Anyone remember this piece? This is Swoops, aka The Magic Schoolbus. It has been languishing on my design wall (in its intended vertical orientation) since the summer of 2005. Pa The Tic.

Anyway, I have, with the help of Eric Maisel, art coach, come to a major conclusion: Not finishing my crap is *2* strikes against it. If I just finish the ratzenfratzen stuff, I might find that not everyone thinks it is the crap that I think it is. Better yet? Even if it turns out that my stuff really IS headed for tertiary treatment at the local sewage plant, at least it will be DONE AND OFF MY WALL. That, all by itself, would be a huge blessing.

Therefore, my art project of the week: I actually took Swoops down and worked on it, and PLAN to have it FINISHED (or at least ready for backing) by Wednesday noontime (so I can show it to someone that afternoon). My daughter, Dana, happened to be in the studio with me when swoops came off the design wall, and, much to my chagrin, she almost died of shock; I don't think she knew that things weren't up there permanently and COULD come down. This piece hasn't budged since before she was conceived, and here we just bought her first pair of Big Girl shoes for her playdate at the park today. Sigh.

No need to beat myself up for what I haven't gotten done before now though - I have learned those lessons, and punishing myself for not having learned them sooner is pointless. I am NOW working on getting this piece finished, and that feels great.

BTW - I opened Picassa to gather together my photos of finished work for my gallery page. It (depressingly) didn't take long. Some of the pictures are lousy, some pieces I just don't have pictures of, and, well, I just haven't finished that much work, obviously. So - I need to take some new pictures, juggle computers for lack of a connecting cable, and then I'll get back to you.

Cutting the Crapola

I have been avoiding fabric. I know, I know - blasphemous. I still like fondling it, but actually making stuff with it? Eh. I have spent the last two months doing medieval-style illuminations; knotwork, miniature portraiture, gold leaf work, etc. And I have been doing a LOT of it. It comes so easily, and I'm not really invested in my results, since I'm just playing.

I just got the book "Coaching the Artist Within" by Eric Maisel, and am here to do the first exercise; a variant on the empty chair technique. Basically, it calls for taking myself to task for my personal crap. Here goes:

S: "I never finish anything, and my work bores me."
Art Coach: "That is two issues, let's do one at a time. I think the second will fall away once the first is dealt with, so let's start with why I never finish anything."

S: "Fine. Actually, I DO finish things, just not my art quilts."
AC: "What things DO I finish?"

S: "I finish simple baby quilts. I finish illumination paintings. I finish fabric painting. I do not finish art quilts and projects that mean something to me."
AC: "Let me get this straight - the stuff that actually MEANS something to me I don't FINISH?"

S: "Yup. On the head. The bigger I make something out to be, the less likely I am to finish it."
AC: "Why do I think that is?"

S: "If something isn't done, I have an excuse for it not being good enough. It isn't that it isn't good enough, it is that it isn't good enough YET. Also, I abandon projects that aren't working."
AC: "It sounds putting some extra time up front in my design process could help with the latter problem (ie see my problems before I get to them), and that in turn might make me happier with my progress, and make it easier for me to finish."

S: "Yeah, but that sounds like boring work. Plus, I'm just not excited about all that upfront stuff, and it is my excitement that carries me through."
AC: "But not all the WAY through, or we wouldn't be having this conversation."

S: "True. But this is really starting to sound like WORK. Yech."
AC: "Only if I actually want to finish work that matters to me. If I'm happy playing around and only finishing sketches, then I'm doing fine the way I am. Doing something more meaningful is going to mean WORKING at it."

S: "Well then, I'm doomed, because I am lazy. I don't LIKE being lazy, but motivation and followthrough have never been my forte."
AC: "What is stopping me from MAKING them my forte?"

S: "When I get something right, I feel that I just lucked out. If I actually work at something and fail, then I feel lousy. I just can't take that, I guess."
AC: "Who is judging whether you fail or not? My seascape quilt was fabulous, and I finished it. Why did that work for me?"

S: "Well, I guess I really did plan out those pieces (quilt and bumper set), with sketches and a cohesive fabric pallette and all. Plus, it was for a baby, so the judgement factor was negligible."
AC: "So I fear judgement by folks I consider to be worthy critics?"

S: "I guess so. I suppose that I don't NEED to show my work to others, but then I don't get GOOD feedback either. Maybe I could only show work I am happy with, rather than just anything I have actually gotten finished, good or bad. I think I have made finishing my work a bigger goal than it actually being any good. Talk about messed up priorities."
AC: "Well, yes and no. Good work that isn't finished isn't really good either, right? Why don't I focus on getting my processes *started* right, and then, hopefully, they will *continue* right, and be easier to FINISH and then SHARE, since I'll be ok with them."

S: "Hm. Ok. I'll try that."

That was interesting. I knew what I wanted to talk to myself about before I started, and I *thought* I knew where this was going (ie about who cares if anyone else likes it as long as I do, etc), but, lo and behold, I actually found something to fix OUTSIDE of my head. Pretty neat. Interestingly enough, I have been doing test pieces of my illumination work, and have been really pleased with the results.

I think that part of my issue stems from the silly idea (ingrained in elementary school) that art is a talent, not a skill. A talent you either have or you don't, but a skill takes honing, and honing means preparation and plain old work. I guess I knew it couldn't be that easy, eh? I see how many hours Mrs Mel and Sonji put into their work, and I see how many hours I put into my work when I am in the flow with it. I guess the hard part is transitioning from planned work to flow work and back again as needed. Obviously something I need to work on...

