Cutting the Crapola

I have been avoiding fabric. I know, I know - blasphemous. I still like fondling it, but actually making stuff with it? Eh. I have spent the last two months doing medieval-style illuminations; knotwork, miniature portraiture, gold leaf work, etc. And I have been doing a LOT of it. It comes so easily, and I'm not really invested in my results, since I'm just playing.

I just got the book "Coaching the Artist Within" by Eric Maisel, and am here to do the first exercise; a variant on the empty chair technique. Basically, it calls for taking myself to task for my personal crap. Here goes:

S: "I never finish anything, and my work bores me."
Art Coach: "That is two issues, let's do one at a time. I think the second will fall away once the first is dealt with, so let's start with why I never finish anything."

S: "Fine. Actually, I DO finish things, just not my art quilts."
AC: "What things DO I finish?"

S: "I finish simple baby quilts. I finish illumination paintings. I finish fabric painting. I do not finish art quilts and projects that mean something to me."
AC: "Let me get this straight - the stuff that actually MEANS something to me I don't FINISH?"

S: "Yup. On the head. The bigger I make something out to be, the less likely I am to finish it."
AC: "Why do I think that is?"

S: "If something isn't done, I have an excuse for it not being good enough. It isn't that it isn't good enough, it is that it isn't good enough YET. Also, I abandon projects that aren't working."
AC: "It sounds putting some extra time up front in my design process could help with the latter problem (ie see my problems before I get to them), and that in turn might make me happier with my progress, and make it easier for me to finish."

S: "Yeah, but that sounds like boring work. Plus, I'm just not excited about all that upfront stuff, and it is my excitement that carries me through."
AC: "But not all the WAY through, or we wouldn't be having this conversation."

S: "True. But this is really starting to sound like WORK. Yech."
AC: "Only if I actually want to finish work that matters to me. If I'm happy playing around and only finishing sketches, then I'm doing fine the way I am. Doing something more meaningful is going to mean WORKING at it."

S: "Well then, I'm doomed, because I am lazy. I don't LIKE being lazy, but motivation and followthrough have never been my forte."
AC: "What is stopping me from MAKING them my forte?"

S: "When I get something right, I feel that I just lucked out. If I actually work at something and fail, then I feel lousy. I just can't take that, I guess."
AC: "Who is judging whether you fail or not? My seascape quilt was fabulous, and I finished it. Why did that work for me?"

S: "Well, I guess I really did plan out those pieces (quilt and bumper set), with sketches and a cohesive fabric pallette and all. Plus, it was for a baby, so the judgement factor was negligible."
AC: "So I fear judgement by folks I consider to be worthy critics?"

S: "I guess so. I suppose that I don't NEED to show my work to others, but then I don't get GOOD feedback either. Maybe I could only show work I am happy with, rather than just anything I have actually gotten finished, good or bad. I think I have made finishing my work a bigger goal than it actually being any good. Talk about messed up priorities."
AC: "Well, yes and no. Good work that isn't finished isn't really good either, right? Why don't I focus on getting my processes *started* right, and then, hopefully, they will *continue* right, and be easier to FINISH and then SHARE, since I'll be ok with them."

S: "Hm. Ok. I'll try that."

That was interesting. I knew what I wanted to talk to myself about before I started, and I *thought* I knew where this was going (ie about who cares if anyone else likes it as long as I do, etc), but, lo and behold, I actually found something to fix OUTSIDE of my head. Pretty neat. Interestingly enough, I have been doing test pieces of my illumination work, and have been really pleased with the results.

I think that part of my issue stems from the silly idea (ingrained in elementary school) that art is a talent, not a skill. A talent you either have or you don't, but a skill takes honing, and honing means preparation and plain old work. I guess I knew it couldn't be that easy, eh? I see how many hours Mrs Mel and Sonji put into their work, and I see how many hours I put into my work when I am in the flow with it. I guess the hard part is transitioning from planned work to flow work and back again as needed. Obviously something I need to work on...