I started the sucker, I haven't posted pictures (even of my gorgeous babes) in MONTHS AND MONTHS, and it is seriously lacking in the add-ons expected in today's modern blogosphere; tag index or even - gasp - links! SO - revamp time. I hope to learn how to fix all this, and even go back and add pictures to my prior posts. All this, just to get some of my art together to show this person in a way that makes me not want to hide under my sewing table.

And yeah, I am having a WAY insecure morning. More dreams about folks from other folks from high school and woke up with a migraine. Joy. What is it about high school that it has the power to make us regress to our most insecure selves **20 years** later? Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist today! Lol.... at least I have learned to LAUGH at my self-deprecation, eh?

Sigh. Off to learn my way around Picassa2 and the 'new' blogger. Wish me luck!