Priorities

I have problems with a society where such large numbers of our minority teenagers struggle to graduate from high school, and then get denied their diploma ceremony because people in the audience cheer at the students' success.

As a former high school teacher, I know the value of supportive families - that principal should seriously think twice about his/her stand on this issue.

* * *

My husband and I are getting involved in the SCA again, as you may have noticed, and I find that I am spending a lot of time working on projects around it. We have a disaster of a house and a serious need to either move or renovate (pop up our second floor into a full second storey). I would also like to actually contribute to society in some meaningful way.

We ARE working on the mess, and we ARE packing up, throwing out or recylcing miscellaneous stuff that we won't be needing again for a while. I AM teaching folks to understand where the products they use came from, and hopefully that is making them have a greater appreciation of how folks in less materialistic cultures live and get by. And, if culture really goes to heck, maybe I'm giving folks some skills and understanding that will tide them over; my own little contribution to making the new Dark Ages a little shorter (or at least brighter) for some.

Which is all nice and all, but people are still starving, being bombed, raped, burned out, and generally suffering. It makes me feel pretty silly to be getting all dressed up in garb based on archaeological finds and going off (guzzling gas along the way - carseats do a number on one's ability to carpool) to play at a santized version of the life so many still lead every day.

I know there are numerous ways artists raise money and awareness about these issues, but how do others, well, *justify* - to themselves - making art when others are making war? I know that my way of psychologically dealing with 9/11 was to go out the next day and buy a guitar; I needed joy and self-expression in so much sadness and insanity.

Is it ok to create/play to get by and stay healthy enough to THEN go do something important? I ask this rhetorically, since I know that we each need our own ways to recharge, express ourselves (and our frustration) and generally stay mentally healthy enough for the other parts of our lives.

I guess I am missing my teaching high school, and not being in a place yet where I can get started on my MSW. Raising my girls is obviously worthwhile, and very rewarding. Giving them the best life, and clearest understanding possible, is a responsibility I take on gladly.

I still feel funny caring about the varied reconstructions of Viking Age apron-dresses...

Busy, busy, busy

We took the girls camping for the first time this last weekend, and they loved it! We were all at an SCA event, and I spent the whole weekend before making them baby-size medieval garb and reworking my handout for my tapestry class.

This week, I've been flat out preparing the handout for new class I'm teaching this weekend (but I'm leaving Kevin and the girls home for this one) on pre-1300 weave structures. Oi. Author permissions, weaving drafts galore, and many structures worked up on cheapo looms to show folks.

I can't wait for Sunday, and the chance to VEG!

BTW - my bathroom got spotless on my quest to get out of CHAOS, but my current sewing/teaching/camping frenzy has everything pulled out of everywhere. Maybe not so much vegging next week after all...

C.H.A.O.S.

That is FlyLady's acronym for "can't have anyone over syndrome," and BOY-O do I have it. I'm having sort of a psychological kafluey right now (did YOU know that Seasonal Affective Disorder does wacky stuff to you in the summer too? Crazy, racing thoughts, energy to burn, but somehow never productively, and irritability/weepiness like crazy, in my case. Fun, eh?), and the house is just making me INSANE.

I have SO fallen off the Partners in Clean wagon that it just ain't funny. I actually just sat here and read all of FlyLady's wisdom, and, while I really like some of her ideas, others just won't stick to me (her FLY paper ain't that good), so I'm not going to set myself up for failure by trying to fit myself and mylife into her mold (moisturizer every day? Polishing? Great if that is your life, but it is NOT mine.)

I AM taking her up on somethings though, and crafting them to fit my own style, so I am more likely to work them out. I don't do my surface a day/15 minutes a day because I haven't set myself any systems or routines for actually doing them. Heck, I often don't even manage to pump breast milk until lunchtime, and my little kaflooeys don't help any.

Biggest thing I am noticing though? I don't have a waste basket by my desk. Time to comandeer one...

Also, I can do my 15 minutes (more time delinated than my one surface rule) during morning Sesame Street time, when my girls are fed, clean and not likely to be fighting over anything (don't get me started on the wonders of twins....) Then, if I am *reallly* organized, I can pump during Mr Rogers. (Yes, I am still pumping. Yes, they are almost 13 months old. Yes, they eat 'real' food too. They have had a total of three sniffles between them in their entire lives to date. 'Nuff said.)

One thing that I am being very organized about is getting ready for our first SCA camping event as a four-some. This weekend (K is off!) is our TRY IT OUT weekend - get the back 'lawn' under control enough to pitch our tent on it, and try sleeping out there with the girls, just to get all of us used to it, and our bedtime routines (one place where I actually have some!) down, so, hopefully, we will actually get to camp for all three nights over Memorial Day weekend. I also have to sew (K does the laundry) and pack about a billion little outfits for the girls (K and I have some, obviously) between now and then, and get ready for the classes I am teaching (one on tapestry weaving - don't ask about the mini-warp weighted loom I made this week when I have so much else to do - one on my new A&S challenge, and one on pregancy, nursing, and baby garb).

