The Cusp

I'm about to turn 35. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that '40 is the new 20' and all that jazz, but I feel like I am really leaving my youth behind. Someone asked me if I felt this way because of my kids, and I really don't think that is it; more like I feel like this is my BODY leaving my youth behind - just starting to begin my midlife now instead.

I actually LIKE my white hairs, and the girls are already starting to get me into better shape than I have been in a while, and that is just going to continue as they (and I with them) get more active. My skin hasn't bounced back from my stretch marks like it might have a decade ago, but I am happy to have them since they brought me my girls. So maybe that isn't it...

My lifestyle is pretty juvenile - post-c0llege furniture hodge podge, and no organized way of dealing with the running of our home. I think I am feeling like a) I should be better at this part of my life by now, and b) that I WANT to be better at this part of my life now, so my girls can grow up in a home that doesn't look like the Goodwill exploded in it.

An older friend of mine has a pin that says "if you haven't had to grow up by the time you are 35, you obviously don't have to." Dangling verb aside, I agree. We both have more education to get for impending career changes, but many of our generation do that. I like the time we spend together, and, mostly, how we spend it. Our communication skills and involvement in our communities are good - better than most, actually. I can still play like a kid, and live in my yoga pants, but I CAN do the whole dressed for success thing, and DO so when I am in a professional environment. I feel like we are pretty well adjusted - outside of our property boundary.

Inside? Not so much. Chores happen when our superegos nag us into compliance. In our professional lives we ususally do more than asked, but at home, where it impacts our girls' every waking moment? They are my biggest motivators to change in this department.

I said over a year ago that this is my decade to get organized and start running my home like an adult. My girls are almost one year old, and I am really starting to feel better. I have carved out some time for me to take the girls out, and for me to have time for myself and my creative work. Now it is time for me to get serious about improving my daily life. This kind of chaos is a pattern that I grew up with, and thus repeated. I need to model better for my girls, and I will.

Meanwhile, my disappointment at not having a party apparently made an impression on my husband, and I am actually getting a birthday party. :) Did I mention that I still know how to play like a kid?