Revamp

I got back in touch with an old friend from high school recently (Hi Crisco!) and she commented that our lives have been on similar tracks. She has a PhD in music and cognition and used to teach/work at either Harvard or MIT (blame my brain if I'm getting this wrong) before she had her gorgeous daughter. Now she runs a lovely custom stationary company from her home.

Me? Not so much. I have TWO gorgeous daughters, but other than that, I putter in my studio and used to teach high school biology. I have two bachelors degrees, one in Forest Biology and one in Education. I *would* have another in Studio Art if UVM had counted my credits from RISD as anything other than filler towards my BS. I *hope* to get my MSW in the next ten years and work with folks thrown for a loop by illness and disability, as I have been.

Hearing that she thought our lives sounded similar, I quite literally *laughed out loud.* Yeah, I went to school, worked with youth and taught them stuff, have kids and do art. Similarity *over.* Nevertheless, I had a nice ego boost, but of a variety that made me feel, well, lacking.

Then she asked if there I had a website of my artwork she could check out. Needless to say, I have been too intimidated to write back to her and tell her any of this stuff. Maybe I'll just send her a link to this blog and *really* show off my insecurities! Sigh. Did I mention that she was the kind of gal that even oozed self-confidence back in High School, when I couldn't even get it together to *speak* half the time, and felt like I looked at the world from inside my own personal fishbowl, distorted glass and all? Double sigh.

Anyway, I am telling YOU about it, gentle reader, and maybe I'll be brave enough to let her read this too. But not before I *get this blog under control.* My template has been the same since I started the sucker, I haven't posted pictures (even of my gorgeous babes) in MONTHS AND MONTHS, and it is seriously lacking in the add-ons expected in today's modern blogosphere; tag index or even - gasp - links! SO - revamp time. I hope to learn how to fix all this, and even go back and add pictures to my prior posts. All this, just to get some of my art together to show this person in a way that makes me not want to hide under my sewing table.

And yeah, I am having a WAY insecure morning. More dreams about folks from other folks from high school and woke up with a migraine. Joy. What is it about high school that it has the power to make us regress to our most insecure selves **20 years** later? Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist today! Lol.... at least I have learned to LAUGH at my self-deprecation, eh?

Sigh. Off to learn my way around Picassa2 and the 'new' blogger. Wish me luck!

Slight detour, but right general direction

Ok, ok. I've only cleaned three surfaces (card table, kitchen counter, and sewing table), but I have a) done a decent quantity of spinning, and b) have gotten out of the house without my husband twice in the last week, once by myself, and once with the girls, to their very first playgroup. (Everyone had to leave after only 20 min since we got there late, but just getting there was a start, esp since I hadn't had both girls out by myself since about SEPTEMBER. Pa the tic.) I even went to the art store afterward for a bench hook for cutting linoleum for block printing, but they didn't have any in stock. Sigh.

I *tried* though, and that counts. Spinning isn't really 'art', but it is handwork, so that is a start. It doesn't do much for my BRAIN though, so I still need to find something else to strike a spark in my gray matter.

Meanwhile? Nachos for dinner! Yum!

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

Hi folks -

The girls are 10 months old now, pulling to standing and cruising around. They aren't sleeping through the night without eating several times, and show no sign of doing so soon, despite our trying to get them to do so.

Still no art, still no time/energy to do anything but sometimes curl up with a book, but at least I am really starting to FEEL BETTER. My post-partum depression started improving in December, and I am finally almost completely off of my painkillers. Hurray! Now if I can just kick the remains of my winter cold!

That being that case, I have high hopes of being really finally over my pregnancy by the time Spring hits here in Vermont - around the girls' birthday in April - and that I'll actually be able to take them to the park, and to playgroups, and all that other fun mom-and-toddler stuff that I didn't get to do back when we were mom-and-babies. Ah well - better late than never, eh?

I hope that you and your families and projects are doing well...

Things I'm working on

Shoulds: (self-imposed, so they are ok)

* finish baby quilt for Erica's son, Jacob Jules
* sew labels on back of Jesse's and Genna's quilts so I can get them delivered
* finish Tra's girls' quilts (one in progress, other unstarted! Yikes!)
* CLEAN OUT MY STUDIO!!!
* finish postcards for year-old exchange (better late than never, I hope)
* send thank-you's for all the lovely things my girls have been given
* finish quilting the Magic Bus quilt from the Straight and Narrow challenge (languishing on the design wall at present)
* line up contractors for garden recovery and ceiling repairs
* get out invites to girls' baptism

Want to's:

* try block printing
* dyeing/painting some yardage
* order print paste from Pro-Chem
* order RTD clothes from Dharma
* play with batik more
* find some fun FICTION to read before the summer vanishes
* play the Civ 4 warlords expansion DH got me, and Sim City 4 that cousin George lent me

Have done recently's:

* screen-printed hand and footprint Father's Day shirts for my husband and Dad
* pastel drawing for card for my Aunt for her birthday
* continuing to document babies on digital camera
* enjoyed stargazing and other simple pleasures in Heath, Mass with family
* sewed boutique overalls for friend Barbara's daughter Ellie (princesses galore!)

___________________________________

Not too bad, and not so good, but doable. Get cracking, and have fun!
Life is what I make it!!!!