Good thing I have energy to burn. Now if only I can learn to channel it!

NOT on my butt

Lest you think I am slacking, gentle reader, I can assure you that I am NOT. I've just gone back in time...

I took the girls to their first SCA (medieval reenactment) event the other day, and had to make them both shifts and tunics last week. (They loved it, btw.) I taught a scribal arts (calligraphy and illumination) roundtable while there, and have been doing more of this kind myself lately.

Here's Dana in her new little shift and tunic, all done up with armpit gores and embroidered reverse facing at the neck. Ain't she sweet? :)

I have also given myself a big, new, SCA style challenge (50 new projects + 50 new pieces of medieval clothing/garb + teaching 50 classes, all in the next eight years as we gear up for the SCA turning 50 in 2015) and started a blog to record that process. Anyone interested can check it out here.

I AM still working on Swoops too, but embroidering tunics took precedence last week.... Cute kids will be my undoing!

Anyone remember this piece? This is Swoops, aka The Magic Schoolbus. It has been languishing on my design wall (in its intended vertical orientation) since the summer of 2005. Pa The Tic.

Anyway, I have, with the help of Eric Maisel, art coach, come to a major conclusion: Not finishing my crap is *2* strikes against it. If I just finish the ratzenfratzen stuff, I might find that not everyone thinks it is the crap that I think it is. Better yet? Even if it turns out that my stuff really IS headed for tertiary treatment at the local sewage plant, at least it will be DONE AND OFF MY WALL. That, all by itself, would be a huge blessing.

Therefore, my art project of the week: I actually took Swoops down and worked on it, and PLAN to have it FINISHED (or at least ready for backing) by Wednesday noontime (so I can show it to someone that afternoon). My daughter, Dana, happened to be in the studio with me when swoops came off the design wall, and, much to my chagrin, she almost died of shock; I don't think she knew that things weren't up there permanently and COULD come down. This piece hasn't budged since before she was conceived, and here we just bought her first pair of Big Girl shoes for her playdate at the park today. Sigh.

No need to beat myself up for what I haven't gotten done before now though - I have learned those lessons, and punishing myself for not having learned them sooner is pointless. I am NOW working on getting this piece finished, and that feels great.

BTW - I opened Picassa to gather together my photos of finished work for my gallery page. It (depressingly) didn't take long. Some of the pictures are lousy, some pieces I just don't have pictures of, and, well, I just haven't finished that much work, obviously. So - I need to take some new pictures, juggle computers for lack of a connecting cable, and then I'll get back to you.

One year later

My girls just turned one year old. What a year! They are such big girls now; not really babies anymore. Waah! I am so proud of them though - Dana has become outright generous (even giving her favorite lovey to her sister when Rowyn was sad), and Rowyn has taken to talking on a pretend phone whenever I talk on the real one. Guess I spend too much time on the phone, eh? Sigh... Time to get them into the studio with me so they can see what I REALLY spend my time doing when I am not in the superyard with them!

Check back to this post later, to give me time to unpack the camera and post pics of our birthday trip to the New England Aquarium!

Body of Work

Funny that this title includes the word 'work,' eh? No one calls it their body of play.

Anyway - I *am* actually working on a gallery site for my work. I'm not sure what I will PUT there yet (lol), but folks *will* actually get to see my work.

Cutting the Crapola

I have been avoiding fabric. I know, I know - blasphemous. I still like fondling it, but actually making stuff with it? Eh. I have spent the last two months doing medieval-style illuminations; knotwork, miniature portraiture, gold leaf work, etc. And I have been doing a LOT of it. It comes so easily, and I'm not really invested in my results, since I'm just playing.

I just got the book "Coaching the Artist Within" by Eric Maisel, and am here to do the first exercise; a variant on the empty chair technique. Basically, it calls for taking myself to task for my personal crap. Here goes:

S: "I never finish anything, and my work bores me."
Art Coach: "That is two issues, let's do one at a time. I think the second will fall away once the first is dealt with, so let's start with why I never finish anything."

S: "Fine. Actually, I DO finish things, just not my art quilts."
AC: "What things DO I finish?"

S: "I finish simple baby quilts. I finish illumination paintings. I finish fabric painting. I do not finish art quilts and projects that mean something to me."
AC: "Let me get this straight - the stuff that actually MEANS something to me I don't FINISH?"

S: "Yup. On the head. The bigger I make something out to be, the less likely I am to finish it."
AC: "Why do I think that is?"

S: "If something isn't done, I have an excuse for it not being good enough. It isn't that it isn't good enough, it is that it isn't good enough YET. Also, I abandon projects that aren't working."
AC: "It sounds putting some extra time up front in my design process could help with the latter problem (ie see my problems before I get to them), and that in turn might make me happier with my progress, and make it easier for me to finish."

S: "Yeah, but that sounds like boring work. Plus, I'm just not excited about all that upfront stuff, and it is my excitement that carries me through."
AC: "But not all the WAY through, or we wouldn't be having this conversation."

S: "True. But this is really starting to sound like WORK. Yech."
AC: "Only if I actually want to finish work that matters to me. If I'm happy playing around and only finishing sketches, then I'm doing fine the way I am. Doing something more meaningful is going to mean WORKING at it."

S: "Well then, I'm doomed, because I am lazy. I don't LIKE being lazy, but motivation and followthrough have never been my forte."
AC: "What is stopping me from MAKING them my forte?"

S: "When I get something right, I feel that I just lucked out. If I actually work at something and fail, then I feel lousy. I just can't take that, I guess."
AC: "Who is judging whether you fail or not? My seascape quilt was fabulous, and I finished it. Why did that work for me?"

S: "Well, I guess I really did plan out those pieces (quilt and bumper set), with sketches and a cohesive fabric pallette and all. Plus, it was for a baby, so the judgement factor was negligible."
AC: "So I fear judgement by folks I consider to be worthy critics?"

S: "I guess so. I suppose that I don't NEED to show my work to others, but then I don't get GOOD feedback either. Maybe I could only show work I am happy with, rather than just anything I have actually gotten finished, good or bad. I think I have made finishing my work a bigger goal than it actually being any good. Talk about messed up priorities."
AC: "Well, yes and no. Good work that isn't finished isn't really good either, right? Why don't I focus on getting my processes *started* right, and then, hopefully, they will *continue* right, and be easier to FINISH and then SHARE, since I'll be ok with them."

S: "Hm. Ok. I'll try that."

That was interesting. I knew what I wanted to talk to myself about before I started, and I *thought* I knew where this was going (ie about who cares if anyone else likes it as long as I do, etc), but, lo and behold, I actually found something to fix OUTSIDE of my head. Pretty neat. Interestingly enough, I have been doing test pieces of my illumination work, and have been really pleased with the results.

I think that part of my issue stems from the silly idea (ingrained in elementary school) that art is a talent, not a skill. A talent you either have or you don't, but a skill takes honing, and honing means preparation and plain old work. I guess I knew it couldn't be that easy, eh? I see how many hours Mrs Mel and Sonji put into their work, and I see how many hours I put into my work when I am in the flow with it. I guess the hard part is transitioning from planned work to flow work and back again as needed. Obviously something I need to work on...

I know that folks have wanted a more recent picture of my girls, so here they are, Rowyn and Dana, at 11 months (less than three weeks ago). Dana's hair is still completely out of control, obviously. I keep hoping that it will grow out enough for me to tuck behind her ears, but her curls (not really evident here, as she needed a tubby in a *bad* way) kind of don't really take to 'tucking' very well. We've tried headbands (wound up around her neck - ack!), and barrettes sort of scare me since I got one stuck in my skull back in fourth grade (don't ask), so no go there. Elastics look too cute for words, and NO, I won't show you the pictures (at least not today). Suggestions welcome. Rowyn, true to form, has easy hair, even if it is getting in her eyes now. Go figure.

My letter to my old friend from high school

(This is the letter I sent to Christine, verbatim. Very brave of me, don't you think? :)


Hi Crisco -

Ok, ok. I'll admit it, you intimidated the HECK out of me, saying "Sounds like we've shared similar paths ... ," then proceeding to talk about your PhD, Harvard/MIT, and your snappy new company. Then you asked to see MY work.

Oi.

So, anyway, I have pretty much put off replying to your email until now; a sunny Friday afternoon, my girls climbing around beside me, Star Trek Voyager playing in the background, and my ego in decent shape after a long nap.

Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty darned good, but I *had* hoped to be both where you were and where you currently are; I loved teaching high school, but would have loved to have gotten my PhD in bio/neuroscience even more, I love puttering around in my studio, but having an actual career in art would be even better. Even getting to have had my children a few years earlier was in the plans, but not in the cards.

Sure, a few things got in my way, but things get in everyone's way. Actually, I'm pretty GLAD that I got seriously ill in the late '90's (HHV6 brain infection), as going through that gave me a perspective on life and living that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise. Getting divorced in 1996 was good for me, as hard and weird as it was. Even trying to get pregnant on my own and then dealing with infertility with my husband gave me more time to prepare for motherhood and the paradigm shift it has brought me.

I hope to start my MSW when the girls are in school (we need to get Kevin his nursing degree first), and I have chosen not to pound my creative spirit into a commercially-appropriate shape (if my stuff eventually gets noticed, great, if not, well, better for my mental health). I have my lovely girls and a great husband. We hope to sell our house here in Burlington, Vermont, this year, and move (in the area if we have our way, to the Boston area if my mother has hers) into a house with all the bedrooms on one floor, so I don't have to deal with stairs (not a really doable thing since my brain infection), or face having the girls share a room with us indefinitely.

I guess what I am saying is that I am really glad that things have gone so well for you. I'm also saying that I am really glad that I have been able to find the silver linings in my life, and grow from them, rather than get lost in the storm clouds themselves. Storms are a part of life, and I suppose that I should be glad that I have the skillset and resilience to weather them.

Lol. Quite the little can of worms you inadvertently knocked over, eh? Introspection is one of the things I have gained, but I usually don't dump it over the head of long lost friends like this; hopefully you don't mind too much! My personal motto is that I think "I should take myself seriously enough, but no more than that." I love my life, but I can look at it critically when confronted with the insecurities that reencountering someone from high school can stir up from the depths. Better yet, I can then laugh at the whole darned mess I've made, and even revel in it.

Speaking of which, you talk on your blog about trying to be cool in high school; about trying not to be too Asian - too smart and sort of conservative (my interpretation). Just for the record, I *always* thought you were cool AND smart. You were poised, self-actualized, and funny as all get-out. And, I might add, you had drive and heart to spare. It really doesn't surprise me at all that you have done so well, and seem so happy with your life.

Also, your request for a place to see my work has spurred me to update my blogsite, for which I thank you. I have yet to get my pictures all up and organized, but I'll let you know when I do; hopefully, soon. I'm not the most organized person on the planet, especially with my studio buried under the living room furniture we had to move to make room for the mondo superyard, but this is something I have been wanting to do for some a while, and you have given me enough of an intimidating boot in the pants to make it actually happen. ;) I'm pretty happy with my work, even if (and perhaps because) I *do* tend to stop working on something just shy of completion so that I can jump into something new and seemingly more exciting. Anyway, I'll see if I can get my stuff together for you to see.

Meanwhile, my daughters are clamoring for my attention since Dada is out teaching Tae Kwon Do at the YMCA, so I need to go.

Best wishes, and hope you don't mind worms too much, since you are now officially swimming in them. I strongly considered not sending you this... well, honest... a response, but what the heck. I've got to get over high school *eventually,* right?

Enjoy -
Susan

Hit or Miss

I was just starting up a blog for another community I work with (the InReach Pagan Community), and decided to try the "next blog" button at the top of my interface.

I wound up at the blog of a Franciscan monk, named Charles. (Check out his blog at a minor friar.)

According to his blog, he's a big fan of punk rock.

Gotta love the blogosphere...

Anyway, he talks about what a friend of his calls the "survival of defeatist." Basically, that pessimistic people are better prepared to deal with the trials and tribulations of life because they have already envisioned and thought about those possibilities.

I do not consider myself a pessimist. In fact, I am usually (low-self esteem post of the other day notwithstanding) quite an optimistic person. Never the less, I often *plan* on things going badly, figuring that in this way I am prepared for a poor outcome, and will be better able to deal with it. However, I always *hope for* and *work towards* the best outcome. When questioned about this attitude I say that I always prefer being "pleasantly surprised."

I'm not sure if this has impacted my survivability or not, but it certainly has made me more mentally resilient. I get the challenge of problem solving ways out of negative situations, and I get to put my efforts into working towards more positive outcomes, sometimes avoiding pitfalls that might not have been apparent to me without my problem solving.

I find this proactive and useful. I find it better than pure optimism, which I find somewhat naive; bad things happen, and we can be blindsided by them, anticipate them and do nothing, or plan for them, and hope that we can mitigate their worst effects.

Pase 1: Complete!

Well, what do you think of the new format? The upgraded template interface at Blogger is EASY. I set this up in about 30 minutes, new info included. Now I just need to get my links and stuff together and fill it out some. But first I hereby do the important step of congratulating myself on my progress so far. Yay me!

I'm in a much better headspace today (hurray for therapy!) and we are getting ready to take the girls out to their second movie in the theatre - The Last Mimzy. We have so-called "Mom's matinees" every Thursday, and when Kevin and I took the girls to see Bridge to Terebithia last month, we had the theatre all to ourselves! Rowyn loved it, and Dana slept. We'll have to see how today goes, but hopefully it will be fun for all!

Revamp

I got back in touch with an old friend from high school recently (Hi Crisco!) and she commented that our lives have been on similar tracks. She has a PhD in music and cognition and used to teach/work at either Harvard or MIT (blame my brain if I'm getting this wrong) before she had her gorgeous daughter. Now she runs a lovely custom stationary company from her home.

Me? Not so much. I have TWO gorgeous daughters, but other than that, I putter in my studio and used to teach high school biology. I have two bachelors degrees, one in Forest Biology and one in Education. I *would* have another in Studio Art if UVM had counted my credits from RISD as anything other than filler towards my BS. I *hope* to get my MSW in the next ten years and work with folks thrown for a loop by illness and disability, as I have been.

Hearing that she thought our lives sounded similar, I quite literally *laughed out loud.* Yeah, I went to school, worked with youth and taught them stuff, have kids and do art. Similarity *over.* Nevertheless, I had a nice ego boost, but of a variety that made me feel, well, lacking.

Then she asked if there I had a website of my artwork she could check out. Needless to say, I have been too intimidated to write back to her and tell her any of this stuff. Maybe I'll just send her a link to this blog and *really* show off my insecurities! Sigh. Did I mention that she was the kind of gal that even oozed self-confidence back in High School, when I couldn't even get it together to *speak* half the time, and felt like I looked at the world from inside my own personal fishbowl, distorted glass and all? Double sigh.

Anyway, I am telling YOU about it, gentle reader, and maybe I'll be brave enough to let her read this too. But not before I *get this blog under control.* My template has been the same since I started the sucker, I haven't posted pictures (even of my gorgeous babes) in MONTHS AND MONTHS, and it is seriously lacking in the add-ons expected in today's modern blogosphere; tag index or even - gasp - links! SO - revamp time. I hope to learn how to fix all this, and even go back and add pictures to my prior posts. All this, just to get some of my art together to show this person in a way that makes me not want to hide under my sewing table.

And yeah, I am having a WAY insecure morning. More dreams about folks from other folks from high school and woke up with a migraine. Joy. What is it about high school that it has the power to make us regress to our most insecure selves **20 years** later? Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist today! Lol.... at least I have learned to LAUGH at my self-deprecation, eh?

Sigh. Off to learn my way around Picassa2 and the 'new' blogger. Wish me luck!

Sonji and Oprah

I dreamt this morning that I was seated next to Oprah at lunch, and tried to write down Sonji's blog addy so Oprah could go check it out. My writing was illegible and my spelling terrible (important for URLs, go figure). I tried and tried, but couldn't get it right.

I even drew a carpet page from the Book of Kells (medieval manuscript of the Gospels - all Celticy Knotworky), something that I have been studying lately as I've been working on my own illumination paintings and calligraphy work (funny that my writing was illegible, eh?)

Anyway, I just tried to post on Sonji's comments about it, but no go. Ah well. I do think that Oprah would enjoy her blog, IMHO. Her loss.

Happy Birthday to Me...

My birthday has been grand. My day started off with waking up next to my daughter, Rowyn, and the huge wet spot created by her leaking diaper. Kevin made pancakes for our breakfast, and the girls sat to the big table for the first time (coffee table in the superyard, but with them pulled right up to it, with our traditional family lucky pennies tied to the frame), and used plates and ate pancakes for the first time; all during Little Einsteins. Dana even fed me a non-drooled on bite of hers before she flipped her plate and sent the rest of hers flying. Morning nap time was a hassle, but the girls and I all got under the sheet and I hit it up with my hands, and they loved it.

We were supposed to go to an SCA event today, but the snowstorm put the cabosh on that plan. Our backup was to go to the ECHO aquarium here on Lake Champlain, but lovely long phone calls from Page and Susan (both in Texas, believe it or not) took up most of our time before afternoon nap was supposed to start, but didn't! Kevin eventually loaded the girls in the car for a before-dinner wind-down while I ironed my pants (I'm officially back in a size 14! Hurray!) and frosted my own chocolate cake. Then we were off to Olive Garden, where nine friends awaited us - Tracy, Jim and their twins, Paley and her son Declan, and Maya, Annette and her partner Danny. It was grand, and we had between us the five best behaved toddlers on the planet. Paley drove a total of four hours just to be at dinner with us. I am so blessed.

Rowyn and Dana both even had their first bites of chocolate cake (the first chocolate/junk food we have actually given them); Dana predictably loved it, while Rowyn wanted nothing to do with it, opting instead for more Cherrios. All of the kids were really sweet and good, and Maya even did magic tricks for us between courses. It was great fun, and the same crew will be together for R&D's birthday next month, so even better!

I wore my lotus perfume tonight. Lotus is sacred to Kwan Yin; the Most Merciful, the Hearer of Cries. Talking to her helped me deal with the rollercoaster of trying to get pregnant, and now here I am - bookended by sweet little girls at my 35th birthday dinner. It seemed appropriate, as gratitude always does.

My presents, too, spoke of how blessed I am. Not in the receiving, but in the understanding and love my friends have for me - a candle holder carved from solid salt, a set of multicolored inks for my illumination, the upgrade to EQ6, a book on spiritual travel adventures by a collection of women writers (A Woman's Path), and a bouquet of daffodils, my favorite flower.

And we still get to go to ECHO tomorrow.

I might not like this getting old thing, but if it means knowing myself and being known so well by those I love, then I'll take it.

The Cusp

I'm about to turn 35. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that '40 is the new 20' and all that jazz, but I feel like I am really leaving my youth behind. Someone asked me if I felt this way because of my kids, and I really don't think that is it; more like I feel like this is my BODY leaving my youth behind - just starting to begin my midlife now instead.

I actually LIKE my white hairs, and the girls are already starting to get me into better shape than I have been in a while, and that is just going to continue as they (and I with them) get more active. My skin hasn't bounced back from my stretch marks like it might have a decade ago, but I am happy to have them since they brought me my girls. So maybe that isn't it...

My lifestyle is pretty juvenile - post-c0llege furniture hodge podge, and no organized way of dealing with the running of our home. I think I am feeling like a) I should be better at this part of my life by now, and b) that I WANT to be better at this part of my life now, so my girls can grow up in a home that doesn't look like the Goodwill exploded in it.

An older friend of mine has a pin that says "if you haven't had to grow up by the time you are 35, you obviously don't have to." Dangling verb aside, I agree. We both have more education to get for impending career changes, but many of our generation do that. I like the time we spend together, and, mostly, how we spend it. Our communication skills and involvement in our communities are good - better than most, actually. I can still play like a kid, and live in my yoga pants, but I CAN do the whole dressed for success thing, and DO so when I am in a professional environment. I feel like we are pretty well adjusted - outside of our property boundary.

Inside? Not so much. Chores happen when our superegos nag us into compliance. In our professional lives we ususally do more than asked, but at home, where it impacts our girls' every waking moment? They are my biggest motivators to change in this department.

I said over a year ago that this is my decade to get organized and start running my home like an adult. My girls are almost one year old, and I am really starting to feel better. I have carved out some time for me to take the girls out, and for me to have time for myself and my creative work. Now it is time for me to get serious about improving my daily life. This kind of chaos is a pattern that I grew up with, and thus repeated. I need to model better for my girls, and I will.

Meanwhile, my disappointment at not having a party apparently made an impression on my husband, and I am actually getting a birthday party. :) Did I mention that I still know how to play like a kid?

Neurodiversity and Silver Linings

Ever have a *great NEW* idea only to hear that someone has just published a BOOK on it? I'm sure that we have all had that experience at one time or another. I'm tired of trying to keep up with being fresh. In fact, I am feeling downright STALE.

And I'm working on being ok with it. Being out of the loop, and only having ever presumed to hover *near* it to begin with, I can't hope to be cutting edge in my design. In fact, I think that my need to be new - either in relation to the Jones' (or the Johnson's) or to myself and yesterday - is part of my problem, and my success. UFOs, mess, my hummingbird mind, my cobblestone career; all of it. The first two I strive to deal with, the latter two enrich my life in innumerable ways.

I have heretofore called my hummingbird mind my butterfly brain, and the change is due to Susanne Antonetta. In her 2005 book A Mind Apart, she talks about neurodiversity, and the richness it brings to our culture. She feels that the varied ways of thinking and perceiving the world done by those with various neurological states (ie autism and mental illness) should be preserved, even while we are helping those with said conditions to deal with the less desirable aspects of their neurological states.

I would have to add to her list of states those deliberately induced; those created by trancework and meditation, as well as those produced by various pharmacopias, the latter having been studied extensively in the American 1960's. My foray into said is strictly prescription, and even my current work could be said to spring from this neurodiversity; my mind on antidepressants for my post-partum depression. I have also meditated for years, and the state I can bring myself to is a very creative one; I often enter it by doing my artwork itself, in fact.

Her book is very interesting for two reasons; she describes the thought processes and lives of the neurodiverse (her definition, not mine), and also demonstrates it through her own writing as someone with Bipolar I. (Bipolar I is the classic manic-drepressive illness, while Bipolar II is better known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or, insultingly, the Winter Blues.) The writing aptly (and sometimes TOO aptly) shows the 'hummingbird mind' she describes. Chapters (I am only about 1/3 through it) range from the sublimely collected and freshly relevant to the disturbingly disjointed.

I can relate. I have Bipolar II, have been dealing with Post-partum depression for going on a year, and have dealt with other episodes of depression my whole life. I also have Fibromyalgia, CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome), and sequelae from a Herpes VI brain infection in the late 1990's. My brain proves to me every day that I am among the 'neurodiverse'.

Manic-depression has long been known to the artistic community - the moody darks of the depressions, the up all night working in the studio for days on end manias. I didn't even KNOW that Seasonal Affective Disorder HAD a hypomanic component (not as severe as a true manic episode) in the dog days of July and August. I have spent my share of long nights in the studio and around the campfire during that season, but I have also had most of my interpersonal relationships fall apart at that time of year. I've never done anything fully *rash*, but have obviously acted or thought differently enough to enact change in my life (or have it acted upon me) at that time of year on occaision.

And that is a good thing, mostly. Even finally getting diagnosed with SAD back in college helped, as I didn't understand before that why I always got off to such a bad start on second semester, why I lived in bed, or why I craved the sun more than the rest of us here in New England do in winter. Just *knowing* these things helped me. When my now husband and I went medieval camping in August several years ago (to Pennsic, for the SCA initiated out there), an event that no relationship of mine had *ever* survived intact before, we knew better what we were in for. Getting through it, and having fun doing so, was a joyous event for us; we even got handfasted!

Speaking of disjointed, I was reminded today of the tradition of breaking a glass at Jewish weddings, that we should show our acceptance and understanding that joy is always tempered by loss and sorrow. Such is the life of many of the neurodiverse. Those with organic changes to their brains or neurochemistry often know this - the warm love given by those with Down's, the artistic genius and focus often seen in those with Autism Sprectrum Disorders, the new appreciation for life and those we love felt by many who have dealt with spinal cord injuries or traumatic brain injuries. The rush of energy found in mania, the high and/or feeling better of pharmaceuticals, the peace and insight brought about by meditation. These 'upsides' we know, but - wow - we also know the downsides, obviously. No one wants to lose function or family, no one wants to be an addict or a recluse. That said, thank heavens for the silver lining some of us manage to find.

I wish more of us could find it. Many drugs given as 'treatments' for organic conditions leave a plethora of side effects, often leave some of the symptoms of the illness itself unmitigated, and usually steal that silver lining, if any had been found, completely away. Many folks with Bipolar conditions deliberately stop taking their meds so that they may have their manic moments, and the euphoria and perceived productivity that accompany them. (Bipolar II's hypomania can actually become a problem for the first time if antidepressants are continued during the summer months. Speak to your Doctor before changing ANY medications you are currently taking, obviously!) Functionality is certainly the paramount goal of treatment, but I can see where it would sometimes be desirable to trade a small amount of function to be able to enjoy some of the few benefits that living with these conditions can provide. Perhaps, in the future, treatments will be devised that will allow one to keep the positive 'symptoms' while getting rid of the less pleasant ones.

I think this comes back to my feeling stale. My antidepressants are working well on my post-partum depression, even though it is winter here in Vermont, and my SAD should still be in full force. I am feeling more functional than I have since my second trimester, and I am certainly getting more done than I have in months. One thing though, is SHOT. I am managing to do all sorts of mundane tasks; cleaning, finishing UFOs, etc, but one could never call them *creative.* Even my woodblock was an exercise in technique, and I just grabbed a quilt block pattern to have something to carve.

I am (and my house *certainly* is) at a point where mundane task completion is a GOOD thing, but I have to say that I am missing my *spark.* Maybe that is still to come - depression can kill creativity too, and maybe I just need to continue with my treatment more to be able to recover it; motivation THEN function THEN creativity. I certainly hope so, but I wonder if maybe my meds haven't 'treated' my creativity too, as I remember getting through many of my early days as a mother daydreaming when I couldn't move, and I can't seem to do that now, even as I move with relative ease.

So, for the present, part of the silver lining of my mind is seemingly gone, perhaps in favor of the movement of my body. I'm just going to have to work with this, obviously. I've gotten pretty good at just taking the hand that the day has dealt me as a person with Fibromyalgia; I never know what symptoms I'm going to wake up with, especially when I haven't gotten a full and restful night of sleep (ha!)

Thank heavens the sun is shining... and, believe it or not, but thank heavens that I have a messy house and UFOs to put my hands to while my brain continues to heal.

Art at last!

Not only did I spin up the rest of a rainbow top this weekend (for a present for my girls), but I am almost finished with a multi-year UFO needlepoint (orange trees in blossom, by Candace Berhouth (sp?)).

Yeah, those are more 'craft' than 'art.' But I ALSO made my *first-ever* woodblock carving yesterday! The wood carved WAY easier than I thought it would - hardwood even! - and the blade holder didn't even hurt my hands once I wrapped muslin around the textured part of the handle.

No, I won't show you my work today. It looks crap. I didn't say my carving was GOOD, just easy to do. I made a real mess of it, but loved it anyway, so at least I got the important part right! Hurray!

Next project, after I finish the needlepoint? DH and I are GOING to clean the kitchen today, and I am designing little leather shoes (basically homemade Robee's) for the girls for our upcoming season of medieval reenactments. Hopefully they won't grow out of them as soon as I get them done!

BTW - I WILL give y'all a picture of my girls in their medieval getups once I get them all done. Greenland gowns and Viking aprons (without the brooches) are what I'm thinking. Coifs won't get worn much, but I can try, right? Lol...

Gotta love the creative kick in the butt of jumping back a millenium!

Slight detour, but right general direction

Ok, ok. I've only cleaned three surfaces (card table, kitchen counter, and sewing table), but I have a) done a decent quantity of spinning, and b) have gotten out of the house without my husband twice in the last week, once by myself, and once with the girls, to their very first playgroup. (Everyone had to leave after only 20 min since we got there late, but just getting there was a start, esp since I hadn't had both girls out by myself since about SEPTEMBER. Pa the tic.) I even went to the art store afterward for a bench hook for cutting linoleum for block printing, but they didn't have any in stock. Sigh.

I *tried* though, and that counts. Spinning isn't really 'art', but it is handwork, so that is a start. It doesn't do much for my BRAIN though, so I still need to find something else to strike a spark in my gray matter.

Meanwhile? Nachos for dinner! Yum!

Jia - Taming my house and making a home

In the book "Shelter for the Spirit" by Victoria Moran, she refers to the Chinese word for home and family - Jia. One word, both/same meaning.

My house is a complete STY. Any of my old Partners in Clean out there can just hang their heads in discouragement of my predicament, but, honestly, I'm not all that surprised. Twins and post-partum depression will do that to a girl!

Anyway, here I am. I am seriously in need of not only getting to where I can just keep up with things, but with purging BIGTIME. Why you may ask? Just general clutter? Alas - no. We need to move. (I can't carry kids up the stairs, and that is where the other bedrooms are - all four of us in one room is getting OLD FAST, especially since we only have a queen size bed, otherwise, I'd be all for it.)

So - I need to get moving, and I thought that I'd use this space to motivate myself, and maybe you too! If I can find time with MY energy and kids, you can too! (Stories? Share them if you've got 'em!)

The only way I have *ever* had success with cleaning/organizing? Doing one small space/project at a time, and stopping there, savouring my success. One desktop. One drawer. One cupboard. Whatever I want, but only ONE of them. For crazier projects, like raking or whatever, where there is no point at which one is 'done,' (not that I rake, mind you - in Vermont that is just an exercise in stupidity,) I give myself a set period of time which I feel that I can stomach, and then go for it, no ifs and or buts. By the time I run out my clock, I am usually doing so well that I CHOOSE to do more. Bizarre, eh?

Anyway, I am going to try for one space/timespan per day. I am nervous that I'm not going to find time/energy EVERY day, but I am also aware that the entropy generated by two almost-toddlers and my beloved but organization impaired husband (and me, if I'm honest with myself) would keep my house a complete shambles with anything less than an everyday effort. No point in half-*ssing it and not getting anywhere with my efforts! So - it might be a really really small space each day, but it WILL happen.

Watch this space for how badly I mess this up. Yeah, I'm being a pessimist, and that is a LOUSY way to start a new endeavor, but I am just *sooooo tired* of never getting anywhere with this - dirty dishes and laundry just keep reappearing, and I never get below the surface clutter to the real purging that needs to happen.

I know some of the things that keep me from succeeding, aside from not staying with it - my frugal streak is too wide, for one, and I never *actually* get rid of the stuff that I say I am going to get rid of. My husband and mother have been known to eventually drop my bags of clothes at the Goodwill, but that is about all. (I think I got negative about donations when I took a HUGE bunch of books to my local library, only to be told that they don't take non-fiction. They only take stories. Don't get me started on the rant I gave them about access to information and priorities - I'm sure it would have been the same one you would have delivered!)

My frugal streak means that I hold onto anything a) of monetary value, b) anything of sentimental or inspirational value, or c) anything that might be difficult or expensive to reacquire (ie old movies, music, books, etc). Needless to say, unless something is 6 sizes too small and all my friends of my friends are gargantuan, I never get rid of anything. (I DID get rid of my clothes under size 14 when I got pregnant - I figured that if got down to a size 12 that I *deserved* to go shopping for new clothes, and, miracles never cease - I may actually get down to that this summer, pumping breast milk and running after twins providing!)

So - major space-taking categories that need to be purged include:

1. Clothes- mine and the girls (stuff that they have grown out of at their completely crazy rate of growth)
2. Books/magazines/videos/CDs/software - if I haven't looked at it or leant it out in the last three years, and if would cry if the girls couldn't enjoy it someday, out it goes
3. Fabric, art and craft stuff - easy to get rid of - schools and charities love this stuff - but *getting rid of fabric!?!?!??** Yes, I AM crazy, but I also have some stuff that I am unlikely to use, and which takes up HUGE quantities of space... garb fabric from the SCA and calicoes from when I tried making baby quilts to sell (not so much, but that is another, not *completely* depressing story - ask me another time).
4. Paper - this one is genetic folks - my Dad makes copies of everything he deems needful, and then 'files' them. More like he 'piles' them - on every flat surface available, including the floor. Sigh. I honestly think that this one will be the easiest to deal with, once I get my filing cabinet up to snuff.

I also need to get some moving and storage boxes so that I pack some stuff as I go - no point moving it twice, eh?

Yikes this is a big project. Breathe, Susan... One space at a time. One space at a time. One space at at time. Do it so my girls don't grow up in the same chaos that *I* did!!!

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

Hi folks -

The girls are 10 months old now, pulling to standing and cruising around. They aren't sleeping through the night without eating several times, and show no sign of doing so soon, despite our trying to get them to do so.

Still no art, still no time/energy to do anything but sometimes curl up with a book, but at least I am really starting to FEEL BETTER. My post-partum depression started improving in December, and I am finally almost completely off of my painkillers. Hurray! Now if I can just kick the remains of my winter cold!

That being that case, I have high hopes of being really finally over my pregnancy by the time Spring hits here in Vermont - around the girls' birthday in April - and that I'll actually be able to take them to the park, and to playgroups, and all that other fun mom-and-toddler stuff that I didn't get to do back when we were mom-and-babies. Ah well - better late than never, eh?

I hope that you and your families and projects are doing well...